Sesame Street

Molest Me Elmo

I never watched

Sesame Street

as a kid. One thing is that I don’t like learning. I already go to school and have learned enough. I don’t need some blood sucking vampire asking how many bats there are. I don’t know much but it started in the late sixties. They must have repeats because the vampire is fucking pissed off counting the same damn bats.

It’s a new world today and kids have video games and the internet and have no need for hippy puppets. Also I heard there goes the neighborhood. It has gone down hill now with pimps and drug dealers and the gang can’t afford to go to a nicer place. It’s now called

Crack Street

.  Oscar the Grouch doesn’t give a shit and deals out of his can.

Big Bird is the giant bird freak. Is it a chick, ha-ha, or a dude? I always wonder if the Bird ever laid eggs because they’d be huge. Those eggs will make one damn fine omelet. McDonalds has contacted Big Bird and they want his help to make the Mega Egg Mc Muffin.

Oscar the Grouch is that pissed off green freak that lives in a garbage can. I’d be little grumpy if I lived and shit in a damn garbage can too, having people throwing used condoms and dog crap down it. I always wonder if the garbage truck ever accidentally picked up his garbage can  and crushed him while he was inside the truck. Oh Oscar you fool.

I know kids everywhere will be pissed off with me but I find Elmo annoying as hell. I hate his voice and his stupid red naked body. I just want to punch his fucking eyeballs off. Honestly he has no fucking teeth and only three fingers.

I remember way back there was tickle me Elmo. It was a stuffed animal that makes laughing noises. So all it does is laugh when you touch him. Unless your kid is not a complete retard he or she would get suck of it in an afternoon. It’s just like cabbage patch kids; the parents want them more than the kid.

I’ll admit that I did have a favorite stuffed animal. It was one of those Popples that turn inside out into a ball. I had the soccer one, it was sweet. I also have this faggy pink popple. Back to Elmo. I wonder if you touch him in his special place he’d say Elmo doesn’t like you touching Elmo down there.

I saw a Family Guy episode already making fun of the Count von Count but here’s my take. Do you think he sucks blood from other children? He’s always counting bats, apples or guns and I don’t think the kids are learning dick all. You are about to write your SATs and get stuck on a math question. Okay, remember what the vampire said, if you have one vampire and every night the vampire makes another vampire, how many vampires will there be in a month?

Are Bert and Ernie brothers or lovers? Either way it’s pretty gay for two adults to sleep in the same bedroom. I think they move the beds together when they want to be intimate. Bert is the Freak who has a huge unibrow, huge nose and looks like a goddamn pineapple. Everyone likes his better looking partner Ernie

The Cookie Monster was my favorite puppet, always eating cookies. Ha ha. He never eats Oreos or peanut butter cookies. That would be a good advertisement having the Monster eating Mr. Christie Rainbow Cookies. I wonder how he swallows his cookies. It looks like he just crams them in his mouth and all of the cookies crumble on the floor. I think he is bulimic and haves these cookie binges. But eating too many cookies isn’t good for kids. How about for a new puppet the Veggies Monster? Not.

Snuffleupagus is the cute and friendly elephant who badly needs allergy medication. However there is a reason for his name. He likes snuffing the caine with his very long nose and was nicknamed Snuffleupagus. His real name is Ted. The first time he got the drugs for free off of Oscar but after that he became hooked. Kids around the world mourn for Snuffle when he gets killed by poachers.