Crime Pays

I’m a law abiding citizen. I’ve never committed any crimes. The most I got was a parking ticket. There are two reasons why; my own moral principles and fear of getting caught.

Or at least I’ve never been caught. I almost got a DUI when I drank five beers at home, drove to the bar and had another beer. However I wouldn’t say I was drunk per say.

So I was dropping everyone off and buddy told me to pull over. He grabbed a garbage can and threw it in the middle of the street. And it just so happened a cop was down the road and he pulled me over. But he was a nice guy and let me off. I’ll never do that again.

So here are some different crimes:

Murder

I don’t get why people think murdering someone is a great idea. Do they think they can get away with it? Is it worth spending the rest of you’re life in prison? Is it ever acceptable?

Let’s say your wife cheated on you and you’re totally angry. “Yes, I feel betrayed; I think it’s okay if I stab her twenty times. That will make me feel much better.” And what will you do afterwards. “I’ll put on a good show and cry a lot. I’ll say I want the perpetrator caught. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to Mexico.”

I’ve seen it many times on A&E. Sometimes they get away with it, and put on a good show. But everyone knows they did it. Take O.J. I think its hearsay, but the fucker had a motive and why would an innocent man run away from the police?

How shitty would it be to spend fifteen to life in prison? I’m pretty sure they would spend the rest of their sad life in prison regretting it. You know, being someone’s bitch and eating whatever shitty food they eat. Spending most of their time in a small cell without television or Netflix. Reading the bible and doing pushups.

But are there situations when you would murder someone? Like if some fucker beaten and raped your daughter. I would feel compelled to get back at him. I think I would kill the bastard or at least kick his ass. You know an eye for an eye.

Assault

Assault isn’t nearly as bad as murder. I’m not sure how it works. I mean what happens in a drunken bar fight? Is it the first guy to throw a punch or is the guy who kicks some ass that gets arrested.

For example let’s say a dude grabs your girlfriend’s boobs or called her a hoar or something. You can’t just sit there and do nothing. And you can’t call the cops and tell on him. “Officer, some asshole hit on my girlfriend. Will you arrest him please?”

Stalking

Stalking is so creepy. I should know, I stalk Jennifer Love Hewitt. I usually drive by her house and look through her windows with my binoculars. I find photos of her and put them all over my wall.  I even made my Jennifer Love Hewitt shrine. I guess you could say I Jennifer Love Her. We belong together forever. She just doesn’t know that yet.

Rape

How much of a scum do you have to be to rape someone and feel good about yourself? I don’t know why they can’t just jerk off to internet porn like everyone else. Or get a hooker or something. Maybe this is why prostitution should be legal.

Is it really worth that much trouble for a few minutes of pleasure? Or seconds? Depending on how long you can last. But the whole time you still have still hold her down while she’s fighting back and biting you. I wonder if it works the other way and you get raped by some Amazon chick.

But that would be a fun game to play with your girl. I’d call it the rape fantasy. “Ya, I’m raping you. Take it that.” “No, please stop!” I think you’d laugh more than anything else.

Raymond Comeau

Raymond Comeau is a sex offender from Sarnia. I knew this fuck from elementary school. I hate him. In fact the word hate isn’t strong enough word. Obviously everyone called him Raymond Homo.

He was a huge pervert. I remember he would show kids his dick and shit in elementary school. He actually climbed into the vents to watch little girls in the change room. I’m completely serious. It was like in the movie Not Another Teen Movie only incredibly creepier.

I don’t know the full story but so it’s no surprise that he raped and attacked about five women in their homes. He finally got caught in 2004 and I hope he knows what it feels to be raped. I hope he fucking dies. I would kill if I had the chance. Just search his name and Sarnia to find more about this evil fuck.

Robbery

In kindergarten when they asked what you wanted to be, I said I wanted to be a robber. I thought it would be fun. The other kid said he wanted to be a policeman.

But seriously I guarantee most robberies involve drug use. They are most likely strung out junkies. Maybe if their drugs were made available they wouldn’t have to resort to this. I mean I don’t give a shit if someone I don’t know does heroin. Who gives a fuck if they are polluting their own bodies? I’ll get back to that later.

I don’t think people rob banks and other places because they need food or necessities. And if they did need food I’m sure they could steal some bread and Twinkies at a grocery store. They wouldn’t need guns and threaten innocent people.

Kidnapping

In most cases kidnapping involves children, mostly from divorces. There are the rare cases where they lock them up in their homes and probably have their way with them. Take the movie Prisoner. The guy’s girls go missing and his only lead is this creepy guy who had his RV parked where the girls were last seen. It’s messed up.

Theft

Theft isn’t as bad as robbing some bank or threatening other people. I would never do it because I don’t want to be banned from a store. But I thought it would be hilarious if I stole one of those cardboard stand-ups of a cop saying shoplifting is a crime. That would be ironic.

However if I was 100% sure that I wouldn’t get caught I’d steal from a multi-millionaire. I’m sure he wouldn’t miss a T.V. or diamond ring that much. What thieves do now is steal from a house and then sell or pawn the stolen goods. But pawn stores have precautions in measure.

Pretty much every store has those alarm gates now. When I worked at Wal-Mart people would hide items in other items. Such as luggage. Then if the alarms go off you don’t accuse them but say you forgot to pay for it or we didn’t demagnetize the item.

In other parts of the world there are pickpocketers. I know someone who had his wallet stolen. I forgot where exactly but he even had a chain attached to his wallet but these sneaky bastards cut it. That’s why I keep my wallet in my front pocket. Beside its much more comfortable than sitting on it.

