Care Bears

Care Bears: The Gayest Cartoon Ever

I used to love 80s cartoons when I was a kid. I would even watch homoerotic cartoons like Faggle Rock, Snorkels or Hercules. Hercules is lesser known low budget cartoon where Hercules uses his magical ring to fight enemies along with his sidekick Newton the centaur. Very gay.

However Care Bears was too gay for me. It’s almost so gay it’s good. Try watching it on Youtube. For those who never seen Care Bears, it’s a cartoon with cartoon bears. Each bear has some power which they have on their belly. They live up on the clouds in a city known as Care-a-Lot. Every name has something to do with caring, sharing or hearts.

In most cartoons the protagonists go on adventures, fight crime and help anyone in distress. Care Bears help anyone who needs caring. They actually have the “Caring Meter.” Seriously watch it. “Whats that on the Caring Meter? Did Kyle not share any fries with his little brother Timmy? Someone is in need of a lesson in caring.” Their arch nemesis is No Heart who wants to “destroy the Care Bears!” He wants to take away any caring or feelings.

Every bear has some power and names just like the seven Dwarves. There is even Grumpy Bear. I think his name should only be Grumpy, we already know that he’s a bear. So here are some of the more popular Care Bears.

Grumpy Bear should be called Buzzkill Bear. His symbol is a rain cloud, but I don’t know how he can use it. I mean why not go to Africa and make it rain for them. But you could have some fun with that. You can ruin kids’ birthday parties with rain or make it rain when there are chicks in white shirts walking around. But all he does is bitch and complain.

Of all the gay Care Bears, Cheer Bear is the gayest. She is pink and hers symbol is a rainbow. I guess she helps out with gay people in need of some caring. She’s in Care-a-Lot and sees some kids harassing a gay kid. “Hey you guys you’re not being very caring.” “Fuck you Dyke Bear!” “Hey you’re messing with the wrong bear!” “What are you going to do about it? Make a rainbow?”

I love Good Luck Bear. She’s Irish and loves to drink. Last time I heard she’s a mascot for Notre Dame. The players all rub her tummy for good luck. Too bad she’s not very caring when she is drunk. “Look Funshine Bear, if that’s your real name. I’ve been meaning to tell you off but I never had the nerve.” “Your drunk, just go and lay down.”

There is Love-a- Lot Bear. Her name is actually Love-a-Lot. I’m sure the writers had a fun time making up names. I think she’s a hoar for all of the other Care Bears. “Grumpy Bear, are you in need of a little caring?” “You dirty slut.” “I will Love-you-Lot.” She contracted several bear STDs.

Wish Bear makes wishes come true. If that was so my life would be a thousand times better. “Look you frigging bear, make me king of the world.” “It doesn’t work that way. That’s wishful thinking.” “Than what’s the point of your power?” “I wish you shut up.”

Brave Heart Lion isn’t even a bear. And don’t get him mixed up with the real Brave Heart; Mel Gibson. He came into the show later on as a Care Bear Cousin. I wonder how all of the new bears met. Is there a waiting line to get into Care-a-Lot? “Okay, name and power” “Janitor Bear. I have a mop on my stomach. I’m caring by cleaning up messes.” “Right.” .

No Heart is the main villain after World Domination. He is a sorcerer and can change into different forms. He loathes all caring and feelings. His minions are Sinister Shadows. His apprentice is Beastly who he sends out to do his biddings and stop the Care Bears. Beastly is some hog monkey creature.  He rides a pedalbike helicopter and always fucks up No Heart’s plans. He is actually kind of funny.

If I was a Care Bear I’d want to be Beer Bear. My symbol would be a keg and I would just sit around in Care-a-Lot drinking forties all day. I would never run out of beer because I can just make more on my own. “Come on Beer Bear, look at the Caring Meter, two drunken kids are fighting over a girl. This is your jurisdiction.” “I would but I can’t drink and drive in one of those gay cloud cars. Leave me alone.” “You’re not being very caring.” “I’m sorry.”