Jesus Camp

I remember way back at Western University my roommate and good friend JP told me about the movie Jesus Camp and how pissed off it made him. So I had to watch it. It starts off with this radio DJ, who is one of my heroes, pretty much cutting through all this bullshit evangelist believe in. I have nothing wrong with Christians; my own mother is a huge Christian and I love her. I find it just silly though. However evangelists are really fucking crazy. They are a cult; even my mom would find it disturbing.

Jesus Camp is all about evangelists and how loony they are. Some parts are hilarious; some are almost unbearable to watch. Jesus Camp is of course is a crazy bible camp run by this crazy fat ugly pastor hag. She will be henceforth be called Hag. One of her lines is that “people are getting fat and lazy.” What a hypocrite. She has spiked hair and even asked what the kids thought of it. Nobody really applauded.

Jesus Camp follows some kids but mainly two of the hardcore ones stand out. One is this loser kid named Levi with a rat tail that wore a Faith Factor shirt. He will be called Ratty. And then there is dorky girl who tries to spread the good word to random people she meets. She will be called Dorkess.

What really pisses me off with this movie is how Hag brainwashes these impressionable kids at such a young age. They all are obsessed about Jesus and they give their life up to serve the Lord. Look the Lord wants you to live a good and happy life and be kind to people. He doesn’t want people to obsessed with Him and worship Him all of the time. He has heard the song Sing to the Mountain too many damn times. Even though that’s a kickass song.

The movie begins with these kids in either camouflage or in war paint singing this Christian soldier propaganda. Pastor Hag is saying all of this crazy shit that their enemies are more religious and that they give their lives to God and so should we. Hey bitch; people from other religions are not necessarily your enemy. They are all of course God’s people.

Then they all started to speech in tongue, which is just gibberish. Who the Hell started this shit? Was it some baby? Ask them to repeat whatever the fuck they said and I bet it will be completely different. Then some of the kids start crying and falling to the ground and shit. And I mean crying a river so much there is mass flooding. That’s really fucked up and Hag thinks this is a good thing.

Afterwards Hag meets up Ratty and his friend and asked if they are going to attend Jesus Camp. Well Ratty is says he is definitely going and looks like he is super excited. Well Hag asks when he was born again and Ratty says he was saved when he was five. I have no clue what saved means. He says he was tired of life and wants to serve the Lord. He was only five for fuck sakes, go play Nintendo or Pogs with your friends and forget about this bullshit.

Ratty is home schooled and with a stupid mom as the idiot teacher. I guarantee he’s going to learn all of this church nonsense and not any science or anything useful in life. Sure home schooled kids might know more about the Lord but when they are out in the real world they aren’t going to have any social skills and mommy can’t be there to protect them.

My favorite part is when Ratty is watching this show making fun of evolution, it was gold. Some idiot actor is like oh ya we came from this goo. Ratty thought it was hilarious. The guy tries to make fun of Darwinism, like we are the crazy ones.  All of them clearly don’t understand how evolution works probably because they never gave it a chance and it fucks up many parts of the bible. And the bible can never be wrong.

Then the show claims that the Earth is 6000 years old. Seriously that’s so incredibly retarded. And Ratty buys into this shit probably they were never given the choice to learn science and geography. Some believe man and dinosaur coexisted together and others just don’t believe in dinosaurs at all. And when you try to defend something so stupid you look even dumber.

They are bowling and Dorkess prays to God to make her do well in bowling. She actually says I command you Lord. And then she gutters the ball. That’s karma bitch. Seriously Dorkess I think you should reserve prays for more serious matters like Little Timmy’s heart transplant surgery or to end world hunger. God doesn’t give a shit if you want to get a strike. Then Dorkess comes up to this random woman trying to spread the word of God.

So they are getting the place ready for Jesus Camp and Hag is praying for all of this shit to happen without a hitch. I swear to science that she asked the Lord for the microphone to work and that they have enough chairs. And then she commands the Devil to not mess up the power point presentation. I’m totally serious here; if you don’t believe me watch it yourself. You can’t make up this shit.

