Jesus is a brilliant man, if he was a man. He was born of a virgin mother Mary. How can a virgin have a child? Well I heard it was God’s seed or some shit. So did God rape her or did he take her out to a fancy restaurant and made sweet love to her on the beach. Either way he coveted another man’s wife. And why is he God’s only child because I thought we are all of his children.
When and how did Mary find out she was pregnant? I don’t know if they had First Response back then. Mary never looked up pregnancy tests and there was wide speculation that she cheated poor Joseph. However she was adamant that the man upstairs got her knocked up.
Either way I don’t know how Joseph feels about it having sloppy seconds to Mary; if he actually got laid at all. One thing is true; God has got to be huge. So for the rest of his life he was Jesus’ step dad. I bet Jesus called him Joe. You never really hear much about Joseph in the rest of the bible. Haha loser.
How did anyone know Jesus was actually God’s only son? The prophets could be full of shit. I know Mary could be unwavering in her own scheme of cheating to poor Joseph. So how did anyone else know?
Mary and Joseph couldn’t find a place so they had the Lord’s only son in a manger. With goat shit. Now if you look at mangers the wise men were already there. Hey “wise man where the fuck were you an hour ago? We gave birth on some fucking straw. Where the fuck was your gold, myrrh and frankenstein then.” So he Lord is born in a heap of animal shit. I don’t know how the wise guys found it by starlight. What happens if they went to the wrong manger and God’s only son is actually Brian?
Speaking of names I wonder how Mary landed on Jesus. Records show that Mary was using a baby name book and was deciding on Ken, Stan or Jesus. Or Jessica if she was a girl. But she didn’t want a common name like Ken and chose Jesus. Too bad tons of people are still named Jesus, which isn’t cool. How do you get a pizza ordered with the name Jesus? Or “Hi welcome to Burger King my name is Jesus, how can I help you?”
So we all know Jesus’ birthday just so happens on the same day as Christmas. So yes we have to go to an overcrowded church when we could be home opening presents and playing Zelda.
The bible completely skips his childhood. I guess he had an awkward childhood. Did the kids make fun of him because he was God’s only son? “Hey Jebus, nice hair and sandals. Do you want to fight?” “Ya were is your savior now?” And Jesus is like “God why have you forsaken me?”
So yeah the bible skips a huge chuck of his life and boom he is in his thirties. I don’t recall any cell phone pics of him but I guess he has long hair and a kickass beard.
What I don’t like about Jesus is that he claims himself as the only son of God. Did Jesus have any sisters? But I admire him. He preaches forgiveness and to love your neighbor. He champions the poor and helpless, which is great.
Other religions including Jews promote war and death to the imbecile. That’s why I don’t like those crazy religions; especially Islam because of their backward logic and how they treat their woman.
So he walked around Israel
I think Jesus had the hots for Mary Magdalene. “How much do you want you slut?” “Oh Jesus it’s free for you. You can do what ever you want.” “Oh you are a hoar. I will cum again. Haha.” Later on Mary is texting Jesus and pissed off because he didn’t call her. “Look bitch I have people waiting to see! And you’re getting fat.”
Jesus performed many other miracles. I like the one where they have a loaf of bread and some Captain Jack fish sticks. People are eating the food and wondering where the fuck is it coming from. I want to know how Jesus cooked and skinned all of this fish and how dated the bread is.
My favorite one is when Jesus turned the water into wine. That would be an awesome power to have. I’m pretty sure he simply spiked the water but he was the savior of that party. And an alcoholic. I mean how hard will it be to try to kick your addiction with water being everywhere.
And like Link’s Adventure he can walk on water, another cool skill to have. Instead of a carpenter I think he should have been a life guard or a human buoy. Or he should have been on Baywatch.
Then he has to die. One day people are waving palms leaves to him and the next week you’re enemy number one. So he knows he’s going to die and wants to hold a last supper. They got Swiss Chalet and a microwave dinner. Peter doesn’t like Swiss Chalet. Then he cleans their feet and gives a foot rub for all of the Apostles.
Jesus says that one of you will betrayal me. But he knows who it is and wants to play a psychological game with them. The apostles are paranoid and thinking who is the rat. Judas is the one who rather live. He’s the one holding the dagger in the Last Supper painting done by Leonardo DaVinci..
So Pontius Pilot feels a bit guilty for punishing an innocent man, thinking he is just nuts, and decides to whip him. Whip him good. But the Jews want him crucified big time. And now because of this one incident many Christians hold these thousand year long grudges because some Jews who they never met killed their savior. And Mel Gibson makes himself look like a jackass. But hey he knew it was coming and he himself is what; get this, a Jew?
Then there are the Stations of the Cross. What I don’t get is why does he carry a huge cross that they are going to nail him to. Why doesn’t he just say “no, fuck you asshole!” and run away. What are they going to do with him now? What’s worse than being crucified? Touché. So he becomes the biggest martyr ever.
Witnesses are asking why he doesn’t use his superpowers and obliterate everyone he hates? My favorite line is that “he died for our sins.” Hmm. If he died for our sins than even Hitler will forgiven. There would be no Hell. Even so I haven’t committed any “sins” for a long time. Unless dealing crack to kids is a sin.
So he’s crucified. But have you ever heard of Spartacus? Thousands of people have also been crucified for less. It’s no cup of tea but so what? Many have died a worse death like a burn victim. So people bury him and then three days he ascends to Heaven.
And the most ingenious line ever is “I will be back again.” So people have no fucking clue when he will be back or if he ever will. Across the world people are always on edge and worried that it will happen in their life time. It would be nice to have a ballpark estimate like maybe the year 3000.
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