AFI’s 100 Greatest American Movies of All Time

It would take me a long fucking time to create my own top 100 movie list. I mean how could I decide?

First off I don’t think it’s fair to include every genre into one list. I love to laugh. So I love to smoke weed and watch a comedy. So pretty much all my top movies would be comedies. And that means Austin Powers would be my favorite movie of all time.

The problem with the AFI is that I’m assuming they’re all old people and people tend to like movies they were brought up by. For example my dad loves his old World War two movies. I’d fall asleep if I watched them. I tend to have a rule of thumb to not watch black and white movies.

I grew up in the 80s so movies such as Goonies or Ghostbusters are close to my heart. I tend not to watch comedies before the 80s. I had to watch Singing in the Rain in film class and it had its moments. But I would never smoke weed and watch it with my friends. I’d rather do a word search puzzle or watch Home Improvement.

I mean when me and my buddies got high and watched Zoolander it’s one of those movies where you look at each other and giggle like crazy. Singing in the Rain at most would make me smile at best. And I laughed my ass of when I watched Stranger than Fiction.

I’m not much of horror movie fan. Unless I’m on shrooms I won’t get scared. And I hate the Saw movies. They’re disgusting and it makes me feel bad for the victims. I just want to strangle that puppet thing. I rather watch the Shinning, Paranormal Activity or the underdog Canadian series Cube. Now that’s scary.

Unlike my dad I hate most Westerns. I just don’t like that time period. I rather watch a medieval movie. I’m not much of a Civil War movie fan either. They haven’t made any really good ones. So I was disappointed when I watch Lincoln. I was expecting some cool battle scenes. There was only a brief battle scene at the beginning. The rest was boring and I couldn’t give a fuck about American founding fathers.

I used to be an action movie fan when I was little. I really enjoyed Universal Soldiers for instance. Now I can’t stand them. Like Red. My dad loved it. I didn’t love it.  I’m tired of car chases and explosions. I admit I still love James Bond. And I love dramas with some action. If you can see the difference. Take Brave Heart, I wouldn’t classify it as an action movie, but there are some awesome action scenes.

I like to watch a movie with a good plot or story. Take the Beach, Memento, the Butterfly Effect and Vanilla Sky. Now that’s good movie making. I care about the characters and I want see what unfolds. And some of my favorite mobster movies are Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas and Scar Face.

So I looked up American Film Institute’s greatest 100 movies. I never even heard of half of them. I know they felt obligated to include all of these classic movies. Had a random movie like Snatch been made in the 50s then I know it would rank high on the list. It didn’t even make it. And had Vertigo been made in the 90s, I’m sure it wouldn’t be on the list. I think they fell in love with Hitchcock and want to suck his dick.

So here is the American Film Institute’s One Hundred Greatest Movies!

[100] Yankee Doodle Dandy

What a stupid fucking title. Like all ancient movies it’s a musical. Which pretty much means it sucks.

[99] Guess who’s Coming to Dinner

Guess who’s never heard of this movie.

[98] Unforgiven

I’m not much of a Western fan but it sounds alright. It stars Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman. I think everyone loves Morgan Freeman’s voice.

[97] Bringing Up Baby

This movie is a 1938 comedy. Which is kind of a contradiction. But I’m sure people back then laughed their asses off.

[96] The Searchers

My dad is a huge John Wayne fan and I’m sure he owns the Searchers. And I’m sure it’s racists against aboriginals.

[95] Pulp Fiction

Only the 95^th greatest movie? Pulp Fiction is one of my top ten favorite movies. It’s a Quentin Taratino film so you know the chronology is messed up. The best scene is when Samuel L. Jackson is interrogating this guy and this guy keeps saying what? “What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?”

[94] Goodfellas

Goodfellas is probably my favorite mobster movie. It’s based on a true story. These gangsters pull off the biggest heist at the time. And when the protagonist is arrested he narcs on all of the mob bosses.

[93] The Apartment

“Movie-wise there has never been anything like The Apartment, love-wise, laugh-wise or other-wise.” You know how incredibly awesome a movie is with those sick rhymes on the cover. I’m sure it sucked-wise.

[92] A Place in the Sun

Oh shit this dude has two affairs and gets his first woman knocked up. I’m sure back then in the 50s this film was really racy. Now he have Jerry Springer.

[91] My Fair Lady

Apparently there is this bet that one dude can change this hippy chick into fooling everyone that’s she’s refined lady. Kind of like Pretty Woman.

