Church

It’s my mom’s birthday today! All I got her was a funny card I got from Dollarama. I kept asking what she wants but she doesn’t want anything. My brother on the other hand one upped me by getting her a Hallmark card, buying her a nice scarf and some body lotion. I was a little disappointed that we didn’t go out for dinner; I was hoping for Chinese.

So she asks if I want to come with her to church and I said yes and she said she almost fainted. That was my gift. Now you might ask “but Greg today is a Tuesday.” Well my mom goes like three times a week and pretty much everyday is some special event. So she is super excited that I came and she showed me off to all of her church friends.

My mom tells me the last time me and my brother went to church was for Mother’s day five years ago. And my dad never goes. I was pretty much forced to do or take confirmation but later after a long and heated argument I told her that I officially renounce my religion. And I broke a piece of her heart.

I remember church was so boring as a kid. It was the same routine every week. I swear to God I would hear the whole prodigal son parable every month. I never quite understand the moral of this story. So the one son blows all of his doe on partying and hookers and comes crawling back to dad. And dad says something like I have lost a son but he has returned. And the good son complains that he has been faithful and wants some to eat a goat with his friends

So me and my brother would go to church when my mom wasn’t going and ditch it. As soon as my dad or mom leaves we would head to the variety store and walk around the park. And then we would sneak back in before mass ended. And hopefully they would have timbits afterwards.

This is random but do you remember Solomon the wise? There is this story that two women were fighting over a baby and genius says something like well cut the baby in half and only the true mother would give the baby up. Hmm. I’m pretty sure both women would give up the baby instead of cutting it in half. What Solomon should have done is go on Jenny Jones and do a fraternity test.

The problem churches face is a lack of priest because nobody wants to be one. They should change it so priests can have a family, kind of like the Anglicans. So I find it funny that we had an East Indian with a heavy accent as the priest. Honestly I almost laughed. I was thinking he was going to tell us “thank you come again” at the end of the sermon. I guess like telemarketers East Indian people are desperate for work and think hey I could be a priest.

I swear all they did was pray for twenty minutes and read some useless bible passages. My mom got up and did a reading. And all throughout the mass I’m thinking this is some messed up cult. You hear everyone speak together in unison like they are brainwashed. So we go through all of the motions; standing up and kneeling and sitting down and kneeling. I never understood the whole eating Jesus thing. So the wine is Jesus’ blood? He must be an alcoholic. And then you eat Jesus crackers?

I’m an atheist but I have nothing against Christianity. However I think God rather you to enjoy life and marvel at everything he has created and help people. And not just keep worshipping him. Seriously God must get really bored of all this praising stuff.

Imagine you are a rock star and everywhere you go people tell you that you rock. It would eventually get really irritating. I mean God is God; He doesn’t need people reminding Him that He is all powerful.

I do admit that most of the people at church seem to be really happy people. But it really bothers me that two boys are at a church by themselves on a Tuesday. I understand Sunday but let them play and have fun.  It’s this is brainwashing crap that gets them while they are young. I see them bowing at the arc of the covenant, dipping their hand in holy water and in deep prayer. I turns them into geeks that think church is cool. Well it isn’t.