Barbie

When I was a little boy I was really into Lego, Micromachines and G.I.Joes. The cool thing about Lego is you can build whatever you want. In fact as a kid one of my dream jobs would be building Lego sets like castles, vehicles, spaceships or whatever I imagine.

I liked Micromachines. I had a map of a city and like fifty cars. I think I needed a beaverwagon, hearse, Fiero and cab to complete my collection. And G.I.Joes were awesome but I already wrote about them a long time ago.

But this blog is about girl toys. Many times girl toys are a pink version of boy toys. Such as a pink Gameboy called Gamegirl that comes with My Little Pony the Game. Personally I hate the color pink. And I don’t like purple either, although guys are now wearing purple shirts.

I never understood how fun girl’s toys could be. For one thing it seems that right off the bat these toys are rearing girls to making babies and doing household chores. I remember all of these stupid dolls, like a baby that pisses. That’s gross. I just hope they don’t make a baby doll that cries at three in the morning or that shits its pants. With real shit.

Barbie is the quintessential doll. She has pretty much every job there is. Like Astronaut Barbie, Marine Biologist Barbie, DEA Barbie and Anesthesiologist Barbie. But I think they need more realistic and blue collar jobs, like Housekeeping Barbie, Stripper Barbie, Gas Pump Attendant Barbie and Working Girl Barbie.

With her dimensions and huge tits, she wouldn’t be able to walk or even stand up. That’s gives girls impossible expectations of their bodies. You don’t need to have Plump Barbie or Fat Lazy Needs to Use a Wheelchair at Wal-Mart Barbie. But have more realistic proportions. And nipples.

Why can’t you just buy outfits instead of having like thirty naked Barbie dolls, three Ken dolls, two Token Black Barbie dolls and a Midget Barbie?

What do you do with Barbie anyway? “Today Realstate Agent Barbie is going shopping at the mall to buy a business suit and needs to pick up some hotdog buns and milk on the way back.” She drives a pink Cadillac. But its not very eco-friendly. She’s thinking of trading it in to get a pink Beamer. “Now Realstate Agent Barbie is going to buy some lingerie to look sexy for Ken.”

Then Barbie has her pink dream house. Only it’s missing an entire wall, a computer, and toilet. And what does a Barbie do anyway other than trying on clothes. And I think a pink house is a bit tacky. It really hurts the retail value of a house and the only people interested it are probably gay. So the makers wanted to appeal to the redneck girls. They made Trailer Trash Barbie’s pink trailer with Wife Beater Ken.

I swear to God that I have read somewhere that when they first made Barbie talk she says “will we ever have enough clothes? I love shopping! And wanna have a pizza party” That’s why there are so many damn ditzy girls around. You know the girls that laugh at anything remotely funny that a guy says. Maybe there should be some more realistic lines like “what’s the weather like today?” Or “the View is on T.V. in five minutes.”

They have even made Barbie video games. Normally guys play Call of Duty or GTA where you steal cars and shoot people. A Barbie game would be going to the mall getting points by finding clothes on sale at Old Navy. And flirting with virtual boys. I don’t even know if you can beat these games or what?

Then there is the easy bake oven. I think the easy bake oven is preparing girls to cook for their husbands. I don’t even know how well you can make cupcakes. Because I do love cupcakes. They should make an easy grill barbeque for boys. You get to wear a chef apron and have heat lamps to make real hamburgers. Just like McDonalds.