[90] The Jazz Singer

There are several Jazz Singer movies, so I assume they mean the shitty 1927 one. This Jewish son doesn’t want to follow their retarded traditions and dreams of becoming a Jazz Singer. It only got 6.9 on IMDB.

[89] Patton

Patton is a WW2 war movie I have yet to see. I can think of a hundred better war movies than this.

[88] Easy Rider

Easy Rider is a cool 60s movie about two guys riding their motorbikes to Mardi Gras to party. And it features the cool Steppenwolf song Born to be Wild. I also love the song Magic Carpet Ride. Once there they drop some acid and run into trouble with some rednecks.

[87] Frankenstein

Did you know Frankenstein was the mad scientist and not his monster. I’m sure when Mary Shelley wrote it, it was terrifying. Rrrrr. Now I’d probably laugh.

[86] Mutiny and the Bounty

This is mutiny, I have never heard of it.

[85] Duck Soup

That’s disgusting, I love ducks. The chicks are so cute when they follow their mother single file. They should make geese soup. I hate those fuckers. They don’t move out of the way, they hiss at you and they shit all over the fucking place. The other day a kicked a bay one. It was so gratifying.

[84] Fargo

Fargo is a good movie where they take this rich guy’s wife for ransom but things don’t go down as planned. I think Suicide Kings was better. I have been thinking of taking myself ransom and try to swindle some money from my folks. I might have to cut off one of my fingers though. For realism.

[83] Platoon

Awesome Vietnam movie starring the man with dragon’s blood; Charlie Sheen. Hey his name’s Charlie. Coincidence? I’ve heard he and his friend took a bet to see how many hookers they could fuck. Too bad he quit Two and a Half Men. He was the show. I love how they killed him off though.

[82] Giant

I wonder what it would be like to be a giant. Sure it would be expensive but hey you could spend you’re whole day just eating and drinking beer without worrying about your weight. But everything would be too small. Like your shower or your cell phone. And you’d need handmade shoes and clothes. And your dick would be almost too big.

[81] Modern Times

For a movie made in 1936 it’s not too modern. Charlie Chaplin is a funny as the holocaust. It’s a silent movie so it must suck. Audiences were happy enough just to see moving pictures. I do remember the scene where you get’s trapped in the cogs and shit.

[80] The Wild Bunch

It’s about a bank robbery. I’m sure they’re a real wild bunch. I rather watch Snatch.

[79] The Deer Hunter

The Deer Hunter is one of the most overrated movies ever. It’s so boring. I myself couldn’t shoot a deer. They’re so cute. However I do have those killer Cabalas hunting games for the Wii. My mom thinks it’s still wrong. But I’d shoot a baby goose in the eye.

[78] Rocky

“Adrian!” The Rocky movies are pretty fucking sweet. I love listening to Eye of the Tiger while running up the few steps at City Hall. I was never sure if he acted like he couldn’t talk or that he can’t talk at all. Mickey: “You’re gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!”

[77] American Graffiti

George Lucas made this movie before Star Wars. Harrison Ford even stars in it. I gather Lucas was a fan of drag racing and this was why he created those stupid Ipod Races. As a teenager we would also drive all over town. Now gas prices have doubled since then.

[76] City Lights

Another Charlie Chaplin shitfest. I don’t understand why these critics feel obligated to put all of these old movies on the list. I wouldn’t even waste my time watching it.

[75] Dances with Wolves

I saw this at the theaters with my family. Me and my brother wanted to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles instead. But I loved it.. I like how he hits on the only white chick. He couldn’t even understand her. It was a Costner classic. Then he made Water World. Cough.

[74] The Gold Rush

Sometimes I watch those gold digging reality shows. They spend a fortune but they can get lucky. I myself want a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[73] Wuthering Heights

There are several Wuthering Heights movies and I’m sure they all suck. These movies aren’t that great when I never even heard of them.

[72] Ben Hur

I’ve seen it before. It was huge production about an epic chariot race in ancient Rome. Its stars Charleston Heston who later goes on to star in Planet of the Apes. He’s also a member of the RNA. “You can take my rifle when you pry it from my cold dead hands!”

[71] Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump should be on any top movie lists. It’s one of those movies you can watch over and over again. I have already written a blog about it years ago. So check it out.

[70] The French Connection

I hate French people.

