Pokemon!

I am a pokemon master! I will take on any pokemon trainer, any pokemon, any time! Bitch. I even have a Mewtwo tattoo on my arm, a Ponyta on my back and a Gyarados along my leg. That’s how hardcore I am!

A long long time ago I was reading Nintendo Power and heard of this pokemon craze in Japan and I predicted it would be huge here in North America. I also predicted that in the near future tons of people would be hooked on prescription pills. It was originally called Pocket Monsters but there was already Pocket Monsters if you remember. I don’t know where my mom put mine because I’m sure they will be worth a lot.

You gotta catch them all! Catch them all indeed.  Half the fun is catching the pokemon. On my original red cartridge I had about 125 pokemon. I ended up evolving most of them near the end of the game. Then I accidentally saved over it.

They make a lot of money by only allowing one save file and that you need to trade with someone else to get all of the pokemon. So I bought Pokemon Red and Jason bought Pokemon Blue so we could trade pokemon. I don’t think he was as into it as me and we never really fought or traded. So I ended up buying a second game.

Almost my whole art class owned it and we would play it during class. We found out that some kid had played it for like 35 hours and was made fun of. I don’t know why it’s nerdy to like a game a lot?  You all play the same damn game; just some people like it more, take their time and try to catch every single pokemon.

I love the Safari Zone where I feed pokemon and then start chucking rocks at them. But I could never catch the damn Chansey because she is a scared little bitch. And I never bothered trying to buy Porygon. And there was the damn eevee that you could only catch once but there were three evolutionary choices. The thing is is what do you do when you catch all of the pokemon? Do you win a fabulous prize like a trip to Vegas or do you get a message “you have caught all 151 pokemon! Good for you.”

Charizard is the best choice for your starting pokemon. At first you use the Rat and Pigeon but they’re useless and you should just ditch them when you catch better pokemon. And for all of those that don’t know you can catch Pikachu right away in the forest. “Pika pika.” Yes Pikachu, pika pika. He’s so cute.

Near the end my lineup was Charizard, Gyarados, Hypno, Spearow and Alakazam. Alakazam! I love saying Alakazam; I say it each time I pull him out. Go Alakazam! He is my top pokemon and can do all of the fighting all by himself with confusion, teleport, recover and psychic. I use Meowth because he can make money and is the only pokemon that can talk. “That’s correct Greg, I use pay day to generate money.” I love using Hypno to make pokemon fall asleep and then to catch them while they sleep. I use Gyarados to swim and fight. And uh Spearow. Yes Spearow, only because it can fly.

Pikachu pika! At first I thought it was weird that pokemon only say their names but I guess it’s better than them just grunting and growling. Some of the names are clever and some are stupid. I didn’t even realize right away that Ekans and Arbok were spelled snake backwards. I think Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee are a reference to karate masters Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee. I like to spank the Mankey. And I love it getting jiggy with it with Jigglypuff.

You have got to love those pokeballs; they remind me of the Ghostbusters traps. Imagine in real life you could catch animals and carry them around in pokeballs. I would love to have a pet monkey to do my bidding. Or I could catch an elephant and carry it in my pocket until I need it. I would be cool to ride a tiger. And I could unleash a rhinoceros on my enemies. Rhino rhino!