The British Invasion

As you all know I’m born and raised Canadian and very proud of my country. In fact Canada is without a doubt the greatest nation in the world! My Dad was born in England but moved to Canada when he was little. And my mother’s ancestry goes way back to Belgian. Well I know nothing about Belgium but I am proud of my British heritage. So here is a roast all about the British.

I love English accents and wish I had one. I would like to say chip chip cheerio to everyone mate I meet. O I would like to say bloody Hell all the bloody time. Or when I spill my beer I like to say blimey. I do find it funny that when the Spice Girls sing I don’t notice their accents.

Now Canada still has still ties to the British monarchy. Our coins have the Queen on one side. As the years go by the Queen gets older and so does her picture get older too. I’m curious of what they are going to do when she dies? Blimey. Will they have a skull or Prince William on it because everyone likes Prince William? As for as I know English currency is in pounds. I guess they don’t want to join the rest of Europe with their Euros.

I love the English bobbies and their hats. Have they got guns yet or do they use their clubs? “We are in pursuit of a car that is going in the wrong direction. I think he is American and doesn’t know that we drive on the left side of the road. We would love to shoot his tires but we don’t carry any bloody guns. Bloody Hell.”

Soccer is the most popular sport in the world and the British are huge fans. My favorite team is the Manchester United. You got to love the hooligans because they’re bloody crazy. You never see as many rowdy and diehard fans at a hockey game. I mean hooligans actually fight and kill each other and without any guns the security and do shit all. Blimey. The English also play a lot of cricket. I already hate watching and playing baseball so I think I won’t like cricket either.

Is it true that English citizens have horrible teeth? Blimey. Could it be something in the water or do they not have Crest in England? Perhaps they can’t afford a dentist. Bloody Hell. I used to have nice teeth; they were never crooked or anything. But I grind the shit out of them when I sleep and I am going to have to get a mouth guard. Yes a fucking mouth guard; do you know how annoying and uncomfortable that will be whenever you sleep you have to have one on.

I hear the British are the worst chefs. I mean you’re eat haggis, lamb chops and call your fries chips and cookies biscuits. But they know how to drink. My mate told me that every time they get their pay check they hit the bar and after that just roam the streets all drunk. Which is bloody awesome.

I love my coffee. I like waking up and making some strong instant coffee to get me through my busy day. It’s funny that I like my coffee and beer warm. So every afternoon is tea time, which is fine for me, but what happens if you are in the middle of a job. “Okay we are doing a double bypass surgery and I need a scalpel. And wait it is tea time, we’ll get back in twenty minutes.”