Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Do you remember Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Or is it called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I love chocolate and wished I could go to the Chocolate Factory and win a lifetime supply of chocolate. Imagine all of the peanut M&Ms you could eat. Unless another chocolate factory makes them. I don’t know.

However some parts scared the shit out of me. Like at the beginning when they enter the hallway and the walls are closing in. Wonka is all nonchalant while the rest of the people are shitting in their pants. And Han Solo is all like “One thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner.” Haha. The boat ride was very scary and psychedelic too.

As you know Willy Wonka is this crazy hermit that owns one of the greatest candy factories in of all England. Apparently nobody has been inside for years, not even an inspector. I just hope the building is up to code.

You never really see where the Oompa Loompas make their chocolate. It is a factory after all and not some tour. My theory is that they are kids dressed up to look like Oompas and are actually sweet shop workers.

Charlie is some poor loser whose father is dead and he lives with his mom and both sets of his grandparents. His grandparents haven’t gotten out of their bed in years. Which is very gross considering that if they haven’t gotten out of bed then they must have pissed and shit in the same bed all day for years.

So Charlie gets a chocolate bar for his birthday. Haha just a chocolate bar. And bam he finds the last golden ticket. So he goes running home and I’m wondering why doesn’t anybody just steal it. So Charley picks his grandpa to come even though he hasn’t gone out of bed for years. Well grandpa springs out of bed and does this funny dance and is all set to go. I just hoped he had a long shower and some new clothes.

My favorite part is when they enter that magical candy land where you can eat what ever you want. Very psychedelic, I would go sample everything because I can never have enough candy.

Surprise, surprise the fat kid fucks up first. He could have anything he sees to eat except to drink the Nestlé Quick chocolate milk river. And he falls right into it and contaminates the whole damn river. Fun fact chocolate bars contain insect parts. So he almost fucking drowns in chocolaty goodness but he gets sucked up the tube and we assume the worst. Imagine the lawsuit.

Then there is the bubble gum girl. Back then bubble gum tasted like shit, I bet she would love Strident. My question is does she swallow or spit? Haha, I mean does she swallow the gum because who knows how long all of that gum lasts in your stomach. Or does shit just spit it on the ground. So she tries this magical gum that tastes like Denny’s and ends up turning into this giant grape thing. Imagine the lawsuit.

Charlie and grandpa venture off the tour and try some magical soda. Well this soda makes you float. Which is fun at first until they almost get chopped up by the fan above. Whose genius idea was it to leave floating power soda with a killer fan right above. Imagine the lawsuit.

Then there is the couch potato kid that loves his television. Too bad the movie was made in the early seventies when T.V. sucked. This was long before the Golden Girls remind you. So he steps on the teleporting thingy and gets shrunk. So yeah you fit in a television but you are the size of a fairy. Sure it would be cool to get drunk of a sip of beer and you can eat a giant Big Mac. But where are all of the girls pencil dick? Imagine the lawsuit.

I never liked the spoiled girl. Maybe instead of buying all of those damn chocolate bars she could have just bribed her way in with all of that cash. I’m sure Wonka give a fuck if she bought her way in. Well she wants everything she sees including a giant chocolate egg. And she falls into the bad egg vent and we assume she broke her neck and her father would hire a hitman to avenge his daughter’s death. Imagine the lawsuit.

Don’t worry because everyone turns out a-okay. But they all failed the tests of who will inherit the factory. I don’t remember everything but grandma loses it on Wonka and someone Charlie ends up passing the test. Then they fly around in some magical elevator and the movie falls apart.

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at, getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
I don't like the look of it

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do
Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it's repulsive, revolting and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long
The way that a cow does

Oompa loompa doompety da
Given good manners you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame
The mother and the father

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you're not spoiled then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get from a glut of TV
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three
Why don't you try simply reading a book
Or could you just not bear to look

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you're not greedy you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the - Oompa -
Oompa Loompa Doompety do