Backseat Driver

My brother just purchased a new car yesterday. By new I mean his first car. It’s a 2007 Safari jeep and petty sweet. He is so happy with this new bound freedom. I hope to drive it sometime. Now me and my dad don’t have to give him rides all over town.

I don’t know much about cars. I can’t tell the difference between a cylinder or a guzzle. The thing is that I should learn the autonomy of the car, or at least know where the high beams are. I also should learn how to cook.

Right now I’m using my mom’s Ford Focus. What an improvement over her old car. The cool thing is that they give you free satellite for six months. You see if they only give it to you for a month you would cancel it and forget all about it. When you have it for longer you get used to it and can’t go without it. I know my mom has to listen to her Christian Soft Rock.

My dad won’t let me drive his brand new SUV. And he never ever, ever would let me drive his Jaguar. Right now its in the garage and he hardly drives it. And I definitely would not take it out for a spin. Imagine I crashed it; he would disown me. I think I’d need 300 years of Working at McDonalds to pay it off. I could be dying and he would say you should have called a cab or ambulance. But dad I was loosing blood like crazy and couldn’t wait.

As a kid I use to get car sick. One time I took some gravel and it didn’t work, so I took some more. I ended up taking five and I didn’t realize that it was the gravel making me so sick. It was the worst feeling ever.

Most people get their licenses as soon as they turn 16. I waited until I was 17. Why I don’t know, I just didn’t get around to it.  The first time I actually drove a car was in the parking lot and I was pretty much idling for twenty minutes. And my first ride down a main road was scary as hell, especially at the lights. I found driving on the highway much easier. Now I hear the statistics that you would have far more of a chance getting in an accident in town than away. I want to know where they get these numbers because on average we simply drive in town way more often than leaving town.

I got driving lessons a couple of times and I think the instructor was very nervous. I even heard that he or someone else almost got killed and would never give lessons to this shitty driver challenged again  One time I thought I was going 50 km but I was actually going 50 miles. Whoops. So I passed the written test; it was easy when the instructor pretty much gave us the answers. I mean who knows the signal a bicycler uses to turn right or left.

The driven test was a bit difficult especially when he says to turn left on the busiest road. I took my time and waited about two minutes. Years later I fail my finally G license twice. I thought I was looking in the mirror and everything but I made a series of mistakes. One thing I never learned was how to parallel park. It’s just like Austin Powers for me when he is stuck in the hallway and can’t turn around. I had to actually ask a friend to pull my car out the parking lot for me once.

I should be dead by now. There are so many close calls. One time I went in reverse to make way for people crossing and I left it in reverse and when I hit the pedal and I almost hit the car behind me. Another time I got out the car and headed inside the variety store and the clerk hells my car is still moving and I pulled a Dukes of Hazard. And finally I almost hit a truck coming off the on ramp. Holy shit!

I actually got hit by a car from behind. I was following fairly close and quickly and so the guy ahead of me puts his signal on. I assumed he was turning at the up coming road but made a quick turn into the cemetery and I slam on the breaks and the girl behind me hits my bumper. Luckily she just paid us for damages and we didn’t get the insurance involved. And I was douche and scraped some guy’s car getting out and just drove away.

And finally one of the most horrible things I did was drink and drive. It’s stupid. Call a cab or something because you could or worse yet someone else could get injured or die.

But what I think is way more horrible is people texting. Do they realize how dangerous that is? Can’t you wait until you’re out of your vehicle? Same goes for women putting on their makeup. It’s these road ragers who honk if you take ten seconds to go on a green light. How important is your time if you can’t wait a minute. Some people are always in a rush to go home to do nothing or watch Wheel of Fortune

I can be a back seat driver; especially with my dad. He’s heavy on the pedal and follows really close to the next vehicle. I guess it’s that I don’t have control over the breaks. I’ll be watch out dad and he’ll tell me to let him drive and that he has never been in an accident before. He says to look out the window.

I have some pet peeves with driving. Don’t you hate it when you’re behind a bus and you can’t pass it? I also hate when bicyclers are on the busy roads and can’t just use the side walk. And then there are pedestrians that have to cross the street right now instead of walking a few meters away at the intersection. I also hate when you let someone in and they don’t give you the courteous wave.

I remember getting kids breaking into my car twice now. One time I was playing hockey and left the car unlocked for about two hours and in that short period kids stole my movies I rented. What bad luck. Another time I was getting out and my hands were full. Well I forgot that I left my wallet on the seat when I got drive through. And it just so happens that kids came by that night and stole it. I had to get all of my cards all again. I mean take the money but not the wallet fucking punks. Bastards! You can’t be that evil and inconsiderate. I would love to meet them. You took my wallet, now suffer the consequences; I have your pickpocket hand changed to the wall and you must saw it off or this time bomb will explode. You have ten minutes. Or you can just be my servant for a year, your choice.