Toys

My older cousin actually collects toys. He’s like the forty year old virgin. He travels all over the place to get some limited edition glow in the dark Skeletor. I wonder what exactly he does with them.

Exosketch is so lame, why does it even exist at all? It so frustrating using two knobs and you can’t even keep it. Have the creators even heard of “drawing?” Its a fun thing to do because you can “draw” in color and your mom can put your “drawing” on the fridge next to a C in a math test.

I could never get a slinky to work. What happens if you live in a trailer and have no steps? They should have a warning “steps are not included.” It’s another toy that can entertain me for about 26 minutes. Now devil sticks or Jesus sticks that’s entertainment!

I liked Mr. Potato Head and his bitch Mrs. Potato Head. Is there Miss Potato Head by any chance. Or how about a baby potato head? I wonder when Mrs. Potato gave birth to Baby Potato Head if they said “honey he has your eyes.” “And he has your nose. Literally.” Haha I’m hilarious. I liked switching his features around to make Transgender Head. And how about Double Agent Head where you have to go undercover

Jack in the Box is another lame toy. The clown Jack freaked me out the first couple of times. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. They should have nicer things in boxes like Yoda in the Box. Every time I need Yoda’s guidance, I will have to awake him using the light saber handle for advice. “Jedi you not. Vader you must confront.” I wonder if in the near future, if there will be holo gram in the box and you press a button instead.

Operation is a funny game. I have the X-rated version. Sometimes you have to remove things out of the ass like wrenches or mice. Sometimes you have two bodies where one person donates their kidney to little Timmy who needs it in order to live. It’s for three players. There is the anesthesiologist, head surgeon and the nurse that hands him, or her, all of the tools. “Dammit we lost another one!”

I was never a big fan of talking toys. Teddy Ruxpin was kind of creepy. I mean you pull the string on your talking Batman, or whatever, and he says like six things. You pull Batman’s string and he might say “I’m Batman.” “Yes Alfred.” “I need your help Robin.” “I need your help Robin.” “I need your help Robin.”

Girls’ toys totally sucked balls. Literally. Take Barbie. She can’t bend her arms or legs and her figure is completely disproportional. I’ve heard that in real life she wouldn’t be able to stand up. And how many Barbie dolls you really need? Why don’t you just buy one or two and have them change clothes.

I understand you need Barbie’s friends to hang out with her. “Okay sluts, hop in my bright pink Cadillac. We’re going to Old Navy to do some shopping. And back at my pink mansion we are having daiquiris.” How can Barbie try on clothes if she can’t fucking bend her arms or legs? Imagine how frustrating that would be.

By now there is pretty much every kind of Barbie. Some of them are bulimic Barbie with toilet. You have scuba diving Barbie with flippers and oxygen tank. Iraq War Barbie with her own pink helicopter. Lesbian Barbie with real life dyke hair. Breast implants Barbie and lingerie Barbie when she is feeling naughty. Oh and then there is Ken. He hates trying on clothes with Barbie.