HE-MAN

He-Man is another classic 80s cartoon. I believe they made the cartoon to promote the action figures. That’s where the money is. I had a couple but idiot me sold them for a dollar each at my friends garage sale. Whoops.

My older cousin would have a heart attack if he knew of this. He is just like the 40 year old virgin. He is a grown man and has every action figure there is. He will drive hours searching for them and pay a fortune.

My question is what do collectors like him do with them? Do they play with them? Or do they put them on the mantle like some faberge egg and hope the value goes up. Sure they are worth something but who actually buys them. I guess even bigger dorks pay for them.

He-Man

Apparently He-Man is the most powerful man in the Universe. His alter ego is Adam, prince of Eternia. Whenever help is needed Adam turns into He-Man with his magic sword and says “by the powers of Grayskull. I have the power!”

He says this like twenty times during the cartoon and uses the same footage. Seriously one third of the episode is him in front of Gray Skull saying he has the power. And he can be anywhere but each time he transforms into He-Man he is at the castle and then is back where he was.

He-Man

His secret identity is worse than Superman. He-Man and Adam look the exact same except He-Man is wearing some suspenders with a Nazi logo and loses the pants for some tight shorts. Just a little homoerotic.

Seriously how can nobody see this? “King Randor, do you ever notice that He-Man looks exactly the same as your son? They are never in the same room at the same time...” “Ha-ha, you have quite the imagination. My son is He-Man, haha.”

His pet cat is Cringer and is such a pussy. But he transforms into a battle cat, without his permission. It’s almost like Cringer is the Hulk. The thing is though you never see them transform back into their normal form.

He-Man

I like how between each scene it says He-Man. Or whenever something exciting happens there is a commercial. It’s like He-Man pushes some rock creature over a cliff and you see it fall and there is a commercial. Then it shows him push the creature over a cliff again.

He-Man

He-Man is has his allies; the Masters of the Universe. Every guy has looks like they spend a lot of time at the gym. Even Skeletor is ripped. I bet he can bench 400 lbs. And all of the women have nice tight bodies.

There is Duncan, also known as Man-At-Arms. He is a cunning warrior and inventor. His weapon of choice is a club and has some ugly helmet. He has a kick ass 80s mustache but I never really liked him. He is the adopted father of Teela. She is some sorceress. She has a nice rack and some sexy get up.

I love Orko because he has a funny name and funny voice. He has magical powers but mostly fucks up. I like that he can levitate, but does he have feet? He wouldn’t be the most fun action figure.

He-Man

Skeletor is He-Mans arch villain. He even has a cat Panthor. If I had a cat I’d name it Panthor too because anything that ends with “or” kicks ass! He looks just like Ghostrider except his skull isn’t on fire and he has the magic finger to cast spells. Apparently his is from another dimension. I guess there are other skeleton people living there.

Skeletor has his evil minions that keep fucking up. There is Beastman who has control over beasts. There is Mer-Man who can summon swamp creatures. There is Tri-Klops who can see any direction. And there is the cyborg Trap Jaw who has one real arm and one interchangeable arm such as a hook or ray gun or a spatula hand.

He-Man

As I said earlier I used to have He-Man action figures, although I liked G.I.Joes more. The problem with He-Man figures is they can’t bend their elbows or knees.  (I think, I could be wrong). Their hands are clutched tight so you could put weapons in them. It kind of looks like He-Man was beating off and his hands froze from overuse.

 I remember having two different He-Mans. There was the original and then there was some sort of special one. Like karate chop He-Man. I had Skeletor and some dude with different faces. It kind of sucks when you lose the person’s sword or shield. Again my cousin told me all about weapons and how much more valuable the character is with them.

I had Ram Man; he looks a lot like Juggernaut. He can extend his legs so one minute looks like a dwarf and then he looks like a normal person. Fisto has one giant metal arm, kind of like Hellboy. I wonder how he types or opens a beer with a giant hand. Does he get mad and punch a hole through the brick wall?

He-Man

Today I made the comment that Ram Man can change from a dwarf into a normal person. Well midgets are people too. And midgets prefer being called little people. So whenever you see a little person, treat them like any person.

He-Man