Fairy Tales

Goldilocks

So there is a family of talking bears that live in a cottage in the woods. There is papa bear, mother bear and the cub.  So mama bear made some porridge but it was too hot and they decide to go for a walk while it cools down. Too bad mama bear’s porridge is already too cold and will get even colder. What I don’t get is if you are making  a big pot of porridge than why would they be different temperatures?

So Goldilocks decides to go for a walk in the woods and to pick some magic mushrooms. She shouldn’t be in the woods alone because of all of the talking bear sightings. So she finds a cottage and looks inside and decides to break into it while they are gone. She sees someone else’s porridge and thinks fuck it they’re gone and I’m going to eat it. As you know baby bear’s porridge is just right.

Then she’s decides to sit on their lazy boy chairs. One is too hot and one is too soft. I never heard of a chair being too soft. That makes zero sense. So she goes with baby’s chair because it’s just right. And then it breaks on her, but she doesn’t give a shit.

Then she’s tired and decides to sleep in someone else’s bed. Once again mama’s bed is too soft. I wonder why the parents don’t sleep in the same bed and why the little bear sleeps in the same room.

The bears come home and see that their cottage is broken into. Mama bear gets pissed off with papa bear. “Look honey I told you to lock it.” “Get off my case bitch.” So they see that someone has eaten the porridge and broke the cub’s chair. And there they find Goldilocks having a nice nap and she runs away all the way to home. And papa decides to get Alarm Force security.

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is a girl that is going to deliver wine and Betty Crocker to her ill and weak grandma. I think they should put her in a nursery home instead of leaving her to die in the woods.

So the big bad wolf comes around and asks where she is heading. I would be a little scared of a talking wolf but whatever. She tells him that she’s going her Grandma’s place. The wolf could have easily just ate her there but whatever.

So the wolf pretends to be the girl and gets into Grandma’s home. Old people of course are senile and gullible idiots. She couldn’t tell the difference from a wolf to her own granddaughter. And the wolf eats the geezer whole. Has the wolf ever heard of chewing his food; he could have easily choked on her.

What I don’t get is does the wolf undress the granny before he eats her? I guess he takes off her clothes, puts them on and then eats an old naked lady. I think the wolf is a bit of a cross dresser too.

So the little girl meets up with what she believes to be her grandma. But she is a fucking dumbass. She asks why does her grandma have ears and the wolf says to better hear you with. I would hope to believe that she would notice that grandma has fur on her face and body. Unless granny doesn’t shave. So this goes on for a while and finally the wolf just eats her whole.

Some hunter just so happens to finds the wolf sleeping and cuts his stomach open and frees the girl and the naked grandma. Any realism just went flying out the window. How did the hunter know? And how do the ladies survive being in a god damn stomach?

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel are two German siblings that get kicked out of the house because their mom is a total harpy. The father should have just kicked the bitch out.

Hansel and Gretel get lost in the woods. They try to leave trail breadcrumbs but they’re stupid and the birds ate them. They arrive at this magical candy cottage and just start eating it. They aren’t aware that the Blair Witch actually lives there.

How do you build a house made of candy? “So lady you want us to build a house made of candy. Can I ask why?” “Oh because I’m trying to lure kids and eat them” “Great. I will get you an estimate. I think the M&M tiles and the Kit Kat stairs will costs a bit.”

They find out that the witch is feeding them so they will be fat and plumb and make a great meal. Why in fairy tales do kids get eaten? It’s just a little scary. Is it suppose to be a lesson not to be naughty or what?

So Gretel is made to do some chores. She tells the hag that the oven isn’t working. The witch looks inside and wham Gretel kicks her into the over and locks it. Then she bakes her alive and they decide to eat more of the delicious house. What I don’t get is is the whole house made of candy? Would it melt in the summer? And you couldn’t have a candy oven could you? And am I’m asking way too many damn questions?

So they just so happen to find some treasure and make they’re way home. Their father the lumber jack tells them the bitch is dead. How convenient. And the kids show him the riches and he will never have to work again.

The End.