Two More Fairy Tales

The Three Little Pigs

We all know the story of the three little pigs and the hungry wolf. They left their parents to seek out the American dream. I have nothing wrong with living with my parents. Fuck I am a loser. The wolf is starving and naturally likes pigs. And so I so do I. I love bacon and sausage, but not so much ham or even Canadian bacon. The pigs should have just built one nice home and give the wolf brownies.

The laziest pig built a house made of straw, which I think is pretty good considering a pig has hoofs and not hands. Well the wolf asks the pig to step outside so he can eat him. I think the pig told him to fuck off. And then the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the straw house down. Which is an amazing feat when you really think about it.

The pig being such a pussy runs over to his brother’s house that is made of wood. The brother told his straw making pussy brother to fuck off and not bring the wolf over to his place. So the wolf kindly asks them to come out or he will kill them. And then the wolf blows down the wooden house. Who is this wolf?  Hurricane Katrina? Seriously that is an impressive feat to blow down a wooden home.

Then the two pigs run over to their brother’s home. I’m pretty sure wolves are faster than pigs and he could have easily caught them while they were running away. The last pig built a sturdy house of bricks and a hot tub. How exactly did make it I wonder? I mean did he get a contractor or did he do it all alone? And there is no such thing as brick doors or windows. The wolf could have easily just blow the door down like he blew the wooden home down or just smash the windows.

Then the clever wolf somehow gets a ladder so he can get on the roof and enter through the chimney. And the pigs start a fire in the fire place and the wolf burns to death.

The End.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack lives in his mother’s basement. Haha, loser! His dad died of a colonoscopy or something. They are so poor and their cow stopped giving milk so that Jack had to sell it at the market for bread. Haha poor people. Well genius traded it for beans. Yes beans. Um that couldn’t even be a mouthful. I’ve seen starving Africans have more to eat.

But these are magical beans. I got burned by this before when I traded my television for some magical Skittles. But seriously I have been screwed before when I bought a PSP at a flea market and thought it was a good deal.  He claimed his daughter only played for it a couple of hours. I should have known better when he told me that he lost the recharger and the battery was out of power. So I already spent $25 for the broken PSP and another $15 for the recharger. I didn’t work. And I just gave up because I have a million DS games anyway.

Jack comes home with the beans and his mother calls him a complete retard and sent him off to bed without supper, even though they didn’t have anything to eat in the first place.

My mom would have used the Spoon. It was a wooden spoon that she would slap me and my brother on the ass with if we were naughty. I rather have the Spoon than have my mom take the Nintendo from me. Haha the Spoon!

Then the mother tosses the beans out the window. The next day Jack is excited to find a giant bean stalk next to his room. So he climbs it up to the sky. Hmm. So he decides to climb it without any ropes or hooks. I would shit my pants going up only a hundred feet with death waiting below.

Jack makes his way to this wonderful place in the clouds that isn’t heaven. He decides to go to this giant castle where he meets the giant’s wife. You’d think sex would be just a little uncomfortable for her. She warns him about her husband the Giant and hides Jack in an empty kettle.

The giant returns and I quote”

"Fee, fi, fo, fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman;
Be he alive, or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread!"

What a great nose on him; he can actually smell what country Jack is from.

Jack decides to steal some bags of gold and climb down the bean stalk. Let’s think about this for one second. How could he possibly climb down holding onto two heavy bags of gold? Or did he just drop it down and hope he doesn’t kill anyone. And they’re rich and this should have been the happy end to the fairy tale.

But no Jack is one crazy fuck and decides to go back up the beanstalk again and steals a hen that lays golden eggs. Then End

But no Jack decides to climb up once again, again for whatever insane reason. This time the giant finally spots him and chaises Jack down the beanstalk. And Jack chops the beanstalk and the giant falls to his death. What is the moral of this story?

The End