The Crucifixion

It’s almost Easter and that means I will get a white chocolate bunny and have turkey dinner with my family. It’s also a long weekend so that means some of my friends will be coming back to Sarnia and we will get wasted. Oh and Jesus resurrected too.

I find it funny that the four gospel writers have different accounts of the Jesus’ life. So you hear about Jesus being born and some stories of his childhood and boom, Jesus is 30 something years old. He had a following as he walked around Israel. He had a lady friend Mary Magdalene who is a total hoar. But he champions the poor.

He has performed many miracles like turning water in wine and magically feeding everyone even though there wasn’t enough food to go around. Those would be awesome powers to have. “Hey man, this party sucks. The keg is tapped dry and there is not enough pizza to feed everyone.” “But wait, it’s Jesus, the life of the party! He will turn the water into booze, perform some magic tricks and order Dominos.”

So Jesus has the famous last supper with his apostles. I’m not sure who cooked the meal and what are they eating. In the Leonardo painting of said supper all they have are some bread and some wine. Come on, you know you’re dead meat, why not eat the biggest goat you can find or order some takeout.

Jesus says this cracker is his body and this wine is his blood. Eww. In fact eating someone’s flesh is actually a pagan ritual. Whats also is gross is how everyone at Church drinks out of the same wine glass that the priest doesn’t clean it off each time. People also spread germs when its time to shake people’s hands.

He also goes around cleaning the apostle’s feet like a shoe shiner. “That’s not necessary Jesus. Besides I have terrible foot fungus and athletes’ feet. How about a massage or something else.” Jesus also predicts that he will be killed and he knows the traitor. Judas Priests.

On Palm Sunday people are waving palms and worshipping him. One minute he’s the messiah, the next minute the Jews want to crucify him. And Peter is sellout when he denies knowing Jesus three times and some cock crows.

I’m not sure what Jesus did to piss them off. Pontius Pilate realizes he’s innocent and probably just crazy. So he orders to whip him. Whip him good. But this wasn’t good enough for the Jews and Pontius orders him to be crucified to calm the crowd.

What pisses me off is why some Christians hold this 2000 year grudge against Jews for killing their messiah. Hey idiots, this was a few Jews a long time ago. Jews today have nothing to do with his death. That’s’ like being mad at German kids because of the holocaust.

There are the Stations of the Cross beginning with Jesus to be condemned to death. The second station is to have him carry the cross. Hey Jesus why not just tell them to fuck off and that you won’t carry the cross. What are they going to do then? They already whipped you, what else could be worse?

He falls a couple of times. He meets his mother Mary. Some woman wipes his face. Dude has to help carry the cross. He greets more women. And they strip his clothes. Is that necessary? On the eleventh station he is nailed to the cross. When you see pictures or statues of him they put the nails in his palms when really they would rip off. They actually put the nails in the wrists.

There are two other criminals that are also crucified. Jesus talks to one guy who repents killing people. Jesus then forgives him and said he will go to Heaven. What the fuck Jesus? That’s like telling some serial killer to get to Heaven because he said he was sorry for killing all of these victims.

Jesus says something like Father why have you forsaken me? Hey, you know it was going to happen and you know in like a few hours you’ll be beside pops in the Kingdom of Heaven. Why not use your powers to free yourself and shoot laser beams at everyone responsible for your crucifixion?

Jesus finally dies on the cross. What I don’t get is how Jesus died for our sins. What does that mean anyway? If he died for our sins than why would people still go to Hell? And what sins? The last sin I committed was when I scratched someone’s car with my door and left. Or I giggled when a lady tripped getting off the bus. Haha the good Lord has a good sense of humor.

Whats the big deal about Jesus being crucified anyway? First off, Spartacus and thousands of others were crucified. But nobody gives a shit. And many people have died worse deaths. Like some little girl that gets burned to death in a fire. I rather get crucified than freeze to death or die of cancer.

Jesus then says he will cum again. Haha, I mean come again. That line is brilliant because people will never know when he is coming back. And every generation thinks he will come in their lifetime. But wait. He appears to the apostles after his death. It’s in the bible. I don’t know if that counts or what?

Then his body is taken down and he is buried in a tomb. I wonder where this supposedly tomb is? Finally three days later his tomb is empty and some broads witness him rise to Heaven.

Haha. His ascension to Heaven is my favorite part. First off when people die their body remains in the grave and their soul goes to Heaven. Shouldn’t that be the same for Jesus? After all he is human. And when he rises to Heaven that implies that Heaven is up in the clouds. This now is completely ridiculous.  The Kingdom of Heaven would be too big to fit on some clouds and we will would have found it years ago with airplanes, satellites or whatever. Check mate.