Mighty Morphing Power Rangers

“Ahh! After 10,000 years, I'm free! It’s time to conquer Earth.”

I was talking to my friend of mine and I find out that her son loves the Power Rangers. I didn’t even know they were still around. They first aired in the early 90s and I watched a couple of episodes.

But I was too old for that shit. Their acting was terrible and the plots were weak and repetitive. Besides I was a Ninja Turtle fan. I tried to watch a full episode on Youtube but I couldn’t find one. So a lot of this is from memory and Wiki encyclopedia.

The show beings with this witch Rita Repulsa who gets free from some well by curious astronauts. How did she survive living in a well for 10,000 years is beyond me? I mean how did she breathe or what did she eat? How did she keep time being locked in the dark? Or how did she not go insane? But right away she wants to conquer Earth.

Hey, don’t rush, you have been cooped up in a fucking well for a 10,000 years, give or take one or two hundred years. I mean she has been used to our primitive culture when the only weapons we had were sharp sticks and rocks. But man has progressed significantly. Look Rita, get to know the 20^th century, the Earth you want to conquer has changed.

The Power Rangers’ boss is Zordon. He’s some floating head in a tube that looks strikingly similar to the Wizard of Oz. That would suck being him. Nice name. I went to school with this Chinese kid whose father named him Zilvar. As if he is some wizard. The funny thing is Zilvar loved the show. Coincidence?

So Zordon selects five teenagers to become the Power Rangers. The red ranger is Jason. He is supposed to be the cool one. The blue ranger is the nerd Billy that makes gadgets. And the only black guy in the show is the black ranger. And the only Asian chick Trini, who can’t speak English, is the yellow ranger. Doesn’t that sound a little racist? The pink ranger is Kim; the hot one. And the white ranger is Tommy. They are all terrible actors and so the show kept changing the casts.

Zordon has a sidekick robot Alpha 5.  He is a whining little bitch that keeps saying aye yi yi yi yi all of the fucking time. “No we are under attack.” “Aye, yi yi yi yi.” “No Jason has a broken he is tibia.” “Aye, yi yi yi yi.” “No the token black guy made reservations at Swiss Chalet but has to cancel them because he is coming down with a terrible fever and has diarrhea.” “Aye, yi yi yi yi.”

Each ranger has their own dinosaur robot that they can control called dinozords. For example Kim summons the pterodactyl. Billy got fucking pissed off because Jason gets the T-Rex while he gets stuck with the triceratops. It’s morphing time! They combine to become this ultra giant robot: Megazord! It’s like the Decepticons Devastator. By the way that would be an awesome fight. Another good match would be Megazord vs. Godzilla. But what happens if Bill is sick and the rangers need his triceratops as a leg? “Aye, yi yi yi yi.”

Again Rita is the head villain. Her catch phrase is “make my monster grow.” That’s what he said. After a while each week it gets annoying because of her high pitch voice. She throws her magic wand to enlarge a minion to take on Megazord. I always wondered how she got her wand back.

Another main villain is Goldar. He can also turn into a giant to fight the rangers. They have no respect for the buildings they trash. But don’t worry it’s actually two guys in costumes duking it out and they are only crushing cardboard buildings. It’s funny my ugly high school principal’s name was Ms. Golder and she had gold hair. That’s freaky.

Lord Zedd arrived in the second year. He looks like some ugly guy with no skin and assless chaps. And his brain is showing. You might want to get that checked. And there is Scorpina the bitch.

The whole gang also fights hand to hand combat with these clay figures called putties. I’m not totally sure if it is the real actors that are fighting. I think they are because they are such terrible actors. And every time, they combine their weapons to finish off the goons. Why not combine weapons right away? Or why not just transform into dinozords and step on them?

I hear the Power Rangers live in California. Look Rita why not just send your henchman somewhere else. She should send two minions in two different places; one in Washington and another one in Japan. The Power Rangers can’t be at two places at once and they need all five dinozords to battle any monsters. In Japan the monster can crush cities but they have to look out for any Godzillas and Mothras. And in Washington Goldar can just step on the White House and destroy the U.S. army. Aye, yi yi yi yi.