DC Heroes

Aquaman

Aquaman is a joke of a hero. You have heroes with cool abilities like flight, super strength and laser beams. Aquaman can swim and breathe underwater and uh talk to fish. Yes fish. I don’t even know what you can possibly gain from talking to fish. “Hi there flounder, I’m Aquaman. What’s happening?” “Blrrrp. Blrrrp.” “I see.” And what about sharks? The thing is, can he only talk to fish or can he talk to all animals?

Rescuing people comes with the territory of being a superhero. You know Spiderman saves helpless women from falling out of buildings. Superman saves little Timmy from a burning house. And Robin saves Kitty from a tree. Who the fuck can he rescue in the middle of the ocean? “Alright! People are on a sinking ship. Yes! That’s my territory! I guess I’ll have to ask some fish for some directions.” A few minutes later. “Dammit the helicopter got there before me!”

Green Lantern

Allan Scott is the Green Lantern. Allan comes upon this alien ring that grants him a ton of cool powers. But don’t get mixed up with the Lord of the Rings. He becomes part of this galactic squad of heroes called Lanterns. They decided to go with a green uniform. I don’t know if he has a secret identity because that masks is doing fuck all and he looks too similar to the Green Hornet. And how does it stay on? But every Friday is wear a funny hat day.

Like my art teacher said, you have to use your imagination. The ring works by thinking of anything, but with limitations. Like wood for some reason. For example you can think of a bazooka to kill some thugs or maybe a fly squatter to get those pesky bugs. (I later realized that this rhymed).

Apparently he can fly faster than the speed of light and teleport across galaxies by way of wormholes. Of course Stephan Hawking is pissed off by the ramifications. And I’m pretty certain that going through wormholes would kill you. I guess it’s the same deal with the Avengers.

The Green Lantern’s latest arch nemesis is Parallax who has mind control abilities and feeds on fear. And guess what. Allan Scott is now gay and he must avenge his lover’s untimely death. A bold move by the creators at DC. But I don’t know how well fans will react to this. I mean I wouldn’t read a gay comic where he saves men in distress. They already have Aquaman.

The Flash

The Flash is one cool DC hero. Obviously his main power is super speed, so he can run ultra fast .I wonder who is faster; the Flash or Superman? I don’t know if he can see in the distance because what happens if he trips, runs into a tree or slips on a banana peel.

So he either runs down the roads and dodges cars or he takes his chances with pretty much anything else in the way. I’ve heard he goes through shoes like crazy. Hey why not play some football and tone down your powers a bit to be realistic but still incredibly fast.

But can the Flash do anything super fast. Like can he read a book or knit a yellow sweater in like three seconds? And what about sex? I hope he can last longer than a few seconds. The drawback is that everything must seem to take forever? “For fuck sakes, I’ve been waiting for a Big Mac for a whole minute. I could have been halfway to China by now.” And finally his arch nemesis is the Trickster. A rip off of the Joker and quite possibly the gayest villain.