Greg the Artist

I like to draw. In kindergarten my classmates drew the weirdest pictures; things that don’t resemble anything all. Such as crude circle creature with arms sticking out of their body and thirteen fingers. While I on the other hand could draw pretty decent people. Even so, now when I look back on my older pictures my mom kept, I thinking what the hell was I thinking? All of my pictures had a smiling sun in the top corner. I mean you need a sun don’t you?

Later on in school my skills in drawing and staves grew stronger and more powerful.

I loved to draw Star Wars. I loved to draw cartoons like Mega Man villains, Nintendo characters, especially Yoshi and Link and comic book heroes like Spiderman. And my own character: wormy. Soon I was helping the girls draw soccer balls and Canadian flags for them. And I think everyone has drawn the whole sun setting in the ocean painting.

I never did win the Remembrance Day poster even though my poster was very detailed. I lost probably because it was very graphic. I always drew soldiers killing each other and dead bloody bodies lying everywhere. Quite disturbing for a grade two kid.

In high school I would doodle all of the time in class instead of listening to the teacher go on about the legislative government or whatever. I would doodle on every empty space there was. I liked draw what I was thinking or my own name. And I liked to draw pot leaves and mushrooms. So taking visual arts was a no brainer. Again I was one of the better artists. Too bad I ran out of white paint and had tons of yellow paint left.

We learned a great deal of artists like the creepy Van Gogh. Who cuts their own ear off and send it to the girl that they are stalking. What does he expect? Oh thank you creepy stalker I love it and I will place your ear on the mantle. Haha can you hear me? I mean when I send packages to Jennifer Love Hewitt I don’t send my fucking nose. And who paints their own portrait fifty times? Hey next time try painting bunny rabbits or rainbows. I guess all of that toxic paint made the man crazy. I ate paint chips as a kid.

I had to do a report on Picasso and I wanted to be funny. It was but you’d have to be there. He’s not gay or anything even though he slept in the same bed as another guy. But he does have women issues as you can see from his pictures. Some of them look like a damn retarded potato head. If you try to move it around you’d be oh it’s a face.

I used to think abstract paintings were for people who couldn’t paint. For instance there was just a blue square and I’m asking what the big deal is? So for my next painting I painted a red square. It was harder than I imagined. However now I appreciate all forms of art. Not to sound corny but good part of art is seeing what you are going to paint.

So I’m taking visual art 101 and am excited about painting nude models. For once I can check out and stare at a naked chick without feeling totally creepy. I was thinking it would be like a strip joint. I was wrong. I thought only hot chicks would pose because they’re not ashamed of their hot bodies. No these creatures were gross. They were fat and had sagging breasts and gross as fuck bushes. I mean when you have twenty people staring at you you would think they might make themselves presentable. And I forgot about we had to draw dudes as well. Dudes who were obviously gay. I sat behind the model because unlike the kid in Super Bad I don’t like drawing dicks. So what I did was draw a censored box over the junk or try to pixilated it. My teacher laughed.

But it wasn’t to be. My dreams of becoming a famous painter died when I realized that everyone else in my class was a million times better than me and there would be absolutely no point to purse such a career. And my teacher said it gently that my paintings were sketchy. But I passed and got a %70 and another credit. So hey if any hot chicks want me to do a nude painting of them I’m your man. I charge only fifty bucks.