Home Alone

So I’m watched the Good Son, what an awesome thriller. Macaulay Culkin is awesome as the twisted kid. And it stars Frodo as the cousin. But I won’t ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it. It’s very old and I don’t think you can buy it or even download it. So it got me thinking of Home Alone and Uncle Buck. We already owned Uncle Buck and I bought a Home Alone VHS tape for a dollar.

As you know Macaulay Culkin is a child star that emancipated from his parents so he could have could keep all of his money. Too bad he has no future and probably spent all of his money; most likely on drugs. I think there is a similar fate for that Sixth Sense kid. I wonder where he is now. I bet everyone asks him if he sees ghosts.

Now I analyze the fuck out of movies and always question everything. But then there wouldn’t be many movies. For example, why doesn’t he just call the cops? This whole catastrophe could have been adverted. But he is a sick child that called the cops after the fact.

So his whole family flies to France without him. Who would go to France for Christmas? They don’t speak French and French people are total dicks. Except my aunt. So what would they do there? Obviously they couldn’t bring the gifts along so did they leave them at home or what? I much rather play Zelda Skyward Sword than drinking wine and eating cheese at some boutique.

I loved this movie as a kid but all realism went flying out the window. I’m sure this thing happens but why wouldn’t they call someone? I know this was way before cell phones. Speaking of which, my cousin is like ten and he has a cell phone and I don’t. And there are hardly any pay phones and they will soon cost a toonie. Anyway, call the neighbors, call the cops, call his friends, call anybody.

So the mother is like holy fuck we left Kevin and she is determined to get home but can’t find a way. Why is she so worried? Whats the worst thing that could happen? Uh beside robbers. Fun fact: I actually wanted to be a robber in kindergarten. There should be food around and I think he is old enough to survive alone. So not being able to fly home the mom hitches a ride with the funny John Candy.

Funny my uncle Peter and Aunt Dominique were over today. He’s a lawyer and she is a French flight attendant. I ask if she seen any celebrities or fat people too fat to fit in one chair. I got into a fun argument with Peter and ask why somebody should have to pay for two seats. Remember he is a lawyer and he says it’s their fault they are fat and we got into an argument about fat people and genetics.

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern are the unlucky burglars that stake out all of the rich people’s houses on the street. Kevin finds out about them but he doesn’t call the cops. He somehow managed to put up a million lights to scare them off. How come the lights weren’t already set up because they obviously have them and how could he set them up so fast. He also had these manikins setup that moved around to look like there are people at home. Weird.

For whatever reason he decides to buy a tooth brush. Good for him, you should take care of your teeth but what about the one he already has. And then he goes grocery shopping, only for him, when I’m sure there is still food lying around in the house. He buys laundry determent, again which should be in the house. But he has to use to wash his clothes even though he only has only worn two shirts and pants. Pay attention to what he wears.

Eventually the burglars find out he is alone and the kid finds out they are burglars. They are stupid and greedy and decide they just have to rob that house even though Kevin could inform the police once they are gone. They actually said they will steal rich stuff like TV’s and VCRs. Ha, VCRs, who would use one of them. I always wondered where robbers sell all of their goods they have stolen. Maybe a pawn shop, maybe a garage sale, I don’t know.

He decides to booby-trap the whole house for the burglars. What happened if his mom or family came home before the bad guys? “Kevin we are home! What the fuck. I just stepped on a fucking bear trap!” And how did he clean up the house and get rid of all of his deadly traps.

Again this kid is one sick fuck. So here are some of the traps that should have killed or maimed the robbers. He shoots a baby gun at Pesci in the junk and Stern in the face. Haha good fun. Then he freezes the steps and they slip like five times and should have broken their necks. What happens when this is all over? Does he have salt for the steps?

Retards finally find out the basement door is unlocked and I’m thinking why would Kevin leave it unlocked? Stern pulls a light switch that sends a fucking iron at his face. I’m no doctor but I think that would kill him. And he steps on tar and then on a nail. Ouch. They also slip on toy cars and step on sharp ornaments.

While Stern is in the basement Pesci grabs the door knob only to find out it is burning hot and he quickly puts his burned hand in the snow. What good fun. He opens another door and as soon as he enters his hair catches on fire from a flame thrower. Hmm. Where exactly did Kevin obtain a flamethrower? I’m pretty sure they are illegal. And now he has second degree burns on his head. And who could have forgot the paint cans to the forehead. Again that would cause massive trauma.

The robbers almost catch the kid until he grabs and throws his bother’s tarantula onto Pesci. And Stern does the whole don’t move I’m going to kill it with a crow bar. Great idea. Eventually the robbers catch the kid and I’m thinking finally kill the bastard. But it just so happens that scary old guy nails them with a shovel, which would really hurt. Macaulay bugged me; I would have loved if Pesci shot him in his heartless heart.

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