Garage Sale

Do you ever watch hoarders? That’s my house. We have so much shit that we don’t use or don’t need. We are running out places to keep all this of crap that has been just piling up. The junk has been growing like a vine from one room to the next. A real eye sore.

We say this every summer that we should have a huge garage sale. Sure you hardly make any money but at least it’s like the sang: one man’s junk is another man’s treasure. So some pirate is going to hull a bounty of riches.

So I hope I make people happy and just get rid of everything. Except for my Winnie Pooh stuffed animal, I will never let go of Poo. Or we could donate stuff to the Goodwill. But not Value Village because Goodwill’s profits go to the needy.

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First to go is the old treadmill. This thing is massive and doesn’t work because it’s manual. You actually move it yourself. So it doesn’t feel like running and it just stops when I step on it. Once again my mom is too cheap to buy a decent one only to save some toonies. And it ended up being such a waste of money. And now we already have a treadmill that actually works.

Then there is the ancient computer monitor. At the time it was first rate but this behemoth is so fucking bulky you can’t fit it on your desk. And we already have a flat screen monitor just laying there that we will never need either.

I have stacks of magazines such as Maxim, Stuff and FHM but I think I will just hang on to them. Who knows maybe they will be worth something some day. I will still read one if I’m bored. Too bad they don’t carry Maxim at the dentist office. However I don’t think I need my Nintendo Power magazines anymore. They have previews for the latest game like Star Fox and the vibrating thing. And they have hot tips on Banjo Kazooie.

My NES and all of my NES games have to go. I can already play them on my newer gaming consoles and they were just not as fun as they did back in old school. Aside from playing Basewars and Punch Out I’ll never use it again. I have nowhere to plug it and they hardly work anymore. Maybe I can sell it at this video games store and buy me a Big Mac. I will still keep the Power Glove, it’s so badass.

There is this ancient phone just laying there on the shelf that I persistently ask my mom to throw it away. You can’t give away this phone. I’m thinking of just taking it out and smashing it to pieces. Or I could use it for spare parts for my robot David 2300.

I was in my early twenties but since I couldn’t have a cat or dog I thought of getting a hamster I named Trip. I got him a huge cage with all the fixings a hamster needs to enjoy a hamster’s life. I got Trip dozen of tubes to go through. It sounded like a good idea at the time. However it’s a pain in the ass to clean them. I had to put Trip in a mini cage to clean his humble home.

So now I’m in my late twenties and I’m pretty sure I’m never going to buy anymore hamsters. So we have all of shit just sitting looking messy. Speaking of pets I also got a chameleon that ended up costing me over a $200 worth of lights and stuff. And it died on me a month later. So if anyone is up for the challenge I’ll offer some of my pet stuff for free.

I have nude pictures of Rosy Odonnell but I already got them stored on my external hard drive. I just find it easier to look at them in my computer and my mom won’t find my nude Rosy pics under my bed.

I love my trampoline but too bad I have nowhere to put it now with my dad’s garden. I did lend it to my brother and the neighbors loved it. They offered a $100 but I turned it down. I feel so bad now I should have let them keep it. Now it’s just there lying in the garage. Then my mom buys one of those mini trampolines. I have no idea why? I rather jump on my bed. Seriously it’s completely useless and you can’t use it inside without hitting the ceiling like your are fucking Super Mario.

I’ve tried to throw out one of our trashcans but the damn garbage truck won’t pick them up. (Editors Note: I actually copied this joke from Harland Williams stand up; very funny comedian.).

My mom has this drawer full of all of this random shit. We actually have like five calculators and also calculators on our computers. So my mom should get rid of some of them because I never use calculators anyway. Seriously what do I need a calculator for? My mom won’t be like hurry Greg what’s a million plus a million? And how many loafs of bread can I get with $25? The only reason I’d need one is to converting my PCP from ounces to pounds.

We have this broken piece of green shit massaging pad that goes on a chair. Again fucking useless and it’s missing the power cord if anyone wants a green piece of shit. And I already have a new one that kicks ass. It feels good, I recommend one.

We have a ping pong table that won’t fit in our basement anymore. But I love ping pong, very fun. Especially when you put money on the line. I was offered $30 and I asked for more and now it’s just sitting there in the garage waiting to be played by the future ping pong champion.

I have one piece of the mystical Triforce. But by itself it’s useless. So first come first serve. Who knows maybe you will find the remaining two pieces and save Hyrule from the clutches of the evil Gannon.

I have a million clothes. And millions of clothes I will never ever wear. Some of the clothes are pretty decent but too small like my Doc Martin boots or my wrestling shoes. Who knows maybe my wrestling magic still resides there waiting for a new wrestler to merge and become champion of the world. I also have roller blades that are just a little too small for my huge feet. But who rollerblades now anyway?

And my dad still has clothes from the seventies that only use would be if I must go back in time in the seventies on a secret government assignment and blend in with people of that time. And invent rollerblades.

I still have pogs but nobody will play with me. I’m like get out your pogs friend for a wicked night of pogs for keeps. I also have all of these games and such I will never play with because my friends are too busy with jobs and kids. I bought two original Xbox controller for five bucks. But I know they will never be used. My friends like drinking and not playing Halo all night.

The guitar was a complete waste of money. Money that could buy me weeks worth of Big Macs or to feed little Timmy. I thought that I’m on my reverse retirement and that I have all of the time in the world to get lessons. But my dream of becoming the next Bryan Adams failed. It just wasn’t meant to be.

And now we have boxes full of other boxes and I feel like Redd Foxx.