The Grocery List

So I went grocery shopping at No Frills yesterday with my mom. She never leaves without the list like a crack head never leaves without his pipe. The list. It’s like the Arc of the Covenant for my mom. Then she asks to remind her to get cheese because she forgot to put it on the list. As if I could remember something.  All I can remember is that I was supposed to remember something. But what was it; oh I need some more Corn Pops. Whew, because I need to have my Corn Pops. I don’t want to wake up and realize all I have is Life. That isn’t a good thing to start your day. My mom loves to get a deal, which isn’t a good. She will get Corny Puffs to save 50 cents when she can easily afford the real Corn Pops.

I use to love riding the shopping cart when I was smaller. And later on I would steer it even though I got into people’s way. And my mom would always tell me to watch the purse because those purse snatchers are everywhere and as soon as you look away they strike and rob you and disappear in a mysterious flash.

I would always ask my mom if I can get this. Mom, please I want candy. Or please mom I want this Stretch Armstrong. Or please I want this Turbo Graphic 16. I use to wonder around and get lost and my mom can’t find me either. One time I had the clerk use the intercom to find my mom. Mary Ellen Merchant your son Greg is lost. Now we have the designated spot if we lose each other. I also hate when people leave their carts in the middle of the parking lot. Good thing at No Frills is that if you return your cart you get a whole quarter back.

I really hate when people go to the express line when they should be at the non express line. Some people will have fourteen items or Grandma uses every coupon there is and take forever to load her fourteen items. But I love old people. I try to help my mom but I think I get into the way. No Greg, bleach doesn’t go with the fruit. And no skittles; we can’t afford them.

When I went to Western and finally lived on my own I would hit Price Choppers without any list and I often went stoned. Bad idea. I would have the munchies like crazy and buy all of this random and impulsive junk and candy that I don’t need like gummy worms or a forty pack Pop Tars or whip cream. My roommate suggested doing whippets and they were sweet. I think it has the same chemicals as in laughing gas. And then once I almost left without paying. I almost did this at a bar and Dollarama too. Twice.

I usually wait until the microwave dinners are on sale and then stock up until the freezer is full. I mean who buys anything that isn’t on sale. Without the dinners the only vegetables I have are the lettuce from a Big Mac. Hmm, Big Mac, if I had my own car I’d go right now. Damn you McDonalds and your delicious Big Macs. Damn you to Hell!