[69] Shane

Why the fuck is this movie the 69^th greatest movie of all time. I read a summary about this western and it sounds boring as Hell.

[68] An American in Paris

Yet another movie from the 50s. There aren’t enough movies from the 80s, 90s or God forbid the 2000s. It’s about a love triangle. And I hate French people.

[67] The Manchurian Candidate

I’m starting to think the AFI doesn’t even like good movies. I guarantee had they released this movie now, it would bomb at the box office and would never even make it on this bias ass top 100 list.

[66] The Network

I liked the Social Network. Awesome movie. Oh I wished I created Facebook and become a billionaire. What would I do with all that mullah? Perhaps make a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[65] The Silence of the Lambs

“Hello Clarice.” Wicked movie. Anthony Hopkins is fucking crazy. I like how he gets into her head. And I like how he escapes. I’ve heard people taste like chicken.

[64] Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Do you ever notice how Steven Spielberg is obsessed with aliens? You have E.T., War of the Worlds, A.I., Batteries Not Included, Men in Black, Transformers, Cowboys and Indians and even Indiana Jones: the Crystal Skull. I enjoyed it but it shouldn’t be on any top 100 movie list.

[63] Stagecoach

I’m running out of things to say about mediocre westerns. It’s another John Wayne movie where I’m assuming they are on some sort of stagecoach.

[62] Tootsie

This unemployed actor dresses as a woman so he can star in some soap opera. Oh imagine all of the hijinks and uncomfortable situations. I never seen it but I’m sure at least one scene is with some dude hitting on him until he feels Tootsie’s dick. I rather watch Ms. Doubtfire.

[61] Vertigo

I had to watch it in film class and it had a good twist. I think the Sixth Sense or Unbreakable had way better twists though. I mean it blew my mind when I watched those. But I knew right away what would happen in the Village.

[60] Raiders of the Lost Arc

Awesome movie. Too bad the one Blossom chick from Big Bang Theory ruined it for everyone. Because when you really think about it, Indiana Jones didn’t accomplish anything. The Nazis would still have found the Arc and they still would have been killed when they opened it.

[59] Rebel Without a Cause

I’ve heard good things about it and I should watch it one rainy day. I’ve read they have switchblade knife fights and play chicken. I myself am bit of a rebel. The other day the lady at McDonalds gave me too much change and I kept it.

[58] Fantasia

I saw it really stoned and I wasn’t all too impressed. Everyone knows the Sorcerers’ Apprentice where Mickey gets lazy and decides to make all of these brooms carry water. But there are too many and they flood the place. I want brooms that can bring me beer.

[57] The Third Man

I read the summary and it sounds boring as Hell. It’s something to do with a black market and a mysterious death. I sold one of my kidneys at one and bought a counterfeit karaoke machine.

[56] MASH

MASH stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. I’m surprised that a comedy about the Korean War did so well. Normally a military hospital would be sad and gloomy. You end up with soldiers shot in the stomach, dying or their legs amputated.

[55] The Sound of Music

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Big Macs, videogames, beer are some of my favorite things

[54] All Quiet on the Western Front

Another war movie I have never heard of. If this shitty 30s movie made the list then Saving Private Ryan or Enemy at the Gates should be on it too.

[53] Amadeus

It’s some obscure movie with something to do with Mozart, religion and an insane asylum. At least it was made in the 80s. I don’t think I could even find this movie at the movie rental store if I tried.

[52] From Here to Eternity

Why is this movie even on this list of the greatest movies?

[51] The Philadelphia Story

All of the actors are dead now. That’s hilarious.

[50] Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

At least I have heard of this movie.

[49] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Another overrated Disney movie. It’s so fucking shitty compared to the new cartoons like Finding Nemo, UP and Megamind. Half the movie is them washing dishes. But can you name them all? They are Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey. Dopey is creepy as fuck and I think he’s on the dope.

[48] Jaws

Jaws is a cool movie. Probably one of Spielberg’s only movies not about aliens. It scared the shit out of everyone swimming in the ocean. But not here in the Great Lakes. Its fresh water and the only fish we have to worry about are large mouth bass.

[47] Taxi Driver

“Are you talking to me?” Awesome Martin Scorsese movie that stars Robert De Niro as the taxi driver and a young Jodie Foster as the hooker.

[46] A Clockwork Orange

An awesome Stanley Kubrick movie, it’s really messed up. You probably seen the part where guy is hooked up to the T.V. with his eyes pried open so he can’t look away while he watches horrible things. It’s all about the theme of freewill.

