God Bless Us Everyone: Except George Bush
Christmas is fast approaching and I am excited! I did pretty much all of my shopping and I feel great! I really do love giving and receiving and just surprising people. And that’s what Christmas is really all about, it’s about presents. It’s good for the economy and fun for everyone including Christians and non Christians alike. That’s why people phrase it Happy Holidays now.
Ever since I was a child I was obsessed with Christmas and presents. Christmas was like crack for me because I never really did get toys the rest of the year except on my birthday. I would count down the days until Christmas around October. And I would shake any present under the tree. Alright this is definitely the right size for a Nintendo game. However my mom would buy lame things that I should have already have for free. Like socks.
Spoiler Alert!
I remember asking all of these questions about Santa. The problem is that parents have different takes on Santa. I clearly noticed that Santa was at both malls at the same time. My mom tells me that they are Santa’s helpers. Then I ask why are they dressed as Santa? And why other parents are are calling him Santa?
You see parents around the world need to get their stories straight. Seriously the United Nations should hold a meeting and figure out every last detail about Santa so we are all in the same page.
I desperately wanted the see Santa and asked I could sleep under the tree. And my mom told me that Santa won’t come unless you are sleeping in your bed. But these were all lies.
For one thing I noticed that there was a direct correlation on how rich your parents are and how many gifts you got. I mean why do spoiled kids get a Nintendo while the poor kids get a yoyo. Were they naughty? And why do people have donations for poor kids. Ha-ha because their parents can’t afford presents. Ha-ha. Because they are poor. Ha-ha.
I also wonder how old Santa was anyway. He is mortally obese from eating all of these damn stale cookies. I think people should give him a more healthy variety of snacks like a Fig Newton because he probably has diabetes. The whole Santa coming down the chimney is a slap to the face for kids that have no house or chimney. I guess Santa uses the front door. Of course you have to turn off Alarm Force and chain your dog or else Tiny Tim isn’t getting anything this year.
The most ludicrous lie is how does he deliver all of these toys all over the world in one night. Fuck flying reindeers, he needs an apache helicopter. People would be pretty pissed if Santa is late and they get their presents three days later. Santa would leave a note saying sorry but I’m giving you free toys so suck it.
I forget how old I was when I found out about Santa. I think I was 23. But I didn’t really care. I couldn’t give a shit if my parents bought me Basewars for Nintendo or it was Santa’s elf sweat shop that made me that kick ass game. And instead of saying made in China
I love Christmas lights and decorations especially the hardcore people who put them up in November and cost a shitload of electricity. I really do like the spot lights against the house. My mom has a few lights and reindeer and of course a Keep Christ in Christmas sign. So hey asshole you better remember that it’s Jesus’ birthday party or you could go to Hell! We also put up a fake tree because the real ones are a mess.
And she hates when people don’t have enough room or letters or are just dicks and end up putting Merry Xmas. Who are they the Xmen? We still have a tradition of driving around the city on Christmas Eve to see people’s lights. Another tradition is watching a Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I also find it funny when people are too lazy and leave them on all year.
Again I’m an atheists but I will probably end up going to church with my mom on Christmas. She appreciates it. I know she must feel lonely when nobody goes with her and people asks where your sons are. Too bad around Christmas people who are somewhat religious end up going and there aren’t enough pews for everyone. They end up standing at the back. That’s why my mo goes an hour early to get the best seats. I rather just get a scalper. He buddy, do you want front row tickets. I got front row pews. You can hear every thing and not worry about tall people. And you’re the first to drink Jesus’ blood and eat a Jesus cookie.
I should learn how to wrap one of these days because I’m horrible. I can’t cut straight and use rolls of this cheap tap my mom bought. But who gives a fuck really. And I used to buy my brother presents that I wanted for me. Not this year.
This year I’m happy with what presents I have bought. I Anyway I got my brother the following
Mario Soccer (Kick Ass)
Nirvana shirt
Guns and Roses shirt
Quicksilver shirt
Trailer Park Boys Season One and Two
Married with Children Season One
Paranormal Activities movie
The Crazies movie
Kenny Vs Spenny Season Four
Anything Else he Requests
My dad is harder to get something because if he wants something he will go out and buy it. But I think he will enjoy:
Bing Bang Theory Season Four
A Nice Pair Shorts (I hope they fit)
Some Western Movies and Shows
And my mom doesn’t want anything. Every year she says it’s too much or she doesn’t need it. So she will end up buying something for herself and make me wrap it and pretend I got it for her. But I did get her:
A Funny Christmas Card
A Battery Case with Batteries
And Whatever Else She Wants.
And I have been good this year so I want:
Simpsons Trivia Game with DVD
Zelda: Skyward Sword
The New Mario Brothers for Wii
A Grey shirt
Any Shot Gun Game
Gift Certificates
A New Hockey Bag
A Hovering Car
And World Peace
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