Growing Up

Here is a completely random ass blog about getting older. Normally my blogs are random but this one takes the cheese.

I don’t know about you but when I was a little boy I thought I’d always be a kid. Kind of like Bart Simpson. I mean how shitty would the Simpsons be if everyone got older. Grandpa and Hans Moleman would be dead and Maggie would be like twenty.

Back in the day the Simpsons was my favorite cartoon. I would drop anything I was doing to catch a new episode. I could be three km away playing basketball with my friends on a Thursday night and run home so I will be back before it starts at 8:00.

The first few seasons it was the funniest thing on television. Now I barely watch it unless I don’t have anything better to do. Like do sudoku or play with devil sticks. The plots are weak and they’re getting desperate finding fresh ideas. Like having another episode with Moe going out with a much hotter girlfriend or maybe an episode with bumblebee man.

They should just wrap it up. And I was disappointed with the movie. I thought the plot of having the dome put over Springfield was a good idea but there just weren’t enough laughs. But this blog isn’t about the Simpsons. Besides it would take me forever to write a decent tribute to the Simpsons.

I’m now 31 years young but I don’t give a shit about getting older really. I think I was more depressed turning 20 and not being a teenager anymore.  Of course people often think I’m younger. It’s how you feel inside really. And people think my mom is much younger than she really is. She buys a lot creams and beauty products. I remember on my mom’s 40^th birthday she was crying and I didn’t understand why. I mean it’s your birthday.

The drinking age in Canada is 19, (or 18 in Quebec). Too bad I had to write a damn essay and study for a big law test on my 19^th birthday. My dad wanted to go to the bar with me but I told him I couldn’t. What a shitty decision that was. I should have gone and I should have just gone to bed at like 4:00. Besides I usually slept through my first class anyway. I must say that you have to smell the roses and not worry too much about trivial school work. But I did ace the test.

They say your best years are in high school. You’re never going to be as happy and upbeat as you are in your teens. Like a Bryan Adams song, those summer nights seemed to last forever. You have a million friends and are always hanging out and doing something.

I remember when we first got our driver licenses, and gas was cheap, we had a blast just driving around the city and eating McDonalds. Not so much anymore. By the way my American fans, if you think your gas is expensive then try filling it up here. I know people who cross the border just to fill up and buy cheap cigarettes and beer at the duty free shop.

We were crazy as teens. We used to get wasted every weekend. Part of the fun of underage drinking was that it was underage drinking. Again me and the guys would walk all over town and have those drunk conversations. And I remember trying to sneak inside my house all drunk and try to not wake up my parents.  And then I had those lucid drunk dreams. Now it has been years since I got as wasted as I did in my teens.

My first year in university was awesome. You’re never going to be as good looking as you are in college. Apparently I used to be hot and I didn’t know it. Not so much anymore.  

I have already written about college and bar hopping a while ago so I will keep it short. First year classes are a joke and mine didn’t start until noon. My parents gave me a lot of money for anything I might need. And I needed beer and pot. In fact I was smoking weed almost every night and selling it. I was also doing shrooms all of the time and I was the only one who sold them in my hallway.

As you get older you start hanging out with a different crowd. Most of my high school and college friends are either out of town or have families. The only time we really hang out is at the bar on cheap wing night. We will have a few beers and share some jokes. The waiters are hot. Good thing there are no annoying dude waiters.

I usually get two orders of wings, one for me and one for my dad at home. I get kanji because even mild is too hot for me and it’s messy. I also wondered if it’s freezing outside if hot peppers will warm you up. So I did a test. I was sweating but I was still cold.

I do remember we ordered a big plate of nachos at the bar. They gave us a big bowl of hot peppers and my friends dared me to eat them. They all agreed to pay me $20 each to eat all of them. That’s a lot of money for me, so I did. The trick is to swallow them whole and not chew them. Still my mouth was on fire for an hour and the beer and water didn’t help.

I do more on weekdays than on the weekend. Usually on the weekend all my friends do is play Call of Duty. I tried a couple of times but I kept getting killed without even seeing the fucker. I didn’t know what I was doing. I still prefer Golden Eye, it’s much simpler. I miss playing videogames with the guys in person. Like playing such multi player games as Mario Kart, Mario Party, Mario, Tennis, Mario Strikers and hockey.

I hang out with my hockey buddies, including my dad who is on my team, at the bar after our games. So my dad pays for my beers. Again we have a few drinks and some food. Like complementary nachos. Too bad it sucks and there is not enough cheese. And too bad I can’t smoke weed in the parking lot with them because of my dad. He would stop giving me my allowance if he knew I spend it on weed.

Funny story, after the game I put my bag on top of my dad’s bag in the trunk of the SUV. I forgot to close it because I thought my dad would just press the button. We are halfway home when my dad notices the trunk indicator light up. He stops and my bag is missing. I’m freaking out and my dad is fucking pissed.

This could be bad because for all I know it could be in the middle of the fucking highway and cause a huge accident. He’s yelling at me and telling me that if we can’t find it I’m not playing hockey anymore.

I go out on foot and my dad retraces our steps. Luckily it fell out on the road near the arena and someone put it on the side walk. We find out later that my teammate found it and he was the one who put it on the sidewalk for us. This is where my mom would say thank the good Lord. But mom, why would God just not let my bag fall out in the first place?

I also sometimes hang out with my poker buddies. We usually play Texas holdem at my buddy Chewy’s place. The blinds are only like 20 and 40 cents but the pots can get pretty big. I’m very patient and I only play when I have good hands. I usually play one out of five hands and can make a few bucks that can I buy me a dozen beers and some pizza.

The funny thing is that we are all stoners. Chewy even had three pot plants in his backyard that I estimate to be worth several grand. Well he and his girlfriend were out of town and when they came back someone stole them. So he’s thinking it must have been someone they knew.

And my mom has become quite the health nazi. She doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight and yet she doesn’t want me to eat fatty food. Now she buys whole wheat bread and margarine. Margarine on popcorn is gross and although popcorn is butter flavor it needs more butter. And she always wants colorful meals. What I mean is she will be like we have corn, potatoes and chicken. They’re all yellow; this meal needs more colors so I will add brussels sprouts.

Look my goal in life isn’t to live as long as possible. I rather live fast and die young. Do you really want to live to a 100 yrs in some “retirement community?” Being old must suck. I don’t want to use a stroller, have dentures and worry about breaking a hip if I fall.

And I don’t want to be surrounded by death and find out all of my buddies are dead. My memory is already horrible as it is, I don’t want to have to keep asking where my family is. And the nurses steal my money.

But if I did have Alzheimer’s I’d write a note about an awesome movie I watched saying I should watch it. So it will be like watching the Sixth Sense for the first time and getting blown away by the twist ending each time. So I want lots of butter on my popcorn and I want to drink as much beer as I like.

But what does the future hold for me? As of now I am a reverse retiree. I got it all figured out. I don’t work now, but I will work when I’m 60. So I will enjoy younger adult years doing pretty much whatever I feel like. Like right now I feel like smoking a bowl, eat icecream and play Zelda.