[45] A Streetcar Named Desire

Stella! Stelllla!

[44] The Birth of a Nation

It’s a civil war movie about the rise of the Ku Klux Klan. Haha what a bunch of rednecks. I remember back in the day when Jerry Springer was new and fresh, he had the grand dragon on the show and he was about to lose it on those racist assholes. I never understood why they burn upside down crosses.

[43] King Kong

I have never watched the full movie but I remember King Kong goes on rampage in New York and climbs the buildings and grabs some hot blond from her apartment. And the planes are shooting at him. Have you ever played Rampage? What a sweet videogame. They should have a new 3D version where you can go anywhere in the city.

[42] Rear Window

A famous Hitchcock movie. I’ve heard of it before. It’s about this paranoid man in a wheelchair with binoculars that spies on his neighbors and thinks he has witnessed a murder. There was a great Simpson episode when they open a pool and Bart breaks his leg and he thinks Ned Flanders killed his wife.

[41] West Side Story

My grade seven class went to see the play West Side Story. There are two rival gangs in Manhattan. There is the white gang the Jets and the multicultural gang the Sharks. I liked when the guy gets stabbed.

[40] North by Northwest

Another Hitchcock movie that I have never seen it or never will see.

[39] Doctor Zhivago

Haha nice name. There was actually this kid in my school that his father named him Zilvar. It sounds like a something a magician would call himself.

[38] Double Indemnity

It’s about this salesman having an affair with some other guy’s’ wife. They decide to kill him in order to get money from an accident insurance policy. I’ve heard of this before on A&E. It never ends up working. One time this dude won the lottery and thought it’d be grand idea to have his wife knocked off so he could keep it all for himself.

[37] The Best Years of Our Lives

High school is probably the best years of your lives. Then it’s all downhill from there.

[36] Midnight Cowboy

It’s about this dishwasher that likes to dress as a cowboy. He decides to become a male hooker to make some cash. I knew a real crackhead dishwasher from my poker league. He would always go all in, all the time. So you just have to wait till you have something decent. I heard he lost $300 at the casino. That’s a lot of crack money, I wish I was at that table.

[35] It Happened One Night

I don’t consider comedies from the 30s comedies. You know what funnier, let see is. There is Austin Powers, Zoolander, Grandmas Boy, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Dodgeball. I could go on.

[34] To Kill a Mocking Bird

I have heard of it. But it probably sucks. Based on some book about a southerner lawyer that is defending a black man against rape charges. I’m sure it’s racist. Fun fact: I was actually named after Gregory Peck. But I never really liked my name.

[33] High Noon

I actually watched this while playing videogames for some reason. It’s so fucking long and slow. The movie should have been like five minutes. And when noon comes along they have the sheriff just shoots the bad guys and that’s it.

[32] The Godfather Part Two

Finally a worthy movie. The third one is good too but not as good as the first two.

[31] Annie Hall

I never found Woody Allen movies funny. I just don’t like the actor because he ends up fucking his adopted child.

[30] The Treasure of Sierra Madre

There be treasure in Mexico. I thought this would be pirate movie.

[29] Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

I don’t care.

[28] Apocalypse Now

Amazing. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” It’s my favorite Vietnam movie, based on the novel the Heart of Darkness. The best part is when they play Ride of the Valkries on the helicopters when they attack Charlie’s point. And the chef asks why do all you guys sit on your helmets. “So we don’t get our balls blown off.”

[27] Bonnie and Clyde

I haven’t seen this true-life mobster movie yet but it sounds worth watching. I prefer Natural Born Killers. I love the end where they break out of prison to the Rage Against Machine song.

[26] Dr. Strangelove

I rented it just so I could say I’ve seen it. But I fell asleep. The full title is Dr. Strangelove and How I Learned to Love the Bomb. You probably know the scene when the guy rides the atomic bomb like a cowboy.

[25] E.T.

I already wrote a blog about E.T. I love how his alien friends ditch him and he has to use a Speak n Spell to phone home. They didn’t have Verizon Wireless in the 80s. I just didn’t like this movie that much.

[24] |Raging Bull

It’s another Scorsese flick starring De Niro as a boxer. I didn’t really like it as much as I thought I would.

[23] The Maltese Falcon

I had to watch it in film class. I don’t remember a single damn thing from this movie at all. It’s that boring.

