Water World

I have always loved the kickass Mad Max trilogy. It stars a young and badass Mel Gibson that takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. Kevin Costner is also a great actor who starred in one of my favorites movies Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Don’t get it mixed with Robin Hood with Russell Crow. What an awful movie and disappointment that was.

Since Water World also takes place in a post-apocalyptic world I thought it would be awesome too. It wasn’t. I guess it was okay. The movie cost like $175 million but bombed and they ended up losing money. I guess Costner thought if we build it they’ll come.

                                 

The story goes that the polar caps and glaciers have melted from global warming and now all land is underwater. And the survivors are searching for a place called Dry Land. Costner is a mutant with gills and web feet so he can swim underwater for long periods of time. He is also a total spaz and he has a terrible comb over.

Costner has an awesome boat that I bet cost a few million dollars. He is pretty much just sailing aimlessly. And every so often he comes across other sailors. Costner has a shitty little tomato plant that some douche steals while he is underwater grabbing dirt. The problem I have with this movie is that nobody could survive this long on water. How ironic, it’s called Water World but people don’t have any water to drink.

What I don’t get is why don’t these people just go fishing? All you have to do is use a rod and catch fish and then use part of those fish you catch as lures to catch more fish. There would have to be fish because later on Costner uses himself as live bait and he is eaten by this mutant whale. He miraculously blows up the whale from inside and escapes with without a scratch.

Eventually Costner makes his way to this huge floating compound that I bet cost millions of dollars. He wants to sell some dirt and shit in exchange for items at the store. The clerk is Helen, who is a hotty, and her young daughter is Enola, the chick from Napoleon Dynamite. Helen and Enola were supposed to go on this hot air balloon with their old geezer friend but he leaves without them by accident.

Enola has this stupid tattoo on her back. Apparently it shows the direction to Dry Land. I wonder who exactly would tattoo a little girl. They must have already known about Dry Land to begin with, so why leave? And they could have just written down the map.

And the tattoo is a circle with an arrow pointing up to some mountains and also some Chinese letters. I don’t know how you could use an arrow pointing up in a world of water to find directions. It might have made more sense if they had coordinates of the stars to guide the way or something.

By the way I was pretty stoned when I watched it, so I forget some details. And I have already returned the movie. So for some forgotten reason Costner is locked up in a cage for some crime. It just so happens that these bad guys called Smokers are attacking the fort for some reason. I don’t know why because they used up oil, skidoos and lives for nothing really. Dennis Hooper, the captain of the Smokers, loses his eye in explosion. A funny scene is where they make a fake eye that looks ridiculous.

Helen frees Costner in exchange to letting them escape on his boat. I wonder if he named his boat. If I had to choose, I’d call my boat the Drgonautical! So Enola has found some crayons and was drawing. The funniest part is when Costner finds out and just throws her overboard.

And she can’t swim. Hmm, right. You live on a world of water and you can’t fucking swim? That’s just poor parenting on Helen’s part? You’d think she would teach her, you know it might come in handy. So Helen dives in to rescue her and Costner hesitates. But he’s not that much of an asshole and lets them back on.

Hooper and the Smokers are also trying to find Dry Land. They live on a huge freighter and have thousands of men to row the ship. And I’m thinking why would they need so many people when food is so sparse. But they have a shitload of Chef Boyardee and endless amount of cigarettes.

Hooper finally captures Enola but nobody knows how to read a map with an arrow pointing up. Enola knows Costner is going to rescue her. Her best line is “he doesn't have a name so Death can't find him!” So Costner cuts through hundreds of men like margarine and saves Enola. And then he drops a flare down the oil tank and everything explodes. That must be a few million dollars right there.

So the gang escape and run into the old guy in the hot air balloon. They use the map with an arrow pointing up and arrive on Dry Land. A very cool scene. Everyone is excited because they have everything they need to enjoy life. And Costner has the hotty Helen as a girlfriend.

But he doesn’t want to stay. Homo. I guess since he’s part fish he likes it on the open sea. Maybe he’s searching for a mutant fish girlfriend. The left an open-ending. Maybe they should make a Water World sequel and spend a billion dollars! Haha.