Swiss Family Robinson

The Swiss Cheesy Family Robinson

I was feeling nostalgic the other day and for whatever dumb reason I decided to watch the Swiss Family Robinson on Youtube. I loved it as a kid. The movie is actually an adaptation of a novel about a family, the Swiss Family that is, that are marooned on an island.

The family is aboard a ship headed to New Guinea but the ship was chased into the storm by pirates. The crew abandoned the ship leaving the family in the haul. At this point my mom would say why didn’t they just let them out? Then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.

The parents are John and Dorothy. They have three sons. Fritz is the oldest and toughest. Ernst is the bookworm. Francis is the annoying kid with a high pitch voice. I honestly wish Francis would get killed by the pirates. He’s worse than a young Anakin Skywalker. Every word he says brings pain in my ears. And Roberta is the hot chick that the two older brothers fight over

So the ship is shipwrecked on some rocks. The family salvage as much as possible from the ship and bring it back to an ideal location of their new home. Including an organ. They never really explained how they carried an organ but whatever.

This is where I call the bullshit police because in a matter of days three men and an annoying kid built this modern home on some trees. They even have a goddamn fridge and running water. Seriously I bet in real life all they would have are some shitty huts.

Back in the day me, my brother and the gang actually built a tree house in the forest near the nature pathway. This thing was dangerous. It had nails sticking out and the wood and ladder was very sketchy. We borrowed our parents’ nails and wood. By the way saying borrowed is much better than saying taking. For example when I need beer money I ask my dad if could borrow ten dollars instead of take ten dollars.

Anyway Fritz and Ernst are checking out the island and come across some pirates. The pirates are holding a sea captain and his son Bertie captive. While the pirates turn their back Fritz and Ernst untie Bertie but don’t have time to free the captain.

So the gang is lost and they’re making their way back. Eventually they must cross a river and Bertie refuses. Surprise, surprise Bertie is actually a girl named Roberta. They must be really stupid not to figure out that a kid with short hair and a hat is actually a girl. Just how when I found out that someone at the bar with long hair and fake tits was actually a man.

It reminds in high school of this student Celine that we couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl. I was leaning towards a girl. I finally found out that she was a girl because she was holding flowers in our grad photos.

So right off the bat Fritz and Ernst are hitting on her. They must be pretty horny not having sex or finding an opportunity to jerk off in months. They make their way to their modern tree fort home on Christmas. Too bad their presents suck, but at least they don’t have to go to church.

Fritz and Ernst continue to hit on Roberta and she’s leading them both on. So they have a real fist fight over her. I’d think Fritz would kick Ernst’s ass, but Ernst throws in some good punches. All the meanwhile Francis watches and instead of stopping them he wants them to beat the shit out of each other. They also take on a fake ass snake.

So the family prepares for a possible pirate attack and make a fort on top of a cliff. They make some booty traps such as some logs and boulders. Francis actually caught a tiger in a pit. They made coconut bombs out of gun powder and Francis almost blows his arms off when he lights one. I wish he did. Fritz then teaches Roberta how to fire a rifle. Score. She already knew how to fire one.

So the family is having a fucking blast by riding different animals in a race. What craziness. Too bad when they start the race dumbass fires a gun that alerts the pirates. Roberta goes off track and sees the pirates. So the family takes cover in the fort above the cliff.

This was my favorite part as a kid when they fight off the pirates. It’s pretty violent when you think of it. They actually throw coconut bombs, release logs and boulders. And they fire muskets at them. In real life they would be slaughtering the pirates and you’d see a lot of bloodshed and dead bodies.

Just as soon as they run out of ammo and the pirates are about to viciously massacre the family, some ship begins firing at the pirate ship and the pirates retreat. How convenient. And being so close, the pirates could at least finish them off. But no.

Anyway it was Roberta’s father, the captain, that saved their lives. Ernst chose to sail away with them to the homeland and attend university. The rest of the family decides to stay on the island and start a new colony. Fritz finally hooks up with Roberta. I bet they built another addition to their home so they can have sex in peace. I also hope they have a working toilet and not just a hole. I want to know what is stopping the pirates to returning and getting their revenge. “We need more coconut bombs!”