Chicken Little
I never understood Chicken Little. So there is this retarded chicken that gets hit by an acorn. Only he’s no Isaac Newton. He clearly doesn’t understand gravity. No he thinks the sky is falling. He’s coocoo. Haha. That makes no sense. Hasn’t he get hit by rain, snow, hail or other falling nuts before without any falling sky?
So the cock (haha) rallies his equally stupid animal friends to see some lion or king about acorns and falling skies. Then a fox tells them to follow him. He leads them into his den and then eats them. This whole story makes no fucking sense. Apparently it’s about mass hysteria or something.
The moral of the story is animals are gullible and foxes enjoy eating these stupid animals?
The End
The Hare and Turtle
This hare tells his friend the turtle he’s slow as shit and they should race. This is one cocky hare and decides to have a nap during the race. Because the turtle is slower than a retard with a helmet. He thinks slow and steady wins the race. The turtle wins and gets the babe. The hare wants a rematch. We later find out the turtle was on anabolic steroids.
Too bad this doesn’t apply in the real life. Imagine you are racing against a fat kid for a medal and some cup cakes. Slow and steady isn’t going to do fuck all. It doesn’t matter if he can get all of the pies in the world if he wins. Just don’t go and watch Dexter during the race and you’re money. But you should share some cup cakes with him. He gave it his best.
The moral of the story is that rabbits are faster than turtles and they fuck a lot.
The End
The Ugly Duckling
Everyone loves baby ducks; they’re so cute. I like when they walk single file behind mother duck. Kind of like you have to walk single file outside of the elementary school when there is a fire. But haha, it’s not going to happen. I’m going to run away from the school as fast and far away as possible. Nobody is getting in my way. Not even the kindergarteners.
So these chicks are adorable. Unlike those annoying Canadian geese fuckers. But alas one duck is ugly. I guess a swan accidently left her egg with the duck’s eggs. Maybe she was too young to raise a chick, maybe birds can’t get abortions.
So everyone ridicules him and made fun of the supposed duck like everyone made fun of that token fat kid or total nerd that is in every school. There is always one. This is mean. Kids can be so cruel.
So the bird wanders to different places as an outcast. He wants to know his place in the universe. I too wonder why me? Why am I here, what am I supposed to do with my life? Oh God I’m so desperately lonely.
He hides during the winter. Seasons pass and springs comes around. He decides to meet some swans and they greet him. Then he looks at his reflection in the water and realizes he’s a beautiful swan. I too wish for one day to be beautiful. Then the handsome swam makes fun of the ducks. “Looks whose laughing now you quacks.”
The moral of the story is that looks are everything.
The End
Rumpelstiltskin
Nice name by the way. I wonder which baby books his parents were looking through when they landed on Rumpelstiltskin. “How about Robert?” “No.” “How about Ryan?” “No.” “How about Rumpelstiltskin?” “Rumpelstiltskin. Yes. Rumpelstiltskin.” And does he have a last name?
Rumpelstiltskin is a very, very disturbing fairy tale. If it’s a fairy tale at all. I think it’s just a little inappropriate for kids. So this miller is looking for some extra doe and he lies to the king saying that his daughter can spin straw into gold. I don’t think they mention her name. The king puts her in a tiny room with straw and demands her to turn it into gold by the next day. Or he will cut off her head!
That’s right he will cut off her head. First off the miller should know that his daughter can’t make straw into gold. And he should know that the king would want her to do it and the miller knows she can’t pull it off. And the king should know it’s impossible to turn straw into gold and so he’s basically planning on killing her. Instead of her father. Obviously she’s fucked.
But here comes Rumpelstiltskin. He’s an imp. It’s just so happens this Impy can turn straw into gold. What are the odds? So in exchange for his deed he wants her necklace. Then the king puts her into a bigger room with more straw and Impy does it for her ring. Then the king puts her into an even bigger room with even more straw.
Hey Impy, you could have all of the gold in the world and it can buy anything you want with all that gold. But he’s evil douche and demands her first born child.
The stupid bitch marries the king. Yes the very same king that was going to cut off her fucking head. So they have their first child and Impy wants him or her. I don’t know why Impy would want a child anyway. So Impy gives her the chance to win her baby back. Baby back ribs.
Knowing he has a totally fucked up name he says if she can guess it by the third day he’ll let her have her baby back. “Oh baby, baby, baby oooh, like baby, baby, baby, oooh, like baby, baby, baby oooh, I thought you’d always be mine” –Justin Bieber.
I don’t know how many chances she gets, so I guess she looked at some baby name books starting from the top with Adam. But I guess she could get as far as Greg.
But lucky her, some villager just so happened to walk by Impy’s home and overhears him chanting his name like a crazy imp. So the queen answers his name and Impy freaks out. I would have said no, its, um Rudy. Now hand over the child.
The moral of the story is don’t give your kids stupid names or demand they turn straw into gold.
The End.
Cinderella
I have never actually seen Cinderella but I think I know the gist. Cinderella has two bitchy step sisters that treat her like shit and make her do chores all day. They didn’t even have dishwashers, washing machines or Swiffer back then. Or Mexicans. I’m joking.
Cinderella dreams of marrying a prince. Or George Clooney. So her Fairy Godmother transforms her from a lowly servant into a super hotty. Her Godmother even transforms a pumpkin into a carriage and some rodents into horses so she can attend some kind of party in style. With booze!
It was a magical night.
The prince is infatuated by her beauty and grace. And he liked her rack. And her ass. The problem is that this magic only lasts until midnight and then she will become a maid again. I don’t see why her Godmother couldn’t extend her curfew and let her remain a hotty till six in the morning. So Cindy runs for it and loses one of her glass slippers on the way out.
Prince finds the slipper and decided to have all of the women try it on. It was a size 4.5. He finally gets Cinderella to try it on and it fits perfectly. Which makes you wonder if the slippers fit perfectly, then why did it fall off in the first place? And are they made of glass because wouldn’t they shatter?
I assume they live happily ever after. And the cunts have to make their own hamburger helper, vacuum the basement and set mouse traps.
I myself slave over the house chores for my bitchy parents. They even made me shovel the sidewalk on a cold day, set the table, vacuum the basement, mow the lawn and make me make my bed! And all I get for all of this damn work is $50 a week! And cable television, beer, videogames, internet, a warm bed, food, my mom’s car…
I myself wish to marry a princess. She is Jennifer Love Hewitt and the girl of my dreams. But alas she is taken. I love the word “alas.” I hear she is going to club in L.A. L.A.
There I find Jennifer in a booth with her asshole husband. She notices me and is captivated by my charm, dark skin, and rugged good looks. But alas my parents make me come home at ten. On the way out one of Nike shoes fall off for no reason. Jennifer finds it but alas I’m already home. By the way I put my name and address in my shoe. It’s size 15.
My woman googles my info and comes across my webpage I Have Issues. The very webpage you’re reading right now. She is captivated by my humor and opinions. But alas she says she is married, even though to the wrong man. But she Fed Exed my shoe. With the hotel address, room number and time inside. Yeah!
The End (to be continued)
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