Snow Birds

So I’m off to Florida with my Dad tomorrow. If it wasn’t for friends and family I would stay there forever. I would love to be a mailman there. All you do is walk around in nice weather and listen to your Ipod. You wouldn’t ever have to think again. That would kickass!

Sure it’s nice in the spring and summer but winters sucks ass in Canada. I realize I spend most of my time in my room playing video games but I like to go for walks and smoke weed. Tons of people have commentated on seeing me all the time. I’ve almost became an icon. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. Some dude called me fag and drove off. And it got to me. Fag! What the fuck! Why did he call me a fag? I’m not a fag. He doesn’t even know who I am. He’s the one who is a fag. Fucking fag.

As kids snow was awesome. My mom has a picture of me and my first snowman who I called Frosty. He didn’t come to life and it was a piece of shit. I used stones and twigs and a carrot. But he died in a horrible death as he melted into water. Snow forts and snow ball fights were awesome too. I’d let mine melt just a little. Of course I don’t know how to throw. I throw worse than paraplegic girl.

Skating and playing on the ponds kicked as too. I was always worried about the ice cracking and falling beneath. I don’t know if you die from drowning or the freezing cold.

So my brother would be like oh its fine no worries. Are you sure? The sign says skate at your own risk. And guess what? It broke underneath me and I died. Ha, just kidding, I’m fine.

Anyway once again I have no idea where I’m going with this. I just start writing and get way off track. It’s how my mind works. As you can clearly see I’m getting off track as I’m writing this. I was writing about Florida.

It’s only me and my dad who are going this time. I guess my mom would be happy to not have to cook or clean the house. I bet she will be watching the View or chick flicks and eating chocolate. So we are meeting up with my favorite aunt and uncle. They are the coolest. My aunt is like 60 years old but looks like she is 40. We always get into these deep theological debates about pretty much anything. She’s also wiz at sudoku

Editor’s note: My computer doesn’t know the word sudoku exists. Microsoft Word has done this before. Who the fuck has written this dictionary that doesn’t know of the popular game sudoku. This happens with other relatively common words too.

So I just finished packing. I bought a huge hockey bag at Goodwill to put my clothes in. And my mom keeps giving me more clothes. She has to relax. I’m already wearing jeans but my mom packed two more and I know I won’t wear them. Whats the worse that could possibly happen by only bringing two jeans? What this I got ketchup and pukes stains on both of mine jeans. Holy shit my mom was right. It’s too cold out to wear shorts to go to the dry cleaners. What am I going to do? I guess its catch 22. And she keeps asking if we have every thing like were are climbing fucking Mt Everest. I forgot my shaving cream, drive back home I can’t go on without it.

So I’m bringing my portable DVD playa to watch in the car. I’m bringing Lost. I got seasons one and two for five bucks each at Goodwill. Sweet. I know Lost would be like forty dollars at Sunset or Wal-Mart. And the thing is that like a lot of shows the first two seasons are the best. I love Goodwill, I get a great deals on everything like older DVDS and even golf balls. I also got the Butterfly Effect and Space Balls the other day. If uh you give a shit.

I’m excited to play my DS games out in the sun. This time I only am bringing ten DS games. I currently playing Professor Layton; it’s a kind of like a puzzle and mystery game in one. Next I planning on playing Chrono Trigger; a Super Nes classic. But I’m sure I will be busy with my fellow retirees. If you don’t already know is that I’m in reverse retirement. I plan on not working until I’m 60. Why waste the best years of my life working at Subway. Mmm. Subway. I like to get a foot long pizza sub.

And I like old ladies. They are experienced and they know what they want. And what happens in Florida stays in Florida. Too bad that Bettie White is the only surviving Golden Girl and her show Hot in Cleveland will be cut short when she has a stroke. And I’m off track again.

I plan on going fishing, golfing, swimming and just kickin it in the hot tub. Life is good. So I will be gone for two weeks and will take a break from writing I Have Issues. But don’t worry I will have many of adventures to be told when I come home. And of course I will be without the weed for two weeks. It will be it will be good for the lungs to take a breather. But no worries I plan on drinking cheap beer on the steps like a porch monkey. So ha ha enjoy the weather while I’ll be getting be basking in the sun and having an awesome time.