The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Ozzy

I’m really low on ideas or things to make fun of for my blog page. But I can always make blogs about movies. So I was brain storming and I thought hey why not make a blog about the Wizard of Oz and how much I hated it.

I bought the VHS version and I can always do the whole listening to the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon while watching the Wizard of Oz without sound. It’s really trippy because the movie and CD are synchronized. Parts of the CD are describing what’s going on. As soon as Dorothy enters Munchkin Land the midgets start to sing and dance to the song Money. Or you can hear the Tin Min’s heart beat. It’s really cool; I believe you start the CD when the MGM lion roars a second time. Just make sure it doesn’t skip.

As you know its begins in a farm in Kansas where Dorothy lives with her aunt and uncle and three other farmers that you will see later on in the movie. And you see the bitch Miss Gulch who tries to steal Toto because the dog bit her or something. But Toto easily escaped the basket.

This whole movie would have been like fifteen minutes without all of the damn singing and dancing. They would get to the Wizard of Oz much quicker if they stopped singing and dancing every step. Where are the writers?  Dorothy sings the classic song Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I also sing this song in the shower but I can’t reach those high notes.

Dorothy tries to runaway and meets up with a shitty psychic. Afterwards she decides to return to home right into a fucking tornado. I would have just tried to stay as far away as possible from one. Her family is safe in the storm shelter while she is locked out. I’m not sure if they could hear her banging on the door or screaming for her life. So she is in her room when the tornado hits and she is knocked unconscious.

She wakes up and she’s like wow everything is in color now! She enters Munchkin Land and her house has landed right on top of the Witch of the East. What was the witch doing there in Midget land anyway? So the Witch of the South greets Dorothy and tells her that only evil witches are ugly. So the midgets do this elaborate song and dance to thank Dorothy. However this pissed off Wicked Witch of the West who is even more wicked than her sister. Great job Dorothy. And where is the Witch of the South in all of this?

The bright shiny pink shoes size fit Dorothy perfectly. I gave away my magical shoes because they were two sizes too small. I’m looking for maybe some size twelve Nike magic shoes but they cost too much. Dorothy then heads to the Wizard of Oz down the Yellow Brick road. I guess there is only really one road that leads the Oz. Unless you take the Red Brick road; it’s longer but more scenic.

She first meets the Scarecrow who is stuck against a post. He is made entirely out of straw and doesn’t feel pain. Apparently he is a retard looking for a brain. They dance and sing. Then they meet up with the Iron Man who is rusted and can’t move. They give him some oil and they all sing and dance again. Finally they come across the lion that is a big pussy. They dance and sing again and they all walk together to see the Wiz.

They are almost at the Emerald city and must cross a poppy field the witch magically planted. And Dorothy, the Lion and probably Toto get high and fall asleep. Too bad that Judy Garland became a real drug addict herself.

Finally they come to the city and are told they must prove themselves; they have to confront the witch. Well the flying monkeys capture Dorothy and Toto and the trio must save them. They actually pull off the whole beat up the guards and wear there uniforms to sneak in bit.

I guess the writers couldn’t come up with a plausible death to the witch. So Dorothy accidentally splatters water on the witch while she was trying to extinguish the scarecrow. And this is my big question; if water is so deadly and toxic to the witch than why would she leave a bucket of water in her castle? I mean if you know for whatever stupid reason water kills you wouldn’t just have one laying there for no apparent reason. I think it would be better if Toto pissed on the witch and she dies of that. What a world.

Finally they meet the Oz and he is a big fraud. He gives the lion some balls he badly needs. And maybe the lion should lose the ribbon. He gives the tin man a heart shaped clock when really tin men don’t have. I guess it’s a placebo. I have also have no heart or soul because I’m evil. And the Oz gives the scarecrow some useless diploma and the scarecrow spouts out some math equation of an isosceles triangle that is completely wrong.

And after this whole ordeal the Witch of the North tells Dorothy that all she needs to do is click her feet to go back to Kansas. Thanks a lot you bitch. So Dorothy wakes up and the whole time it was a dream. Fuck you writers. I never had such a long and vivid dream with midgets, flying monkeys and gay lions.

Too bad Kansas was hit hard and the area was completely decimated. The twister killed thousands of people and costs millions on damages. The End.