Carnies

So my family is having Thanks Giving Dinner this Sunday. Too bad we aren’t having any relatives or guest over, which is sad. Now we are going to have way too much food. And it’s a long weekend that everybody enjoys except me because I’m in my reverse retirement years.

If you don’t already know, we Canadians have Thanksgiving earlier because the weather gets colder and we harvest earlier. I don’t even think we had the whole dinner between the pilgrims and the natives. In the states the natives welcomed the settlers but many years later the settlers turned on them and killed the natives off the land. And we are thankful for that? I feel bad that poor people who are not thankful because all they get are sliced turkey and string beans.

We have my dad’s favorite; turkey. It takes my mom hours to prepare and we end up eating dinner in less than ten minutes. It is a rare occasion to eat in the dinning room but that means we have to use table mats and be careful not to spill anything.  I’m the only one who likes dark meat. I usually have both legs and just grab the legs by the bone, dip them in gravy and eat them. There is no way in hell I would use a knife and fork unless the Queen joins us for dinner.

We always pass the dishes around and my mom wants me to eat the vegetables too. And we have pie! Afterwards we will feel fat, bloated and tired and we will have leftovers for a week. And my mom will say she was on a calorie binge and must lose weight by using the treadmill.

So I went to the Brigden Fair today and wow what nice weather. Normally it rains all weekend and it’s all muddy. The food was great. I was bargaining with the fudge guy and made a deal, I’ll buy a chunk of vanilla for three dollars top. Kaching! I also got a caramel apple that I haven’t had for years. But it hurt my teeth.

They have these halls full of vendors and exhibitions. A lot of it was junk, like overpriced necklaces or toy cars. Stuff you can buy at the dollar store for cheaper. There were Mormons that I totally ignored them.  A fair is neither the time nor place to push their crazy religions and recruit crazy people.

I’m sure the farmers went gaga with all of these farm competitions like biggest turnips. Do they give their pumpkins steroids? Honestly it would take a saw to carve it, a heavy duty vacuum to suck the all the crap and a torch to light it. The had animals too, but I wasn’t impressed at all. All they do is shit all over the place and I’m playing hopscotch to avoid it.

So I’m walking down the strip and carnies keep yelling at me to play their damn game. I asked one guy why I would want a crappy stuffed animal. He replied that I could give it to my girl friend. Ouch, I was burned. But I’m sure being a carnie is not the best quality a woman looks for in a man. Do carnies go on phone dates? So I’m a carnie, I travel all over the place and I spend all day behind a both and haggle people. The best part is I can get any stuffed animal you want. Do you like stuffed animals? She hangs up. Hello?  

What the fuck would I do with a giant stuffed animal anyway? It would only take up space in our cellar. And we already have a shit load of stuff anyway. So I played the hammer game where you try to hit the spot as hard as you can. I hit the top and got 113! So I spent about five minutes deciding which prize I want and went for this huge blow up sword. Then I changed my mind and went for the Star Wars rifle. I did the basket ball game only because I let the carny got to me. I never really wanted any of the prizes; I just wanted to see if I could pull it off. I scored all three shots and he gave me a snake. I asked for the monkey instead.

They had rides except for the only one I like, the Zipper. The Zipper is where you sit in a cage and the whole thing moves around and you swing upside down and stuff. There was the pirate ship ride and all of the girls were screaming like they saw nude pictures of Rosy Odonnell. There was the ball drop that was pretty much nothing compared to the Drop Zone in Cedar Point or Canada’s Wonderland.

The spaceship ride that spins around and you are stuck to the wall wasn’t there either. Probably because too many people puked in it and the puke flies all over the damn ride. I almost did in Boblo Island and was trying to hold it in. Then I got outside and puked in a garbage can and swore never to ride it again. And they had the haunted house which is more like the haunted trailer. Once again the kids were screaming like crazy. What do you expect anyway? Ahhh there is a guy wearing a wolf mask and he’s going to kill us! Ahhh!