Easter

Easter Bunny

Lent has already arrived and I missed out on some Shrove Tuesday pancakes. I love when my mom makes me pancakes. I like them undercooked but cooked enough so I don’t get Salmonella. (Salmonella is the big word of the day).

In the movie Uncle Buck, I like when John Candy makes the Home Alone kid (I can’t spell his name) like fifty huge pancakes for his birthday. Most people couldn’t eat one but I have the bottomless pit of a stomach much like in the movie 300 and could do some serious damage.

I do wonder in the set what they did with the pancakes, if they were pancakes. I mean how do you even cook that much in one morning with an ordinary stove? “Well we might as well eat them then. John you could easily eat a third of them.” “Haha fuck you!” And how much Aunt Jemima syrup did they go through? I guess they had to get three kegs of it at Costco.

Speaking of which do you think Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben ever hooked up? Uncle Ben is a popular name. Both Spiderman’s uncle Ben and Luke Skywalker’s uncle Ben died because of them. I wonder how much Star Wars uncle Ben action figure is? And this blog has won the award of most random fucking ranting ever.

As you know my mom is a hardcore Christian. I think she gave up chocolate again for Lent. However I bet she will just eat chips or jujubes instead. I gave up skydiving, caviar, and vegetables. I’m not sure what Lent is and why are we giving up shit for so long?

My mom volunteers by helping out this old lady Maria. Mom drives her to church, the grocery store and sometimes to the Kiwki Mart to buy cigarettes. Maria is even more religious than my mom and gave up meat. But not for Lent, all year around just to please God.

Maria is very unhealthy and chains smokes. She’s bit of a hypochondriac and has gone to the doctors many times. Maria was spitting a little blood and the doctor hold her that’s because she broke a blood vessel from smoking. But no she had to have all of these tests done that must have cost a fortune.

That is a problem when people have free health care, they waste time and energy because someone had a bad cold or their leg fell asleep. I guarantee if we had to pay for health care like in the States people would go half the time to emerge.

So why doesn’t she give up smoking instead of giving up meat? She could have killed two birds with one stone. Despite what vegetarians may have you believe, is that people need some meat for protein. She is weak and frail but I guess she likes to smoke too much to give it up.

Good Friday is a good Friday to get drunk. I don’t know why when Jesus gets crucified we call it Good Friday. There’s nothing good about your savior getting tortured and nailed to a cross. They should call it Bad Friday.

What I don’t get is why doesn’t Jesus tell them to fuck off. I mean what worse can they do to him? They already whipped him and I rather be stabbed to death than carry a god damn cross only to get crucified to it. I would have loved it if Jesus uses his super powers such as laser eyes and just disintegrate any person that he hates.

So Jesus dies for our sins. Whats with all of these sins anyway? That’s all I hear from religious people. The last sins I made were when I laughed when an old lady fell in the bus or when I scrapped another car in the parking lot and drove away.

So we celebrate Easter because as you know Jesus rises from his dead body into heaven three days after Good Friday. I’m not sure who buried him or what they did with his body? Did they at least bury him in a casket and leave a tombstone. What I don’t get is why does it take three days for him to rise to heaven. Should have it been instantaneous,

as soon as he is died on the cross. It makes no sense because everyone else goes straight to Heaven. Or Hell for people like me.

So three chicks witness him rising to Heaven. But where is Heaven you might ask? Is it in the sky? Is he flying to Heaven? It couldn’t possibly be in the clouds or else we would eventually see it with airplanes and all. I mean I always picture, if I was religious, that Heaven is in some other dimension.  So now he finally meets pops and sits beside him at the throne and plays backgammon. My question is where is his body? I think like any Jedi it just disappears.

And all because of this we eat chocolate bunnies and chocolate eggs. I have a sweet tooth and love Cadbury eggs. I get them at the dollar store all of the time. And I like Kinder Surprise. Only not when you get a shitty surprise. And every year I asks for a solid white bunny and I get a hollow chocolate bunny. Bitch! Funny I remember spoiled kids get toys and present for Easter. Why?

I salute to whoever came up with the idea of an Easter bunny hiding chocolate eggs everywhere. I envy all of the only childs because it’s a frantic rush for you and your siblings to try to find as many eggs as possible. Some eggs I would find months later in really good spots like behind the television. Now I can just buy them.