Transformers

Transgenders Men in Disguise

Remember the Transformers? They were created in the 80s and kicked ass. The new action figures look like pussies compared to them. I don’t even know if the new Transformers can actually transform. Obviously these robots can turn into other vehicles. The good guys are the Autobots and they pretty much turn into automobiles. I prefer the bad guys the Decepticons because they can turn into airplanes or other machines.

I forget what they were fighting for. I think the Decepticons were after energy cubes or some shit and attacked Earth for them. And the Autobots defend Earth and befriend with us. I think that’s the best plot they could come up with. I think the whole reason of the show was to promote the toys.

Being in the 80s the Transformers seem a bit outdated. I don’t even know if they pass the ignition test.  I think their windows had to be manually rolled down and there are no cup holders. I highly doubt that they have GPS or a CD playa.

Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots and can turn into a semi freightliner. I don’t know where the back end of the truck goes when he transforms; but whatever. What does he have to transport anyway?  Since he is a truck driver he uses a lot of methamphetamine and has satellite. He likes listening to 80s Rock and the Howard Stern show. He likes to pick up hitchhikers for blow jobs.

Bumblebee is the smallest of the Autobots and everyone’s favorite. He can turn into a Volkswagen Beetle and is easy to parallel park and he gets good mileage. I think he is just a little jealous of the other cars. I think I would rather be a Lamborghini.

Prowl is the pig, I mean police car. He can speed and run red lights and park anywhere. So in car form he will pull over a speeder or whoever. The suspect might freak seeing a driverless car pulling him over. Then he turns into a fucking robot and asks for the suspect step out of the vehicle. The problem is that it’s pretty difficult to get the criminal in the back street while he’s a car.

Jazz loves his music; he has surround speakers and huge amplifier that you can hear three miles away. Just don’t drive in him or you’ll go deaf. He has the best cassette player around and has a wide assortment of Madonna and Prince tapes.

There are also female Transformers who look pretty for the other transformers. They have metal boobs and tight bodies. I think one of them can turn into an oven or another one turns into a vacuum.

I wonder if there is a school bus Autobot. The problem would be if he accidentally turns back into a robot while the kids were inside. The kids would be crushed and killed. Whoops, I just decapitated little Timmy. My bad.

Megatron is the badass leader of the Decepticons and can turn into a giant death laser. A powerful weapon but not too fun. He has to hitch a ride from one of the other Decepticons anywhere he wants to go.

Starscream is the fighter jet and next in command. However he wants to be number one and is always plotting against Megatron. I mean the Autobots are driving around in their fifty thousand dollar cars and Starscream is a multi million dollar Eagle and could easily bomb the shit of everyone including a Megatron. I hate his screeching voice.

Sound Wave is my favorite Decepticon. He is one giant cassette player and can dish out mini cassette transformers. I think he is just a bit outdated though. Maybe he should shoot out Iphones or CDs. He gets really annoyed when he tries to download Itunes and it won’t let him. He enjoys Metallica and ACDC.

The Devastator is fearsome. The robot is actually six transformers that can turn into one giant transformer. The transformers are construction vehicles. Why I don’t know? Are they used to build homes, secret bases or a new Denny’s? What happens if the Autobots destroy one of the construction machines and they can’t become Devastator anymore? All of the Transformers are fighting each other and call the can do is move dirt around or pave roads.

Then there is the stoner Weedy who can turn into a giant bong. He’s against war and likes to protest everything but usually just gets stoned and watches Charles in Charge. He really shouldn’t drive because he’s always stoned. He might get pulled over by a cop for going too slow. The cop looks into the car and sees nothing but a cloud of smoke and freaks out.

If I had to choose whatever I wanted to be I’d be a black hawk helicopter named Chopper. I would have anti aircraft armor and heat seeking missiles. I could easily land anywhere I want. Too bad I would be enlisted to go to Iraq while the rest of the world is fighting giant robots for Earth’s survival.

You never really do choose what you transform into. I think the guy who was chosen to turn into a dump truck is just a little pissed off. I don’t know what he does with the garbage. Hey fucker, you’re not disposing that television or that rancid shit. I can’t even fit into a car wash for fucks sake. I had to be cleaned with a power wash.

It’s impossible to fill up with gas alone. I think at first the clerk looks at an empty car pulling up and thinking what the fuck! Then he turns into a robot and asks the clerk to fill him up. He turns back into the car and lets the clerk fill him with premium gas. Then he turns back into the robot to pay the clerk. And then he switches back into the car and drives away.

Is it just one giant coincidence that they happen to turn into the very vehicles we humans were driving at the very same time? What happened if the Transformers visited Earth during the early 20s? The Transformers would turn into these shitty cars or even horse buggies. Megatron would turn into a rifle and Star Scream would be this shitty airplane that needs someone to start his propellers and one long fucking runway.