E.T.

The Extra Extra-Terrestrial

I haven’t seen E.T. forever. I never really liked it was a kid. I saw it at Goodwill for a dollar and thought what the fuck I’ll give it another shot. And I still don’t really like it. E.T. and Elliot kind of bugged me.

The movie begins with these ugly naked midget aliens’ colleting plants and shit. E.T. wanders off and his ship leaves without him. Haha. This is where my mom would say “why didn’t they wait for him; they must have known that one of them is missing.” Yes mom, then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.

There is a government agency after them. I assumed they were the evil kind. But why would they leave without him? It’s a tiny fucking ship and there could only be so many aliens aboard. I guess they have never heard of the buddy system. It’s kind of like when William Defoe misses the helicopter in Platoon. And why didn’t they go back when they realize they fucked up and E.T. is stranded on this planet that is killing him? By the way his name is really Rick.

Elliot is this young boy who discovers Rick. I mean E.T. He lives with his mother, his brother and his younger sister Drew Barrymore. They don’t get into the details but the father is a deadbeat dad that left them. I think he fucked his much younger secretary and went to Vegas to live with her.

Elliot pays for a pizza and finds E.T. rummaging in his shed. E.T. flees into the forest and Elliot drops the pizza. I would have still eaten it. His older brother Michael is playing D&D with his friends. Losers! Elliot tells them about it but they don’t find anything and they think he’s crazy. Or he just saw some coyote.

Elliot decides leave a trail of Reece pieces to his home. By the way I love all of these hidden advertisements they have in the movie. Just like in the Goonies, Sloth says Baby Ruth or Chunk gets a Dominos pizza at the end. Right now I’m enjoying a warm bottle of Budweiser and some room temperature Big Macs. I forget how E.T. finds the trail but whatever. I would have used a bear trap or a pit.

Once E.T. comes inside their home, Elliot makes his siblings a pact not to tell anyone. Including their mom. So Elliot pretends to be sick and plays with his new E.T. His mother is bit of a bitch because she doesn’t want him to watch T.V. What else is he going to do? They don’t have Gameboy yet. Of course what’s there on T.V. in the 80s anyway? Aside from the Golden Girls.

Elliot tries to teach E.T. about our world. And then E.T. uses his telekinesis to show three balls representing his solar system. Like that’s going to help. Telekinesis is stupid. It’s when you use your mind to move objects. You have to look it a scientifically. Your thoughts are the result of millions of nerves and synapses’ connections and have no bearing on things outside of your brain. If people actually have telekinesis than people would use them. Or at least have a Youtube video.

E.T. demonstrates how he can revive things such as a dead flower. Cool. The next day while Elliot is at school, Elliot and E.T. experience this telepathic connection where Elliot is feeling what E.T. is feeling. So when E.T. starts drinking booze, Elliot is getting shit faced. Then Elliot hits on a girl.

Later that day the class is dissecting frogs. Oh, I love frogs. Why not dissect rats or something else? Back in high school we were dissecting pig hearts. And buddy tried eating it and said it was really tough and chewy. So Elliot freaks out and releases all of the frogs. I hope it’s for the best.

E.T. is literally getting home sick and Elliot is also getting sick too. E.T. begins collecting random junk like a speak and spell, umbrella, coffee can, saw and other useless junk for a makeshift telecommunicator to “phone home.” It’s really a piece of shit that just would not work. “Can you here me now?” Haha.

It’s Halloween and they dress E.T. as a ghost. I guess it’s really supposed to Drew. Elliot is riding a bike with the E.T. in the basket. Neither one is wearing a helmet. And then E.T. uses his powers to fly into the forest and land by a good spot to use the device.

This is one of the most famous cinematic scenes of all time when they’re riding the bike in the sky against a full moon. And because of this tons of stupid movies spoof this scene. But they’re not even funny. “Haha. Jay is riding a bike with a monkey in the basket. And what’s this! They are riding in the air with a full moon in the background just like E.T. Priceless!”

E.T. makes the call to his alien friends with his piece of shit contraption. He went over his minutes. He should have pay as you go. Elliot finds him dying and brings him home. Elliot’s mother finds out just before the government surrounds the house and quarantines it. I find out that the government isn’t as evil as I suspected. However the government can’t heal E.T.

Again I missed some parts. E.T. is dying along with that flower. Elliot has a heart to heart and E.T. comes back to life because his ship is coming back. His stomach begins to glow. I guess he had too many hot wings. Then E.T. touches Elliot’s finger just like in the 16^th Chapel where Adam touches God’s finger.  And then E.T. boards his ship. And that’s pretty much it.

The movie broke blockbuster records, surpassing even Star Wars. So geniuses decide that because of its popularity they should make an E.T. video game on the Atari. It was so terrible they couldn’t give it away. Literally. They actually dug a hole somewhere in New Veda and buried these useless cartridges.

It’s a good movie for drinking games. Whenever Elliot screams E.T. or E.T. mumbles Elliot you have to take a shot. I hope you have enough liquor because it happens all the fucking time. I myself am from Galacticalla off the third star of Xanaoca. I am studying you humans for an invasion. But we went over budget and I’m left here with you primitive apes. God I’m so desperately lonely.