I Only Play Poker
I never even tried slut machines because they’re stupid. On one hand my aunt bets $20 and plays once a week. This is fine because the $20 is worth the entertainment. It’s sad when you are wearing diapers and nicotine patches because you don’t want to leave your machine. You’re eventually going to lose money, that’s how it works. The thing is people have this I’m special mentality and I’m going to win big.
Some people don’t understand the meaning of random. I’ll admit that happens to me when I’m listening to my Ipod. I have 3000 songs and if I add or take one away I lose them all. The problem occurs when some asshole cranked up the volume like crazy on one song. It sounds like a rocket launch and I’m trying to unplug my headphones before my ears bleed. So after a while I probably heard each song like fifty times and I’m thinking that annoying song is due any moment.
I used to play blackjack because you have different choices to make. But people are superstitious when they say hey you took my card or whatever. And again the casino has the edge. Unless you’re Rainman. Roulette has the best odds and its fun to choose which numbers. The only edge the casino has is zero and double zero. If I play, I play black or red. The funny thing is, if the ball lands on red like ten times in a row people think it’s bound to be black.
Anyway I love poker. I play with my poker friends where you can buy in how much you want and cash out any time. The blinds are only 20 and 40 cents. But the pots get pretty big. Speaking of pots we love to smoke pot and drink beer. Which is great because smoking weed is not only fun but people play stupid when they’re high. And some people play just play stupid.
I haven’t played poker with my best friends lately. Normally we would all lay down ten or twenty bucks. Second makes a few bucks and winner takes the rest. I also played some poker with my fellow retirees in Florida Texas
But the real money is at the casino. So here is my short guide to poker. I’m amusing you know the rules. If you don’t, I already wrote a brief synopsis of poker a while ago. First off decide how much you are willing to loose and promise not to try to win it back. You don’t want to dip in your kid’s college tuition or beer fund.
I’m a grinder and I’m very patient. Aside from playing when it is my blinds or when I really want to see the flop, I fold all the time. I play maybe one out ten hands and only when I have something good like a big slick or two pairs. I never bluff. Unless I haven’t played forever because when I do play people fold.
If I do have something good I like to slow play it. The thing is when you have a great hand you have to capitalize it and make as much money as possible. Some idiots will get pocket aces and scare off everyone and they just get the blinds. What I don’t get is when someone bets high and people don’t fold and they’re like where’s my respect? This make no fucking sense.
I love people that go fishing. Fishing is when you need a card for your hand. For example if some guy needs an ace on the turn he will call hoping to get a straight with that ace. People don’t know the odds. This one idiot does this all the time. He will call hoping to get a spade on the river. The thing is, he has less than one in four chances to get a spade. But sometimes they get lucky. Or sometimes I bluff when there are three of the same suit on the board because people assume I have the flush. And if someone doesn’t back down I fold because they have it.
You have to play the man, or the woman. Seriously look for tells. You have to pay attention on how quickly they call. If they hesitate on calling and it takes a while they are unsure of themselves. Bet big when this happens, they will probably fold. And if people check instantly they have nothing. So take a few seconds to appear like you’re thinking and then check. And the biggest tell is when someone’s hands are shaking. They are excited because they have a good hand. You don’t see too many people’s hands shaking when they have nothing. Even my eyes open wide when I have a good hand.
Sometimes you have to have the right cards and not just the best cards. For me there is the curse of the pocket aces. Every time I think I have the best possible hand and I lose it to two low pairs. You have to know when to fold and cut your losses. And sitting matters too. You want to be after guys who raise big pre flop so you don’t waste your call.
And pay careful attention and remember which cards each player wins the pot with. Sometimes they try to steal the pot by betting big and sometimes they actually have it.
And bet when the pot is big. I find if there is nothing on the table I don’t bet unless I know I can beat my opponent.
The more people at the table the less your cards are worth. If there are twelve people at the table then you need at least two pairs. With only three players that two pairs is worth way more. And also hide your cards so nobody can see them. Just take a quick peek at the corner. And that’s all of the advice I can think of for now.
It’s funny; one time at the casino there was twelve of us. The pot was huge and everyone, except me and this one lady, went all in. There was over a grand on the table and this lucky bastard won it all with a straight. And I’m thinking that’s it? A straight? But afterwards he got sloppy and was donating chips like crazy. Sometimes you have to leave when you’re ahead.
Finally I love this one crackhead who spends all of his dish washing earnings on poker and um crack. Normally when I call some guy a crackhead I mean he’s retarded. But he told me he actually does crack. And it shows. He loves to go all in all the fucking time. I just wait until the right moment to call his all in. Thankyou I doubled up with $60 and therefore I made a $120 on one hand. Which is a lot for me. Finally an awesome poker movie is Rounders with Edward Norton and Matt Damon. Check it out.
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