Chip’n Dale Rescue Rangers

Do you remember Chip’n Dale? I always get them mixed up with Chip and Dale strippers. I mean I’m horny and I’m looking up Chip and Dales and all I get is small animals solving crimes. But it brings me back to the Disney cartoon Chip’n Dale Rescue Rangers.

If you lived under a bolder or weren’t born yet you should know the cartoon. Chip is a chipmunk (nice name) and his chipmunk partner Dale, along with their friends, solve mysteries.

Here is the theme song:

Sometimes some crimes
Go slipping through the cracks
But these two
Gumshoes
Are picking up the slack
There's no case too big
No case too small
When you need help just call

Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale's
Rescue Rangers
Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale
When there's danger
No, No, it never fails
Once they're involved
Somehow whatever's wrong gets solved

Fresh prints
Not since Watson and Mr. Holmes
Have two minds
So fine
Looked under every stone
When you need some help to save the day
They're never far away

Grey skies - it's trouble
Bad guys see double
When they're around
The chips are never down

Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale's
Rescue Rangers
Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale
When there's danger
No, no, it never fails
They'll take the clues
And find the wheres and whys and whos

Grey skies - it's trouble
Bad guys see double
When they're around
The chips are never down

As you should know Chip and Dale are adorable talking chipmunk brothers with high pitch voices. Just don’t get confused with Alvin and the Chipmunks. The rangers could kick their ass. So they embark on crimes real cops wouldn’t bother with.

“Murdock, you’re needed on this case, it might get ugly.” “Fuck that, it’s my last day.” “We need you Murdock, someone has stolen some cheese.” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “It’s either up to you or the Rescue Rangers.” “Again, what the fuck are you talking about?” “They are squirrels that solve crimes.” “Right.” “Oh watch out, I’m going to swat an annoying green fly wearing a red shirt”

Here are the protagonist starting off with the leader Chip. He is obviously modeled after Indiana Jones. I mean he is wearing the same damn hat and jacket.  But no pants because that would be silly. He is the leader of the pack and gets down to business. He is the bad cop while Dale is the good cop.

Dale obviously looks just like Magnum P.I. I mean he’s wearing the same Hawaiian shirt. Good show by the way. He is the funny brother and you can tell the difference between the brothers when they are naked by his Rudolf nose. He loves to play video games and I wonder how he got a hold of a video controller small enough for him to use. And he loves his own Chip’n Dale game. Great fun.

Gadget is the mouse who makes, um gadgets. She says golly a lot instead of fuck or shit, but hey it’s a kid cartoon. The last invention, a robot, went into a fit of rage and ended up killing a family of baby rabbits.  She’s hot and has a tight ass. There is a love triangle between her, Chip and Dale. When Dale was drunk he got into a violent fight with Chip over her. Finally they said bros before hoes. Dale settled for a talking pigeon.

Monterey Jack is the Australian traveler that hooks up with the Chipmunks. He has a crippling addiction to cheese. They tried to get him off the cheese but nobody fucks with Monterey when he’s angry. I mean they tried to wean him off with cheese slices and suggest other food rodents like to eat such as seeds or carrots. Strung out, he decided to steal the cheese from a mouse trap. It didn’t kill him but he dislocated his shoulder.

And then there is Monterey’s friend Zipper, the household fly. He can’t talk and I wonder how he and Monterey became friends or even communicate to each other? “Buzz.” “What’s that you annoying fly?” “Buzz.” “You want to come along on my many adventures?” “Buzz” “Sure we need an insect to fly around, get into tiny spots and talk to other insects. What’s your name?” “Buzz” “I’ll call you Zipper.” I’d swat it because I hate flies.

The main villain is Fat Cat, imagine that. He used to be a pet cat to some boss of a criminal organization. I guess his name was Mittens but he renamed himself to sound tougher. My former name was Leslie but I changed it because it sounded too much like a girl’s name. It’s now Gorakatha.

Fat Cat hates the Rangers almost as much as he hates dogs. He likes the finer things in life that money can buy, like some pussy. Cat. He has some Henchmen such as a Lizard, Wart. Mepps is a smaller cat and Snout is a rat. And a mole named Mole. What is this Winnie the Pooh?

Then there is the mad scientist professor Norton Nimnul. This time he is an actual person that knows the Rangers. He’s always wants to enslave the world but his inventions always fuck up. Each time his invention fails he just gives up. Okay your hypnotizing gun didn’t work initially. But don’t give up, fix the problem and try it again.

Do other humans ever see the Rangers? You would think someone would notice eventually. That would freak me out. I mean you see talking chipmunks wearing clothes. You see a cute mouse with a tight ass that’s holding onto a wrench. And a huge mouse with mustache and a fly zipping around. Too bad I use raid and mouse traps in my crib. But gadget would make an awesome pet and can fix our plumbing.

Like all chipmunks they live in tree. I’m more spacious than it appears from outside. They tried feng sui to open up the living room but it didn’t leave enough space for the kitchen. Their symbol looks strikingly similar to the Grateful Dead symbol.  They fly around in some stupid blimp. I hope they use helium instead of hydrogen. You don’t want a Hindenburg. “Now to solve the crime of the kidney thief.”