Hag’s presentation begins with a song JC is in the House. If I had a cell phone that would be my ring tone. Hag starts with this speech about sin and that sin will destroy you. What exactly is sin and why are we sinful. These kids are eight years old, what sins have they committed? Did they steal someone’s pogs or stab some kid in the eye? I mean boys will be boys. Then she gives this stupid analogy that sin is like a lion. Hag is holding a baby stuffed animal lion and says this is what sin is like at first; nice and cuddly. Then she pulls out a lion and says this is what sin becomes if you don’t stop it. Brilliant.

Another funny part is when Hag calls Harry Potter a warlock. Look retard, Harry Potter is a wizard and not a warlock. I own all of the movies and I never heard anything mentioning warlocks. And the Harry Potter books are fictional and warlocks are fictional.

She basically is saying that warlocks are real. What is she so afraid of? Are they going to cast spells at you or are kids going to turn to the dark side?

The boys are having an awesome time with flashlights before they go to bed. Well buzz kill scout master says horror stories don’t honor the Lord. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean but hey why not ruin everything for these kids. Look kids play hide and go seek, does that honor the Lord? 

The movie just gets more and more absurd. Hag is actually writing a power point presentation about sin and that sin leads to death. And then she putts blood dripping from the word death. Again she has a brilliant analogy with a balloon; that if you pray to or learn more about God then the balloon inflates. However if you sin then your balloon will lose air and pop.

Ratty is wearing a Reese Buttercup shirt this time that says Jesus is the King of Kings instead. Haha loser. He should be wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt that say cowabunga dude. He says he is shy unless the Holy Spirit is in him, whatever that means. So he is practicing to do a sermon and it’s painful to watch. He says that people shouldn’t be sitting there watching T.V. because Satan will be after you. I don’t think watching the Golden Girls is putting myself in danger of Satan.

One of the scout masters says today we are going to have some fun! And that’s smashing cups with a hammer. The cups are supposed to symbolize government. Well fuck head thinks that Christianity should be put back into government and they should take back their country as one nation under God. Hey, government and state are supposed to be separate. Going against the government is unpatriotic. People are free to choose what religion to believe or not to believe in. At the time the evangelist already elected President Bush the retard that openly promotes Christianity. Speaking of Bush they actually had a cardboard cutout of the retard. Hag actually said something like everyone welcome President Bush. And they applauded to someone that isn’t there.

Things are getting way out of control. Kids are crying and reaching out to the Lord. They are actually passed around Kleenex. They looked like their dog just got smoked by a car. I couldn’t watch it yet I had to do to just see how far it goes. She says another brilliant analogy that Christianity isn’t like McDonalds. You can’t just go through life like a drive through. Mmm Big Macs.

They had this creepy guess speaker talking about abortion. I officially have no stance or opinion on abortion. So he puts some tape on a lot of the kids and then asks them to repeat his message that abortion is evil. And this is the biggest hypocrisy ever; they all chant this shit like no more lives to be taken and life is precious. Hmm, but Greg you might ask, didn’t they openly promote war and chanted this means war at the beginning of the film? Apparently aborting a fetus is evil but killing people in war is okay.

Next up they are attending some super church with Pastor Ted Haggard. Remember this was before the scandals. So I find it hilarious that he is condemning homo sexuality and saying its in the bible. I never read the whole bible but I’m pretty sure it’s not there. So he makes some really bad and offensive jokes and Ratty and the whole audience are just eating it up. Fun fact he used to talk to President George Bush and his advisors every Monday. What I don’t know is that does he believe in all of this shit or does he know its bullshit. After all he got caught doing meth with other gay men more than twice.

So hag says numerous times that this is a sick old world. I’m not denying that there are many problems in the world. There are wars, fathom and evils but overall this is a wonderful world created by the man upstairs. And I think things will get even better. To end the movie the DJ goes face to face with Hag and totally burns her. She made no sense at all and once she hangs up he says the more I hear of about this it just gets crazier and crazier. Amen to that!