The Carnival

So the carnival is in town for a couple of days. And that means the carnies are here!

Why would anyone want to be a carnie? At what point in your life did you think hey I suck at everything else, why not be a loud annoying asshole for a living.

I wonder how the interview goes. “So why should I hire you?” “Well I like to travel and I live in a van.” “Can you be extremely obnoxious?” “Yes, very so. Ten-four!” “Great will put you at the frog pond. If you do well than we can move you up the shooting gallery. And maybe, just maybe, one day you can be me, the Leader of the Carnies. By the way the shooting and bowling games are theoretically impossible. Be very careful.”

Carnies are pros at pissing people off. I think they do training in Carnie 101 to learn all of the tricks of the trade. They must loud and they might egg you on or give you “deals.” They might ask you to win something for their girl friend. “She’s my mom.” “Well can you win something for your mom?” I wonder if they are on commission.

I don’t know why anyone wants any of the prizes unless you are a kid or beanie baby’s collector. I probably spent three dollars on a stupid small snake thingy that looked like a stuffed animal dildo. It’s very soft. My question is where the Hell they get all of these stuffed animal dildos. Costco? “Which aisle are the stuffed animal dildos?” “Aisle ten beside the inflatable girlfriends.” “It’s for my girlfriend.” “Sure.”

So I spent $20, which was a lot for me at the time, trying to win one of those giant stuffed animals. I might as well just buy the damn thing. The game was to throw a ball in this basket.  I was close and I think it was possible. I think you have to put back spin on it. But what the fuck would I do with a giant stuffed animal lion anyway? It would just take up space in the attic.

The hammer game is always good fun. I can actually hit the bell at the top and got over a hundred, which I thought was impossible. Now I wonder how hard Thor could hit it. He would probably completely smash the target thing and send the puck flying several miles. Me and my friend both won inflatable swords and were sword fighting each other. Haha good fun.

Every time I go, there is the shitty haunted house ride. Only it’s not really a haunted house, it’s more like a haunted trailer with a shitty train that goes in a loop. Why would anyone go on this and what do they expect? I never actually been on it but I don’t think skeletons, ghosts and a broken vampire is going to scare me. Now if they had naked pictures of Rosie O’Donnell, that would scare me. Ewww.

The rides look very sketchy. Imagine the ferris wheel breaks off and kills everyone on the midway. I don’t even know who makes them. Probably some German company. And I never figured out how they bring giant rides like the Zipper all over the place.

I love the Zipper. Its one of the few rides I look forward to. If you don’t know, you’re in a cage on this massive ride where you are flipping around and going upside down and shit. Good fun and you don’t get sick.

However there is the UFO ride where it spins around very fast and you’re stuck against the wall. I’ve been one in Boblo Island and almost puked. I was screaming to stop it and as soon as I got out I puked like crazy. Now imagine I did puke in the ride and everyone has vomit in their face. That would be hilarious.

Speaking of vomit, me and Stics went to the carnival a long, long time ago. We were on some stupid ride where you spin around and go up and down. Good fun until our chair made a huge dip and uh we look at each other and uh we both felt sick. We get off and Stics just pukes all over the place. Never again. Or next time I might try some gravel before I take on the shitty ride.