Bad Commercials

I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight, chicken tonight, chicken tonight…

I realize I’m a little late on the Super Bowl, but wow what an exciting game! It could have gone either way with that last Hail Mary. He should have caught it and now he is the most hated player on the team. Too bad we Canadians don’t get the funny commercials. We got mutual fund commercials or a preview of the new Snow Dog movie.

If you had the money what commercial would you play for the Super Bowl? I’d dress up as Jesus and demand money to be sent to my address in order to save your internal soul. A good investment indeed.

Do commercials work on you? Every time I watch one I feel like I have to go out to get it.  I could really use a vacuum that sucks up screws or do I need Lifeline in case I fall. I do enjoy funny commercials until they repeat them a million times..

Food commercials are the worst. It’s late at night and I see a Pizza Hut commercial. As soon as I see that greasy cheesy savory goodness I’m salivating. But alas it’s too late to order one and all I can eat is a pizza pocket. I have been meaning to try to use a hammer and make it explode because I don’t know what would happen. I bet it would just be a mess.

So I’m stoned and watching Family Guy and having a gay old time. Then the tampon commercials come on and ruins it. It’s the sickest shit ever. I’m trying to eat my fries with ketchup and I don’t want to hear anything about wings and blue dye. I realize it’s a huge market but I think women can figure it out without the ads. I mean do chicks really go to the tampon store and think “hmm is Playtex right for me? It sounds fun.. I’ll try out this month and be a bitch for a couple of days.”

Funny story me and my mom were at the dollar store and I say something like this looks like a good deal on diapers and my mom says those aren’t diapers. I would not trust tampons from a dollar store.

There are always milk commercials despite the fact everyone is aware of milk. Nobody is going to see a stupid milk ad and think “hey I have been meaning try this beverage “milk.” I will buy a small carton at the market. Plus I won’t have to eat my Cheerios with water anymore.”

I remember the old milk commercials that “milk does the body good.” Or they will show the effects of what drinking milk does on growth. They show some wimp that becomes a real man all because of milk. I don’t think they did any studies. I mean I have been eating bowl after bowl cereal ever since I was a toddler but I still have the skinniest bones.

Where is the beef? Haha where’s the beef indeed. Way back in the 80s some grandma asks what we have all been thinking “where’s the beef?” This was of course is a classic Wendy’s commercial. I agree that their burger patties are bigger and they actually cook them instead of putting them under a heat lamp. And I love frostys.

I assume that Wendy was the late Dave Thomas’ daughter because nobody likes dorky girls with red hair and freckles. But that’s just my opinion. And I will have it my way! I never liked McDonald’s commercials or the gay clown. I did enjoy the Hamburglar.

SEGA!! I remember way back when Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were competing for us kids. We ended up buying the Genesis because my brother liked the Sega commercials. Big mistake! The Super NES was superior in so many ways. They had a better controller with more buttons and exclusive games that are only for Nintendo such as Mario Kart, Final Fantasy or Zelda. We got Sonic, hmm, I guess he’s fast. SEGA!!

Before I started drinking beer I was a soda drinker; big time. Pepsi and Coke have been long time rivals and mortal enemies. I love Pepsi and the entire Pepsi brand flavors over Coke and coke products. I easily passed the Pepsi Challenge.

Pepsi have always had the funny commercials like the ones with Chris Farley’s brother or the ones where two truckers trade pop and the Coke guy wants to keep the Pepsi. Coke had polar bears. Fun fact Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine. Apparently the creator was looking for something to fight his heroine addiction.

Just Do It! Everyone knows that Nike uses sweatshop workers but I still buy their shoes because I like the quality of them. I don’t know the full story but it’s not like they are forcing people to work there. It’s just Nike spends millions in advertising on athletes like Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods that they could easily use to give workers better wages and working conditions.

Beer commercials can’t actually show people drinking. Instead everyone is having an awesome time just holding on to them. And so do me and my friends because it’s cheaper this way. “Hey guys are you wasted or what?” “Look buddy you have been holding on to too many beers all night. Give me the keys and I’ll pay for a cab.”

And I have already written an older blog about Charmin toilet paper and the stupid bears that wipe their butts with it, so check it out. I ask the question that if the parent bears buy Charmin than why does the little bear use the another brand? “Mom you already had Charmin than why the fuck didn’t you tell me! I got all of this shit stuck to my ass because the competing toilet paper sucks balls!”