[22] 2001 Space Odyssey

A classic Stanley Kubrick movie made in the late 60s. It’s obviously set in the year 2001. And like all 60s movies we grossly overestimated what the future would hold for us technology wise. It’s really trippy and is all about evolution. It’s the movie with the thinking computer Hal that ends up turning on his creators. Good thing my Laptop hasn’t killed me. Yet.

[21] The Grapes of Wrath

Based on the novel by John Steinbeck. I guess it’s about grapes or wrath or something.

[20] One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Good classic film starring a young and handsome Jack Nicholson in some insane asylum. It has its moments. The best part is when the native guy grabs the water fountain, throws it at the window and escapes.

[19] China Town

I’ve heard of Big Trouble in Little China. Now that’s a great movie. I love Raiden. And I really love that hoar Samantha from Sex and the City.

[18] Psycho

Okay Psycho is the defining classic horror movie. I’m sure everyone knows about the blood draining in the shower and his dead mother. It’s based on Ed Gein as the serial killer. He is the bases of so many horror movies such as Silence of the Lambs and the Texas Chain Massacre. Let’s just say he was fucked up and would make clothes out of women’s dead bodies. Today it wouldn’t scare me the slightest.

[17] The African Queen

I don’t think this movie deserves to be the 17^th greatest movie. I don’t even think it deserves to be on the top 10,000 movies of all-time. Have these critics from AFI even watch a movie past the 90s?

[16] All About Eve

All about Nothing. I don’t even know what to say about these boring ass movies. Next.

[15] Star Wars

Star Wars is a part of my life. Its part of our culture. I’ve probably seen it infinite times. I’m glad these old farts included it. Then they made the prequels. I think everyone was expecting way too much. I hated Jar Jar and I hated the kid even more. But I still enjoyed them. I just hope Disney doesn’t royally fuck up the new ones.

[14] Some Like it Hot

I like it hot too. So two men witness some crime and disguise themselves as women to get out of trouble. It reminds me of White Chicks where the two Wayans brothers go undercover as white chicks. I’ll admit they look as close as they could get, but they still look like two black men. It had maybe two funny parts in the whole damn movie.

[13] The Bridge on the River Kwai

My dad owns its. I have better things to do than watch it. Like plant a tree.

[12] Sunset BLVD

You know a movie is boring when you can barely read the summary without falling asleep.

[11] Its a Wonderful Life

I usually watch this every Christmas Eve. The guy didn’t even want kids. But a feel-good movie. I wish we saw the chick naked. I just didn’t understand when he’s about to commit suicide and then his guardian angel jumps in the river and he jumps after him to save him.

[10] Singing in the Rain

It was a funny movie way back in the 50s. I rather watch Scary Movie 8.

[9] Schindler’s List

Great movie. And it’s meant to be in black and white for added effect. It stars Qui Gon Jinn as a Nazi factory boss who makes a list of Jews that won’t get killed. Very sad and moving film. Good choice.

[8] On the Water Front

It stars Marlon Brando. He was a great actor. But so was Mike Myers. Then he made the Love Guru. I’m sure it sucks.

[7] The Graduate

I never graduated from University. I wasted three years and a lot of money to go nowhere in life. But the experience was awesome. I really miss it. It stars the Rain Man himself Dustin Hoffman as the graduate who has an affair with Mrs. Robinson. Great song.

[6] The Wizard of Oz

What an overrated and totally gay movie. But have you ever gotten really baked and watch this movie on mute while listening to Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon? It’s really trippy because the music and video are synchronized and are describing the movie. For example when Dorothy enters Munchkin they dance to the song Money. Or you hear the Tinman’s heart beat.

[5] Lawrence of Arabia

Long and boring!

[4] Gone with the Wind

Frankly dear I don’t give a fuck about this movie.

[3] The Godfather

We’re are getting closer. Godfather is awesome. It’s one of those movies that you just had to watch before you die. Great acting, great story.

[2] Casablanca

Here’s looking at you kid. I knew it would rank high. It’s a classic but mostly dialog. It stars Humphrey Bogart that likes to drink and smoke. I think they should have included tits or something to keep me awake.

[1] Citizen Kane

“Rosebud.” I knew it would be the greatest movie. I think it’s on every critic’s list. Good filming and a good story. It was his sleigh by the way. I don’t know why he named it. I’d call mine GT. My favorite toy was Spirograph. “Spirograph.”