Full House

Do you ever notice that sitcoms have like eight people that all live in the same damn house?  That’s why they call Full House, Full House. They all live in Sans Francisco and people there don’t mind three men living in a house with three girls. I wouldn’t be surprised if the gay community loves the show.

So I hear Saget’s wife died in a car crash by a drunk driver. This is suppose be a funny show, how can I laugh with something so depressing. I mean do little Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen ever ask daddy about where mommy is. Does Saget ever have to explain that mommy got smoked by a drunk driver and died instantly?  And then he just loses it. “She was my soul mate! She was my soul mate.

The Full House is not even that big of a house. So Saget has to raise his three daughters: the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron and Stephanie with the help of his two adult friends Joey and Jesse. Right? Why not hire a nanny or baby sitter instead? I mean the Olsen girls are only like three years old and I don’t think Uncle Jesse is a good influence.

Saget works at morning show with Vicky. They were engaged but the bitch left him for an exciting job opportunity in Chicago. I don’t know why they just gave up on each other? I guess the writers decided to kill her off. He is bit of a neat freak, again hire a maid, you’re on a morning show, you can afford it.

Jesse is the cool guy and Saget’s brother in law. He hooks up with a girlfriend Becky and she moves into the Full House too for whatever insane reason. Hey the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. And even later Jesse haves his own kids. Twins, what are the odds?  “Jesse move out and find another home you mooch.” Jesse has his own band Jesse and the Rippers. Haha nice band. They never made it. In fact I heard they actually kicked him out.

Becky loves the cock. The problem is that its hard to get down and dirty with some many damn people living in a small house. I bet the kids could hear them, even with the music so loud. She ends up being the mother figure for the kids. I don’t think Saget could help the kids through boyfriends or puberty. “Well Stephanie, a period is …”

Joey is supposed to be the funny guy. I emphasize supposed to be. He has like no material except impersonating a beaver or some retarded character. He’s kind of annoying actually. I don’t remember his job unless you call shitty stand up to be one. Fun fact: in real life Saget does standup and is nothing like his characters on Full House and American’s Funniest Videos. He was even in Half Baked. “Have you ever sucked dick for weed?”

D.J. is the oldest daughter. I wonder how she got her name. I mean she never says I’m D.J. Tanner. People might think she is some music D.J. from a club. She used to be chubby but she later lost the pounds. Good for her. Her neighbor and best friend is Kimmy. She is a wild one, “whatever.” Nobody really likes her except D.J. They always get into a fight and then end up making up at the end. “D.J, I’m sorry, I fucked your boyfriend.” “That’s alright, you guys were drunk.” “Friends?” “BFF.” “How about a threesome?”

Stephanie is the middle child. I don’t remember anything funny about her. I wonder where she is now. “Hi, I’m Stephanie. I played Stephanie on Full House.” “Um, Full House?  Was that the shitty sitcom in the eighties about three gay men raising ugly children?” “Bingo.” “Who was Stephanie?” “She’s the one that is about to suck your balls.”

The Olson Twins just bugged me. They weren’t cute on Full House nor are the cute now. Everything about them just aggravates me, like when she says “you got it dude” or some shit.  The twins basically grew up in the show. That must have royally fucked them up being in the spotlight. I mean did they go to school or play with other kids? Imagine how competitive they would be. “I lost a pound.” “I lost three.” “Three? Bitch.”

Now they’re all grown up and worth millions from their stupid movies. But how long will that money last? They have probably have done a lot of drugs and their careers won’t last forever.  They might stoop so low as to team up with Jack Black in another terrible movie. Or maybe they might be in a Playboy centerfold when they are broke. I can imagine it, Olsen Twins are Older Now.

Funny, my buddy actually met them at his garage sale and they bought his picnic table. That would be cool, but I think I rather meet anyone else. I rather meet Fran Dresher from another stupid show. Hanhanhanhan.

I would love to have a look inside the house. Lets think here. I hope they have at least a basement, maybe a poker table. People would have to either share the television or you would need two or three televisions. There is now way D.J. is missing the New Kids On the Block so Joey can watch other comedians.

Of course they would need a kitchen, eating table, bathrooms, T.V. rooms and everyone’s bedroom. I mean when you have like six hungry people to feed you need one big ass table. I wonder how many bathrooms they have. That would get just a little hectic. “Dammit Joey, stop jerking off, we need the bathroom. I need to take a massive dump and Stephanie needs to do her makeup because she’s ugly.”

So where does everyone sleep? Let’s look at it, Saget would have the master bedroom, Jesse and Joey must have their own room and if I recall right the girls might share a room or two. Later on Jesse’s wife moves in and then they have twins. Again what is with the twins? I mean I hate in sitcoms where they keep adding characters. “Your aunt’s pool boy’s crazy roommate Derek is going to live with use now. Joey you got the futon now.