Handicapped Super Heroes and a Super Villain

Daredevil

Daredevil is a blind superhero with extraordinary heightened senses like super hearing. His name is Matt Murdock. As a kid some truck containing toxic waste crashed into him and caused him to lose his sight. But he gained this radar vision. And possibly cancer. Why would there be a truck carrying toxic waste anyway? His father was a boxer who taught him to never give up. Dad refused to throw a fight and got killed by mobsters.

Daredevil’s secret identity is a blind lawyer that lives in New York. If he can’t clean the streets of New York as Daredevil than he can throw away the scum in court as Murdock. He also handles divorces too because that’s where the money is. I never know if superheroes get some sort of salary. Anyway I personally feel that New York has too many superheroes. Like Spiderman. Hey Daredevil why not try New Jersey. They already have the hockey team the New Jersey Devils.

Being blind must suck balls. On the plus side he must have super taste and super touch. Imagine how good a Big Mac would be for him. And I’m sure getting poontang would feel even better. However he can’t really see how hot a woman would be. For all he knows this chick he’s banging could be some swamp hag. And I don’t think he can watch television or play Call of Duty. What else could he do instead? Read a book by feeling dots? 

Super hearing would be a mixed basket. He must play a badass guitar but overhearing everything would be really annoying. Imagine he’s on the bus and he can hear some idiot listening to Nickelback. There’s nothing he can do to stop it. That’s why he sleeps in a coffin. Or what if the same bus runs over a skunk. That would smell.

What I don’t get is who makes his suit? He can’t really buy one at Zellers. He must have someone make it for him. For all he knows he can be wearing pink tights with bunny ears. His weapon of choice is one of those blind person poles which he can use to use as a gravelling hook. And as his name implies, he is a daredevil and can pull off all of these acrobatic feats. I think he needs a seeing eye dog too. His dog would be called Daredog.

Professor Charles Francis Xavier

Xavier is the professor at Mutant Academy. Also his name gives you 28 points in Scrabble. The school is for special students and the Prof teaches them to control their powers. I’m talking about mutants with super powers and not mentally challenged retards. I applied myself but I didn’t get in because drinking twenty Redbulls and not having a heart attack isn’t a power. I mean I tried every kind of radioactive substance there is and nothing.

Charles is a busy man and I think Beast takes over the class when he’s needed. And Jubilee is the T.A. because she’s completely useless except on Independence Day. So Xavier leads the team the X-Men. He is wheelchair bound and bald. That’s sucks. He does have a kick ass wheelchair. But I think it’s made of some metal and doesn’t look comfortable. Hey get some cushions, a cup holder and maybe a flag.

He has a slew of psychic powers which can be awesome or shitty depending on the situation. For one thing you can hear what people are thinking. But that might be an overload of information. The problem is maybe you don’t want to know. “Who is this creep? He’s ugly and bald. But he has a wicked metal wheel chair with a flag.” And he works at mutant and human relations. By mutant I mean people with powers and not that really ugly girl in high school.

The Blob

Fred Dukes is called the Blob because he has a slight weight problem. I guess being super overweight is a disability. In the beginning he traveled in a freak show. But due to the overweight pandemic, being grossly overweight isn’t really something to gawk at now. I’ve seen fat people that have no more room on their body to store any more fat. Even their ears and toes are fat.

Then there are the super heavyweight fat people that don’t leave their bedside. At what point in life do you say fuck it, I rather go on an eating rampage than live a normal life. And wear adult diapers. “Grrr, bring me more pizza pockets and some butter. And I need my diaper changed.”

While I’m on the subject there is this older website called “Fat Chicks in Party Hats.” Some people think it’s stupid, some people think it’s hilarious. This Mexican kid, who can’t spell, makes fun of pictures of fat people. It’s not that nice picking on them but still very funny. Check out the hate mail.

Anyway the Blog has tried Atkins diet and nothing. Even Richard Simmons called him fatty. And they don’t carry XXXXXXXXXL clothes. He has to get his suit tailored made from a parachute with stretchable elastics. It’s not like he has a secret identity. On airplanes he takes up a whole roll or the cargo space if they can even fly with his weight. In fact he can’t really fit in any vehicle. Which sucks because how else will he get around being too fat to walk?

The Blob has switched sides a couple of times and is now a villain. His fat body is imperious to attacks, such as bullets.  Even against Wolverine’s claws. He has super strength and durability and is virtually unmovable. He can eat his way out of any situation. And he likes sitting on people. But he hasn’t seen his penis in years.