Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Dude, do you remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I forget how the teenage turtles became the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’ve tried pouring toxic chemicals on my hamster so I could have a Teenage Mutant Ninja Hamster. It just died and gave me cancer.

Why do they wear masks one might say? I mean its barely covering their face. I think the average person knows they are fucking giant turtles. Hmm, it’s some guy in a trench coat wearing a peculiar mask. “Wait, it’s one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Awesome I should take a picture for Youtube” I guess their masks help people distinguish them apart.

Michelangelo is everyone’s favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He wears the nifty orange mask and uses the nun chucks, my weapon of choice. And he says cowabunga a lot. Leonardo is the leader wearing the blue mask and uses the most dangerous weapon known to man, the sword. They never do show him chopping off limbs or decapitating villains. Raphael is the bad boy wearing the red masks and uses those um triple knife thingies, a good choice. And who can forget Donatello the smart turtle with the pole. I guess they ran out of colors for poor Donatello and he got stuck with purple. However neon colors are coming back and the kids are wearing purple shirts now.

Splinter is the karate master that mutated into a giant freak rat. No wonder they live in the sewers because if anyone saw him they would freak because he’s a fucking giant rat. But turtles are cute. I think April is the news reporter and friend of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She only wears a yellow rain coat and has the thing for Michelangelo.

Shredder is the evil villain with a triple platinum belt. I only have a tangerine belt. Why not just buy a gun? I don’t know. It would take a heavy shotgun to penetrate the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s thick shell though. Shredder is the leader of the Foot Clan that does petty crimes. You never see them robbing a bank or selling drugs or even using a gun. No they are old school criminals using their body as a weapon. Why join the Foot Clan? I guess it’s a cool thing to do, like smoking cigarettes.

Bebop and Rocksteady are the two goofs. I really wanted to see them in the movie, but no they couldn’t make costumes for them or include them in the script. This sucks because I wanted to see a giant hog and rhino.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live in the sewers of New York. Which is gross. Imagine the stench and shitty water. You think people would eventually come across their pad. They like going up to the city using the manholes. This isn’t a safe idea. I mean its New York for Christ’s sake. There would be traffic and could take out Leonardo’s fucking head.

They love their pizza. Especially Splinter because rats like cheese. I don’t know if that’s all they eat or what. It would be easier for them to make pizza pockets. Of course they love Pizza Hut pizza, a clever marketing ploy. I know I want to have what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles eat. I also love the Teenage Mutant Ninja van. I want to know who built it for them. And I forget, but where do they park the van anyway. They can’t possibly fit it in the sewers and the paparazzi must be after them wherever they go.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are teenagers and their hormones must be going crazy. Do they try to catch female turtles and dose them in toxins to create Teenage Mutant Housewife Turtles? Or do they like real women, like April.

I was never a huge fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. For one thing they have a million different versions of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and only two Shredders, that fly dude and a foot soldier. You have these gimmick turtles like Hawaii Michelangelo or Karate Chop Leonardo with real karate chop action. How can you have a fight when all you have are turtles fighting other turtles?

So the cartoon has been going on for years and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles should be the Forties Mutant Ninja Turtles and Splinter must be dead. The Forties Mutant Ninja Turtles must be in a midlife crisis by now. Raphael has just purchased a new motorcycle and Michelangelo left New York to Hollywood to pursue an acting career.