And my rich lawyer uncle’s wife had her diamond ring and other valuables stolen in Mexico. I don’t know why she brought it with her but it the cops wouldn’t do fuck all about it.

Arson

Arson isn’t cool. Do you remember the rapist Raymond Homo I mentioned earlier? Around my neighborhood there are these tall poplar trees. They’re seeds are what we call fluffs because well they’re fluffs like snow. So idiot lit a lawn full of them and they all shot up in flames. That could have started a real fire.

Grand Theft Auto

Grand Theft Auto is an awesome game. Sometimes I do the missions but mainly I like to kill a bunch of people and then try to run away from the cops. If you were a car thief what you steal? I would love to nab a Lamborghini or delorean. On the other hand there’re not too many of them around.

Imagine there is an apocalypse and you and a handful of people are the only survivors. How cool would it be to steal whatever you want and just drive as fast as you can anywhere you want? That would be so much fun.

Solicitation

I actually think they should legalize hookers. Like at a broth or something. I mean who gives a fuck if women or men are selling their bodies? I don’t think they care at all. What’s the worse that could happen besides STDs? It would be so much safer than having pimps and rapists. I mean don’t you feel sorry about some hideous freak that could never score with a decent looking human being?

Fraud

Frauds happen all of the time. Mostly against old people because old people are trustworthy and gullible. My mom knows this old lady on a fixed income that gives money to this preacher.

Personally I don’t trust computers or the internet. I don’t like giving out my credit card and I don’t trust poker sites. That’s why I like prepaid cards.

There was this douche who tried to scam my roommate. We rented a place in London, Ontario and since I was only going to live there in the summer he decided to rent it out his room. Well this douche from I think England said he’d rent it. But he said he gave too much money and wanted some back. Good thing my roommate’s banker warned him of this scam.

Illegal Gambling

I love to gamble. I would even bet money on Mario Kart 64, Micromachines and Dr. Mario with my friend. But I don’t know how illegal gambling works and why would you want to gamble there at all. By the way have you seen Rounders? What an awesome movie.

Is it illegal to hold a poker game at your house? I used to play at this guy Chewy’s place after our poker league. It was so much fun and so addictive. We all passed around the joints. It was only forty cent blinds but the pots could get up there.

I made twenty five bucks on one hand because I knew this guy would try to buy the pot. And I bought pizza with it and it was delicious. Or what about the dice game that people play in the ghetto. Is that legal?

Speeding

I have never got a speeding ticket. I usually go fifteen km over the limit. If I’m on the highway I will sometimes follow anyone going fast. I just don’t know if the cops will pull over the first guy or the guy following him. I like when there are those signs telling you how fast you’re going. I usually look at my speedometer to see how fast I’m going.

Graffiti

There are two kinds of graffiti. The cool ones that look like they took a lot of time, effort and skill. They’re usually on condemned buildings and rail carts. And then there are just stupid ones that people just scribbled on someone’s fence or sidewalk. You know stupid ones like a swastika or one saying Amy is a hoar. They’re just eyesores.

For example there is this nature trail that goes under the highway. And teens like to hang out under the overpass for some unknown reason. And these teens like spray painting the sides. And every two months the city paints over it so more teens can spray paint it all over again.

Hate Crime

I never quite understood what a hate crime is. For instance I don’t see the difference between committing a crime against another white person than against a black person. Isn’t a crime a crime? “Well you assaulted this person because you don’t like black people. Next time just assault the person because you just don’t like them and not because they are a different race. We’re trying to stop this racism.”

Narcotics

In a free country people should be able to consume any psychoactive substances they want. It’s their own bodies. It’s like making Taco Bell illegal because its full of fat and low grade meat.

In Holland all drugs are legal and needles are made available to drug users. And there are actually less drug users than in the States or Canada.

As I said earlier who gives a fuck if some people are killing themselves with heroine? Its much better than sending them to prison. What’s the worse that’s going to happen? Making crack legal isn’t going to make me want to do it any more. By legalizing it, it would eliminate the criminal behavior and actually turn a profit.

It’s acceptable for people to take prescription medication. But oh, recreational drug use, that  has to go. Fine, keep meth, crack, PCP and others illegal. But for Christ’s sake legalize marijuana now. It’s absolutely harmless. And it’s a much safer alternative to other drugs, huffing gas or the choking game.

You already have the two stupidest legal drugs. Booze makes you do dumb things like drunk driving, vomiting, blacking out or passing out. I much rather be a pothead than an alcoholic. But prohibition lead to bootlegging and crime actually went up. And smoking is so addictive and so harmful for your lungs and overall health.

There is the stigma surrounding weed. I say this all of the time, but I don’t like feeling like a criminal or evil person because I like to get high, feel good, laugh and get the munchies. Imagine if it wasn’t an illegal substance. What would be considered the worst?

And the gateway drug argument is stupid.

Again, what is everyone afraid of? What is the worst that’s going to happen? Day 1: marijuana is made legal. Day 2: marijuana is sold to kids. Day 3: car accidents occur all over. Day 4: riots everywhere. Day 5: marshal law comes into effect. Day 6: complete anarchy.

You know what’s going to happen? Nothing. I have never had problems obtaining weed. People will continue to enjoy weed. Probably more people will smoke it. Fine, make it illegal to drive under the influence. Make it available to only people over 19 years of age. Make you it so you can’t smoke in public. It’s a wonderful drug. I honestly think it will change people’s lives for the better.