Jurassic Park

I loved dinosaurs as a kid. So it is no surprise that I love Jurassic Park. I saw it twice in the theater and probably a dozen times at home. So I thought hey it’s been a while I’m going to watch it.  If you don’t already know, Jurassic Park is this futuristic theme park where they have living dinosaurs that they have created with sophisticated techniques.

I’m pretty sure everyone has seen the movie and I bet if they haven’t seen it they probably never will. But I recommend downloading the movie right now. The graphics still look very good even in this day of age.

Spoiler! The first scene is when they are loading a raptor from one cage into another cage for whatever reason. And for whatever stupid reason, instead of the door being automatic opened, the guy has to manually open it. They guy gets knocked into said cage and since he is black he’s the first to go. And the hunter guy is like “shoot her! Shoot her!”

Then there is an excavation where Dr. Grant and his lady friend Dr. Sattler are digging up dinosaurs. They are funded by the old dude John, the creator of Jurassic Park. John has already made real living dinosaurs and couldn’t give a shit about some bones. So it’s pretty mean to allow all of this excavation to go on and never tell them their digging days are over and were a waste of time and effort.

So the two paleontologist are invited to the park along with Jeff, the guy from the movie Fly. And the lawyer duce bag is going inspect the park for safety reasons. Jeff is the mathematician, I mean chaostician. I assume he is the comedic relief because I have no idea why they would bring him along.

So they arrive at the park in Costa Rica. I wonder if John needs permits or some shit because you would think somebody would eventually see it. “Sir what are you doing on this island?” “Well sir we have cloned dinosaurs and have a theme park we call Jurassic Park. Here are the papers.” “Haha. Good enough.”

The group meets John’s grandkids. There is Lex the annoying girl and hacker. And there is Tim who knows everything about dinosaurs. Initially Grant hates kids but eventually begins to warm up to them. So the group sees the brachiosaurus and almost shit their pants. And the lawyer says we are going to make a fortune.

Grant meets up with the hunter guy and they both fear raptors. They say all of this shit that raptors are so smart and can remember. So why would they keep them anyway? You can’t see them. You can’t just let them go off their own or give them to the humane society.

For whatever reason almost everyone who works at the park are leaving on a ship. I forget why, was there a storm or was it a holiday weekend? Why the fuck would everyone leave when something so important as professionals coming in to inspect the park? Are there any chefs, guards or janitors? Because they need someone to prepare the food. “Ah the park will be fine for a couple of days without any staff. All we need is Samuel L. Jackson, the hunter guy and the hacker New Man.”

So Newman is the hacker and is secretly working for another Dinosaur theme park. He has to steal the dino formula needed to clone dinosaurs. He shuts the electricity off and therefore the dinosaurs can just break the electric fences. I don’t know why. But he doesn’t have enough time and fucks up. He drives into some dinosaur pit and gets killed.

What I don’t get is didn’t they already test the ride? I mean they would have to run it several times before letting any visitors on it. You never go to Cedar Point and let some visitors to be the first to try out the new rollercoaster. They stop to check out a sick dinosaur and split up. They continue for a while and then the vehicles stop because of the electricity. Now what happens if there is a thunder storm or some shit? That wouldn’t be safe at all.

They just happen to at stop right at the Rex’s feeding area. Which is kind of gross when you think about. You never go to the zoo and see the lions eat wildebeests right in front of you. So here comes the Rex. I don’t understand how he sees through movement. How could he possibly find the goat? So Rex throws part of the goat onto the car and then breaks out.

Lawyer the asshole gets out of the car and into the restroom that just so happened to be there. Is this for emergency reasons? Does little Timmy shit his pants once he sees the Rex? The lawyer dies because nobody likes lawyers.

So Grant is with the kids and is bonding with them. They try to get back to the center. Meanwhile the rest need to restore the power. Well Jackson couldn’t possibly survive because he’s black and he gets killed by raptors who have escaped. Hunter guy is also outwitted and killed by the raptors.

Near the end the kids are on their own and are chased by the raptors. They hide in the kitchen and the raptors actually open the door. I guess they are smart. I mean try getting your dog to open the door. So the kids escape with the doctors and are cornered. Well they shouldn’t have been eaten. But with no way out, the Rex just so happened to break in and attack the raptors. How convenient.

Well the helicopter arrives and I’m thinking where the fuck were they? You would think someone would have a cell phone or something and bring in the National Guard to save them. They never really explain what happens next with all of the dinosaurs roaming around. But how awesome would that be if there was a Jurassic Park?