I have already written two blogs about a few fairy tales once upon a time. Such as the Three Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Bean Stalk, Goldilocks and Hansel and Gretel.
I’m proud to say people really enjoyed my take on these fairy tales. So check them out in the archives. So here’s what you have been long awaiting for. More blogs about fairy tales. I have written 14 additional fairy tale blogs and divided them into three parts.
Fairy Tales Part One:
Three Billy Goats Gruff
The tale goes that there are three goats. Talking goats that is. But animals can talk in fairy tales. Or in native stories that they tell around the camp fire. In fact my native name is He Who That Tokes Too Much Leaf.
Anyway there is a small, medium and large goat. Or little brother, older brother and even older brother. Or son, father and grandpa. It doesn’t really matter.
They smoked all of their grass and decide to smoke the grass on the other side of the river. Because the grass is always green on the other side. But they must cross the river, only they aren’t going through customs. No, there is a troll hiding under the bridge who wants to eat them.
Little brother is the first to cross. I don’t know why they don’t all cross the bridge together but hey its’ a fairy tale. The little goat is stopped by the troll who says he’s going to gobble him up. The little goat tells him his older brother is going to cross and will be a much bigger meal. I don’t know why the troll just doesn’t eat the goat and if he’s still hungry then he can then eat the bigger goat. Baaah.
The second goats pretty much says the same thing about his older brother. But the oldest goat kicks the troll’s ass and throws him into the river. We never see troll face again. I think he‘s under some overpass or he is on Broadway. It doesn’t matter. The goats smoke a lot of pot and they live happily ever after stoned.
The moral of the story is that anytime you face a hungry troll just tell him to eat someone else that is bigger who is going to cross the bridge. Even if there isn’t anyone..
The End.
The Princess and the Pea
This has to be the most ridiculous fairy tale ever. I have no clue what’s going on. First off, why do fairy tales have to involve royalty, hidden castles, first born children, protagonists named Jack and wolves and foxes?
Once again a prince is searching for a princess. Which is hard to find because there aren’t too many princesses to pick from. You have Great Brittan and a handful of Middle Eastern princesses. And there are a lot phonies. Like Anastasia; that Romania
Personally I couldn’t give an airborne shit if some hotty is or isn’t a princess. But it would be cool having a sugar momma. And erect huge gold statue of me killing a bear.
So genius places a pea under like 20 mattresses and have random chicks sleep on top of this bed. Then he asks how they slept. Most of them slept fine because they are sleeping on memory foam mattresses or taken nightquil. And most of them think he’s crazy. But it would be fun to jump on.
Then one bitch complained that she was uncomfortable, she couldn’t sleep and might even bruised. And he’s like yes! I got myself a real princess.
Wouldn’t this bitch be the last person you would want to marry? She would bitch and moan nonstop. “Um I think you dropped a skittle under the couch. It’s very uncomfortable. And my feet are cold.” This is exactly why you call someone a princess. Because they are spoiled.
The moral of the story is the writer should stop smoking crack.
The End
The Monkey’s Palm (I know its not really a fairy tale)
So this Mr. White gets this mysterious monkey’s palm off some mysterious man so he can grant three wishes. But this mysterious man warns him about the dangers of the mysterious monkey’s palm. Mr. White wishes for $200. He could have easily wished for a cold million. But whatever.
However he does get the $200 for compensation when his son dies in some accident in the factory. And I’m thinking only $200? So they burry him. Then Mrs. White wants her husband to wish for his son to come back home. Um she could easily just ask for her husband for the palm so she could give it a shot.
The son comes back to life and is knocking on the front door. But Mr. White soon realizes this could get ugly. Like his son is some kind of zombie. I guess they don’t have a pin hole. So he wishes his son to return to the cemetery and burry himself. Why not just get Mrs. White to wish for everything to go back as it was before?
It’s funny that when I cut off a monkey’s palm I also faced a similar curse. My first wish was to go out with the hottest chick ever; Jennifer Love Hewitt. But she mentioned I was going bald. So I wanted to please her and wished for more hair. However the next day I grew hair all over my body and I turned out looking like Chewbacca. And I have to buy a shitload of razors or buckets of wax. “We need more wax.”.
The moral of the story is be careful with monkey’s palms and make sure you buy them a dependable and reliable monkey palm dealer.
The End
The Boy Who Cried Wolf
I think everyone has heard of this story. But I’ll tell it anyway. So there is this shepherd kid that is herding his sheep. He decides to be an ass and thinks it’s funny if he pulled a prank and tell the villagers a wolf or wolves are killing his sheep. They find out he tricked them and they think boys will be boys.
It was so ridiculously funny he did it again. But then there really is a wolf eating his sheep and he cries. But the villagers are sick of his bullshit and don’t believe him. So he gets eaten alive by the wolf. And the village people are like whoops.
This reminds me when way back in college the fire alarm went off in my dorm. I guess fucking douche decided it would be hilarious to pull the alarm. So everyone had to evacuate the dorm and the fire trucks had to come. Fucking idiot. It was so funny someone else pulled the alarm in the freezing cold. And the fire trucks had to come. Again. Fucking loser.
And guess what, it happened a third time. Sure the alarm was the worst sound ever possibly made and I could potentially burn to death but I was sick of this bullshit. And the fire trucks had to come again. Again.
The moral of the story is that gags and pranks are only funny when nobody gets hurt or if the fire trucks don’t have to come. Except when you steal old people’s walkers. That’s always funny.
The End
Sleeping Beauty
So a king knocked up his wife the queen after him taking some Viagra and her taking fertility pills. They are holding a ceremony for their daughter that seven fairies attend with gifts. Gifts of hotness, wit, grace, break dance and rap music. They just hope nobody got the same thing.
But one fairy is evil and puts a curse on her so that when she pricks her finger on a sewing machine she dies. Another fairy then changes the curse so that when she does prick her finger she goes into a coma for a hundred years until she awakens by a prince.
Therefore the king demands all sewing machines to be banned under the penalty of death. With the parents away, she snoops around the kingdom and finds some old lady with a sewing machine. Old lady didn’t get the message. Curious, she tries sewing and you got it, she pricked her finger.
And she goes into a deep coma. Her royal parents then lay her on a memory foam mattress so she’s comfortable. And made sure no peas were underneath it. Haha.
Afterwards a good fairy decides to put everyone else in the kingdom to sleep for some unknown reason. And then she put trees, brush and other annoying shit around the castle to ward off any intruders. The sign said only princes, no trespassing.
Exactly a 100 years pass by and a prince discovers the castle. Nobody has cut the grass for years and the mailman never stopped delivering the mail. The prince finds the princess and tries to cup a feel and booya she awakes. I guess she needed her ‘beauty sleep’. Haha. Beauty sleep. I am hilarious.
It’s love at first sight so they marry and live happily ever after. Meanwhile the rest of the people also awake and wonder what the fuck happened? In fact many didn’t survive the long slumber. But the story goes that they just picked up what they were last doing and everything was back to normal.
The moral of the story is beware of evil fairies and sewing machines.
The End (To Be Continued).
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