The Kwik-E Mart

When I was a kid, me and the gang would walk to the Kwik- E Mart and buy some candy and hockey cards. Back then the clerks were white. I’m not trying to stereotype, be racist or exaggerate but now they are all East Indian or Chinese. I mean you come to our country to live the Canadian dream and you end up working at a convenience store intended for teenagers and dropouts.

Way back, there were two convenience stores on the corner. One was Beckers until new owners changed it to Daisy Mart. The clerk was this funny Chinese immigrant just so happy to be here. He was always smiling and even bowing. But after some years he got used to our society and became a bit of an asshole.

Soon all of the variety stores carried movies. At Daisy Mart all movies cost a dollar for one night. But if you return it after six the next day he charged double late fees. So it would cost me three bucks. I understand that part of the reason he doesn’t like late movies is because the real money is when people rent them, they usually buy other things. Fine be a prick.

One time I rented three movies and the next day there was a blizzard and my dad didn’t come home till 7:00. We get there at 7:30 and he charged us six bucks because we were an hour and a half late. Even though nobody was going to rent them anyway in a fucking blizzard.

So my dad got angry and he had a word with him. Now my dad refuses to go there and instead he goes to the other variety store, where the Chinese people there are nice and the movies are still only $2. Now whenever I go to Daisy Mart, me and the clerk don’t say a word.

I have a sweet tooth. Ever since I was a kid I loved candy. Too bad all that sugar wasn’t too good for my teeth. I love getting Fun Dip, Nerds and Gobstoppers. Mmm. So sometimes I smoke some weed and buy the five cent candies like sour kids, pop bottles, sour keys, fuzzy peaches and of course gummy bears. I count them in fives, much easier that way. But asshole clerk would go as far as counting them because who knows I could be ripping him off a few cents.

Since Canada is getting rid of the penny I wonder if the prices will be more expensive. I also wonder if they will round up anything with 99 cents to a dollar or round down to 95 cents. This means the give a penny take a penny will now be give a nickel take a nickel.

In the summer I like going to 7 Eleven and buy the biggest slurpy I can find. You end up getting an XX-large because for a few cents more you can get the next bigger size. I like sampling all of the flavors. I also like slush puppies because you can add as much drops as you want. But the last time I drank some I had the biggest brain freeze ever. But I kept drinking it because it was so delicious and I didn’t want to waste it.

 I enjoy reading magazines like the Enquirer or People but I hardly actually buy them. I prefer just to skim through the pages to check out the latest gossip, like Rosy O Donald’s drug habit, Prince William cheating or Lindsay Lohan going to prison. Again.

I used to subscribe to Maxim, Stuff and FHM a long time ago. I’d actually read the articles because I thought they were funny. Of course I would check out the latest babes. And then while I was at college my mom threw them out because they were filthy. Hey mom this isn’t Hustler and they might be worth something someday. Now the magazines are thin and they have exhausted ideas for articles.

Some variety stores have playboys or nudity magazines hidden behind other magazines. Or there is that nudity magazine room with those drapes. I bought a couple of playboys like the college specials when I was in college. Or to see washed up celebrities like a centerfold of Chyna.  I think my dick shrunk when I saw that mess. I was very nervous the first time and I tried to buy a shit load of other items and sneak the playboy in. Now I can just download pics at home without looking like a pervert.

Speaking about porn, I like extremely soft core porn. Usually I like looking at chicks playing with their big boobs. So I mustard up some courage and finally went to the Adult store. I tried to order some girls gone wild. They didn’t have any. What they did have seemed over expensive and kind of gross. I don’t like looking at other guys’ dicks.

A lot of people like getting lottery tickets. Which is annoying when you’re behind some old granny who has like fifty of the scratch ones. I heard this scam that when some people hit the jackpot the clerk will give them a smaller prize and use the winning ticket for themselves.

Many stores have the no loitering sign because teenagers like hanging out there. I don’t know why though. They also have no skateboard or rollerblades. And some of the punk teenagers ask adults to get buy them cigarettes or lighters. I don’t smoke but I thought I’d buy a pack to hide my joints in when go out to the bars or concerts. They now hide the damn packages for some stupid reason so how do I know what to get.

There is one variety store right across the high school where there is a limit of only two students at one time so nobody steals any Kit Kat bars. And they have cameras in case people try something funny. But this is Canada and I don’t think any strung out druggies will rob a store because we don’t have guns. But I’m sure the clerks have other means of defense like a tazer, bat or hot coffee.

“Hi I’m going to rob you.” “Don’t shoot!” “I’m not going to kill you.” “Good.” “Put the money in a bag!” “Paper or plastic?” “Don’t be smart. Plastic.” “All I have is a hundred. Do you want pennies?” “Um, yes. And give me some movies too.” “Comedy or horror.” “Um comedy. Quickly now.” “Here you go.” “And here’s my get away. It’s been a pleasure.” “Thankyou, come again.” “Haha. Thankyou, come again. Like you want me to come back. Haha.”