Walt Disney: Cartoons

I was never really a big fan of Disney characters nor do I like the Disney Magic Kingdom. And Mickey just really bothers me.

Mickey is this giant black mouse that doesn’t look anything like a mouse. He’s got stupid circles that are supposed to look like ears. Mickey has this high pitch squeal voice and annoying laugh. Oh boy! Haha nice gloves too. I will lay giant mousetraps if he came anywhere close to my house. Now is Mickey’s last name Mouse or is every mouse called mouse? Because that might mean his girl friend Minnie are related.

Mickey has a pet dog which makes no sense at all. A mouse having a pet dog. Hmm. All of the rest of Disney characters can walk upright and talk. But not Pluto. I wonder if he can do any tricks. And Mickey how come he never wears a lease. Who knows what could happen, Pluto might get rabies and bite Tiny Tim.

Donald Duck is the gay sailor that doesn’t wear pants. I can’t understand a fucking word he is saying. They should definitely have him do hooked on phonics. He is such a spaz; every thing seems to piss him off. And I think he is a bit mentally challenged. However he does have a lady friend Daisy. I wonder why they call him Duck because I’m pretty sure everyone knows he’s a duck.

Donald is the uncle of the triplets Huey, Dewey, Louie. Their real father is Deadbeat Duck and their mom Druggy Duck. They left the triplets before they hatched. But good call on the names. It is bad enough they are called stupid names, like Dewey, but no, their names rhyme. The only way you can tell them apart is by what clothes they wear. I bet two of the triplets dislike the other one.

Scrooge McDuck is the rich uncle of the triplets and star of the awesome show Duck Tales. Is Scrooge brothers with Donald? He is of course Scottish. How did he accumulate his money? Scrooge keeps his riches in this giant vault and enjoys jumping into a pile of gold coins and swimming around. Umm, he should be dead. I tried jumping into a pile of pennies from the roof. Didn’t work. Years later he hung himself after losing everything to Enron.

What is Goofy? Is he a cross between a person and dog? Gorsh. Calling someone a goof is not a good idea in prison. Yahooo! The mog is always fucking up everything. Gorsh. If you remember there was a stupid show called Goof Troop. Once again not a nice name. So the goof is a single father that moves home to be with his son Max, who is totally fucking rad as you can see with his rad name and rad sunglasses. Where did Goofy’s wife go to anyway? I think Max was a mistake and she couldn’t take Goofy anymore. So like the mentally challenge retard I am Sam I don’t think the goof is capable of being a father. Gorsh. I don’t even think he’s capable to drive Max to soccer game without getting into a horrible accident and killing Tiny Tim. Gorsh!

My favorite Disney cartoon was the Christmas Carol. I haven’t seen it for ages but I loved it as a kid. I remember at first there was snowball fight between Donald and the triplets that just kept escalating. At one point the boys started a fire on their ice ship and shot a Donald’s ice ship with fire arrows that melted his ice ship. Hmm, I don’t know how their own ship didn’t melt? A good time that reminded me of my own childhood with the ole snowball fight. Too bad I throw like a chick.

The Christmas Coral starred Scrooge as Ebenezer umm, Ebenezer Scrooge. I guess that is his starring role. And Mickey is his underpaid worker who can’t afford shit. However he keeps his spirits high despite that fact he is dirt poor and his son Tiny Tim is a cripple that might die any minute because Scrooge doesn’t give Mickey any health coverage. I would like if Mickey tells Scrooge to fuck off I’m quitting! So Scrooge is visited by his dead partner and swindler Goofy who warns of the three ghosts. While Pinocchio is sleeping Jimmy Cricket, the ghost of Christmas Past, shows what he could be boning if he wasn’t so damn greedy and loses a nice piece of ass over money. The ghost of Christmas Present is the giant that shows Scrooge how fucking sad Mickey’s family is when all they have to eat are two chicken wings and some beans. And then the ghost of Christmas Future brings Scrooge into the cemetery and shows what will happen to Tiny Tim. And then he shoves Scrooge into his grave. But that wouldn’t be a good Christmas movie if it ends there now would it. My favorite part is when Scrooge is still alive and high as a kite and gives away money for the poor, welfare and lazy. And to top it off Scrooge barges into Mickey’s house and gives away presents and a butterball turkey. And Tiny Tim says God bless us every one of us. Or to some degree.