Magazines

I Have Issues Magazine

I’m not much of a reader. My mom on the other hand loves to sit down with some chocolate, or Jujubes, and read a good book. She tries to get me interested in novels but I rather watch the movie. She also tries to get me motivated to watch the news and find out what is happening in the world.

For example she asks me what is happening in Egypt and all I know is that they’re all nuts in the Middle East and the government is corrupt and evil. And then she asks how can I have an interesting conversation without knowing any current events. She might be on to something because most of my conversations are about movies, video games and smoking weed.

On occasion I like to read the newspaper when I’m getting an X-large double, double coffee at Tim Horton’s. Just the other day some guy tried to smuggle drugs across the Canadian-American border. He scuba dived across the river at 3:00am carrying a water tight container of cocaine. Some narc spotted him and he was arrested in the States. Had he been coming into Canada his sentence would not be as bad as in the States.

Whenever I go to the variety store I like to browse through the magazines. Normally I don’t buy them but I like to catch up on my celebrity gossip and see what shenanigans Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan is up to. Imagine you are Lindsay Lohan and how would you feel each time you’re on the magazine cover? “Oh today I’m a crazy, washed up, drug addicted hoar. Maybe that’s why there isn’t going to be a sequel to Freaky Friday.” That’s why I always wanted to be rich but not famous. I don’t want to be on the cover of People with the headline “Gregera hits a new low as he sells his kidney to for crack and paint thinner.”

My uncle used to give us his old National Geographic magazines. I love animals and nature. In a few of them they had pictures of native tribes. And they were naked. As far as I remember it was the first time I’ve seen boobs. And I liked them. Imagine that everyone was butt naked. It would be awesome to see hot chicks’ bouncing boobs all of the time. But not so awesome to see granny’s vagina. I always wondered why natives have those ugly droopy ears with ten pound earrings. Stretched out giraffe necks with rings that can barely support their head. And nails through their nose. Eww.

My first magazine subscription was to Nintendo Power. This was long before internet guides. They would actually show levels beginning to end. This came in handy for games like Zelda or Mega Man. Each magazine came with a poster. Sweet. I liked seeing previews of upcoming games too. And they had players guide. It helped out with Golden Eye and Zelda Orcina of Time. The problem is I get lazy and I look up guides any time I get stuck, instead of trying to figure it out on my own.

Back in the day I had three subscriptions to men’s magazines. They were Stuff, FHM and Maxim. The first few magazines were huge and awesome. Now they’re paper thin. The thing is I buy them for the articles. I read everything from cover to cover. But I will definitely have a gander at the models. My mom thinks they’re filthy and when I was out of town she threw most of them out. Including my coveted Jennifer Love Hewitt issue.

Stuff is my favorite of the bunch. I love Randy the helpful pineapple. FHM, which stands For Him Magazine, is cool as well. It’s funny, chicks like those magazines too. And I tried the whole Maxim beat this caption. Too bad they don’t take any submissions that are outside the U.S. And my American friend is too busy to submit them for me.

My dad had a massive collection of Playboys in the cellar. So my mom has been throwing them out a few magazines at a time. Apparently she’s too embarrassed to let the neighborhood and garbage men see like 200 nudity magazines. I bought a few myself like the college issue or to see washed up celebrity centerfolds. Again like an airbrushed Lindsay Lohan. I’m still waiting for Jennifer Love Hewitt to waste her money and pose nude for a cold million.

Whenever I’m in the doctor or dentist waiting room I like to read People or Times. I find them more entertaining and interesting than Sports Illustrated. Too bad they don’t have Hustler. I guess it would be slightly inappropriate. And I admit I like reading Cosmo if they have any. The funny thing is they have more pictures of hot chicks than of guys. And two thirds of Cosmo magazines are advertisements. There are like ten ads before the damn contents.

And impressionable girls have this whole unrealistic body expectations. For one thing I think the models are way too skinny and have no boobs. Me on the other hand don’t have confidence issues when I see male models with six packs on Men’s Health magazines. I rather eat whatever I want than have washboard abs.

Sometimes I like to skim through Tattoo magazines. Some tattoos are really cool, some are really stupid. Personally I will never get any because I think I will regret it. I know a lot people who got screwed over. One idiot on my soccer team got his ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on his arm. Good thing it was in old English script and you can’t really read it.

But if I would get one, like a red maple leaf or something, I would pay a pretty penny to get it done right. I have even seen 3D tattoos. Cool. On the other hand there are people who have run out of space on their body. They even have tattoos on their face or feet. And then there are people who get “funny” tattoos. I’ve seen one idiot with a tattoo of Michael Jackson molesting McCauley Culkin. Great idea loser.

I’m sure by now people know my love of marijuana. But who actually reads High Times? I only took a quick look a few times. They show contests such as the Cannabis Cup. “Awesome! Did you see those red crystals on that bud? I want to smoke some of that!” Maybe you want to learn how to make a weed closet. My pal had one, with lights and shit.

And finally my good friend actually works at House and Homes Magazine. Canada’s #1 magazine about design and decorating!

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