Trekkies: Part One

I know I already wrote a blog for Stix but here’s another one for you buddy. I have always been a huge Star Wars fan. What a perfect trilogy, I love every part of it. I never liked Star Trek though as a kid because there were no action or cool aliens. And while as kids we played GIJOEs or Rambo with real gun noises, Stickley played with his Star Trek figures that can’t bend their fucking arms and he used his phaser that looked like a garage door opener. And what’s up with the Klingon dictionary. I’m joking.

But as I got older I started to appreciate Star Trek and become somewhat of a fan. But not a trekkie. The original Star Trek seems kind of silly and outdated now. The opening line is: space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. The problem about the prime directive is how can you seek out new life and new civilizations without interfering them. And what if the planet needs their technology such as the cure for cancer or aids. They would be helping a lot of people. What’s the worse that could happen?

Everyone loves Spock, and then Captain James T. Kirk. I would love to use the Vulcan death grip or what I call the sleeper hold. And the mind melt would be pretty cool but weird in a way. Sometimes you don’t want to know what people are thinking. Greg I’m reading your mind and you want combo number one at Mc Donald’s. And you want to… Oh you have a sick mind!

Captain Kirk was cool but he was all over the place. I think he fucked a lot of alien women and have a slew of illegitimate interspecies children and some space STDs. He doesn’t pay any child support to any of these blue or alien women he had affairs with. It’s funny I remember seeing Shatner in an old Twilight Zone episode. Now William Shatner has sunk so low he’s doing stupid commercials like for Goodman Acker Law Offices. What does Star Trek have to do with law firms? I don’t know.

One classic episode had Kirk and Spock fight to the death with some awesome music. I believe Spock said something like it’s logical to fight each other. However the crew needs Captain Kirk more than Spock so it would be logical for Spock to sacrifice himself.

Bones was the doctor but I don’t know if the crew gets free health care coverage. Sulu was the helm of the ship. I love him he’s funny. There was the Russian Jackoff, I mean Chekov. And there is Scotty the Scotsman the engineer that keeps complaining that I’m giving it all I got sir. He’s fat.

I think Uhura is the only black person in the whole damn galaxy. I think the creators decided to kill two birds with one stone. We should have a woman and she would be black. This would be good in the show for diversity. She can be umm a secretary. What does a secretary do on a space ship? Kirk the phones for you, it’s that blue chick you had sex with. You want me to put her on hold? Um Kirk is disposed at the moment, I’ll take a message. Kirk your mom is on line two and she’s pissed.

The first Star Trek movie was called Star Trek the Motion Picture. Awesome name! I forget what happens but there is some massive destructive energy cloud heading to Earth. What a bad first movie. It shows the ship departing that takes like ten minutes.

The Wrath of Khan is my favorite Star Trek movie and easily one of the best science fiction movies of all time. One classic television episode introduced Khan and his crew as these genetically enhanced people, much like Captain America. So they were evil and banished to some remote planet. Chekov and some random black guy receive some signal and decide to investigate it. And they accidentally come upon Khan and his crew.  Once again the black guy gets killed right away. That was pretty much the only reason he came along.

So Kahn and his crew hijack a space ship, stuff happens and Kirk and Khan face off. The pivotal scene was when Spock sacrificed himself to save the crew with his classic line: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And at one point Kirk yells Khan! Khan! Kkhhhaann!

The search for Spock is sort of a continuation about the death of Spock.  Kirk is retired and too old for this shit, but Bones changes his mind. Apparently Spock transferred his spirit to Bones before he died and they must find his body on the remote planet Sega Genesis. So the captain violates regulations and steals the Ship and heads to Genesis. Once again Kirk sees one of his many lovers and their love child David, who dies. And the Klingons are assholes.

Then they made the Voyage Home. It’s supposed to be funny if anything. Now this is the most ludicrous plot ever. Apparently some alien is trying to communicate with the extinct humpback whale. Yes a whale. Somehow this probe is going to kill Earth if the whale can’t respond. So the crew, who are getting older now, must go back in time in order to save the whales. Did Green Peace write this movie? So yes they must go back to Earth in the mid eighties. All of this happens just to make a silly movie for the crew to come to Earth in present day and all of the funny things that would happen.

The Final Frontier is the fifth Star Trek movie. I haven’t seen it for forever and I don’t remember what happens. I even read other peoples take on this movie and I was still lost. Apparently Spock has a half brother that is searching for this god and he takes some ambassadors hostage and steals the Enterprise or something. And Klingons are pissed off. Again.

The Undiscovered Country is another great Star Trek movie. The Klingons’ home planet is endangered and the Klingons join the Federation. Something goes wrong and Kirk and Spock are blamed for the death of some high Klingon. They are banished to some remote cold planet, much like Hoth. But don’t worry, they make a daring escape and stuff happens.

Then they made Generations. Hmm. This is like some cheap cartoon crossover such as the Flintstones meets the Jetsons. So characters from both the original Star Trek and The Next Generation meet paths. There is this magical place called the Nexus, kind of like a heaven and this dude wants in. However this means he puts a whole world in jeopardy. So stuff happens and Pichard needs help from Kirk who is in this Nexus. Which pisses me off. Real or not real I would want to stay forever. Kirk sacrifices himself and kills the evil guy. And Kirk dies and is buried under a pile of rocks. Why did he have to die? Just to save a whole planet? That pretty puts an end to the original Star Trek movies. And leads the way to many conventions for sad sad Trekkies.