Peter Pan

Captain Prosthetic Hand

Of course I have heard of Peter Pan as a child but I never actually seen the Disney classic. I have seen Hook with Robin Williams and it was entertaining. I kind of felt sorry for Ruffio. Ruffioo! But I was pissed off when I dressed up as Link for Halloween and everyone thought I was Peter Pan.

So I bought some movies at the Goodwill for fifty cents each. I promised my brother not to buy anymore VHS tapes. But they’re fifty cents each! And now I can’t get most of them on DVD. Besides I don’t have the courage to buy Disney cartoons at Wal-Mart. “Uh this is for my nephew, um Jim”.

I ended up selling a bunch of tapes for a dollar each at a store called Cowboys and Indians. The clerk was the Indian and was playing some native rock. I have no clue how he stays open because I’m the only one in Sarnia who still buys them. Well he has hats and peace pipes too.

I finally watched Peter Pan. It was the special edition; whatever the Hell that means. I was so disappointed. In fact I was angry.  Peter pissed me off so frickin much. I hate his face, I hate his voice and I hate his tights. All he does is fly around like a fairy and has a really annoying laugh. I would have loved to see Captain Hook finally kill the brat just like how someone should have killed Jar Jar Binks long ago.

I forget the reason why Peter Pan came to Wendy’s home in England.  I think it had to do with kids believing in him but I’m not sure. Peter decides to drop in by Wendy’s window looking for his damn shadow. Honestly I wouldn’t give a fuck if my shadow went loose. What has it done for met lately?

Then there is a real fairy Tinker Bell. What a bitch. I think she is in love with Peter because he is the only other fairy she knows. “But Tinker how can a fairy love a prepubescent boy?” (Editors note: I couldn’t spell the word prepubescent in Word and ended up using Google to look up the spelling of it and I searched for prepubescent boys. I hope I’m not going in jail for that shit.)

Anyway he’s much too big for her. But she has magical powers and fairy dust that can make you fly. That would kick ass! I would fly around and people would be like “look up its Greg in the sky. And look he saved a kitty from a tree. I think they already have a script in the works.” So the fairy is jealous that the Pan likes Wendy and tries to kill her several times.

Peter meets Wendy and her two brothers and asks them to fly to Never Never Land with him. Pete grabs Tinker to sprinkle some pixie dust on the kids to help them fly. The trick is to think happy thoughts to fly. I thought of the time I first time I played Nintendo or when I was getting Big Macs for only $1.50. Mmm. Too bad for people who can’t think of happy thoughts and therefore can’t fly. This only makes them sadder.

We finally meet Captain Morgan and drink some good Rum. Wait that was another time. We finally meet Captain Hook and Smee. Now what did they call the Captain before he lost his hand. He must have had a real name. His parents didn’t just look up in a baby name books and land on Hook. “Honey how about Hook?” “Yes, Hook Smith, that has a ring to it.” “Hook it is, my beautiful little Hook.”

I say how about Captain Ron? I mean Hooky would be really pissed off with his crew keep calling Captain Hook and keep reminding him that Peter Pan cut off his hand, fed it to crocodile and now he can’t play Nintendo.

If I have ever lost my hand, maybe from trying to stop the elevator with my arm or checking underneath a running lawn mower, I would liked to be called Captain Prosthetic Hand. Arrgg. But I would like to attach other gadgets to my arm. Maybe a ping pong racket hand or maybe a fishing rod hand. And I would need a fly swatter hand just in case there is a pesky fly. My point is I rather have something more useful than a hook.

We meet up with the lost boys who remain children. Would you like to be a lost boy? I rather be a lost teenager and hope there are some lost women. How did they become lost boys? Did the parents just leave them there in Never Land because the parents don’t love them? And why are they dressed up as animals? I do remember wearing those one piece bunny pajamas as a kid. The fat one is the idiot.

The movie can be quite violent. The mermaids are jealous of Wendy and try to pull her in the water. Peter tells them to stop. The mermaids are like we only tried to drown her. Too bad mermaids are mermaids and they can’t even walk or have sex. And that’s another problem I have with Peter, he can never be serious or angry, he’s just too happy and oblivious.

So Hook is luring Peter by roping an aboriginal girl and drowning her when the tide comes up. They rescue her and bring her back to the native’s village. Let the racism begin! The white children are calling them all red men, ingins and savages. I mean this is so very bad. The Indians are retarded and the Chief doesn’t even look like a human at all. They all sit around the fire, chanting racists’ songs about their red skin and doing the whole hand over mouth thing. The one kid smokes some tobacco.

I feel bad for the crocodile because he can’t turn off the alarm clock he swallowed. That’s like Chinese torture. I guess the batteries would eventually run out. I think it would be much cooler the croc swallowed a boom box and you can hear him play ADCD wherever he goes. Hook has been attacked by the crocodile more than twice. The first time he gets away, the last time you see him swim away from the crocodile in the sea. So he either violently get eaten alive or drowns. Unless Smee can save him in his shitty boat.

I forgot the end and because it’s on VHS and I’m not going to rewind it to the parts I missed. Damn you VHS! The kids return home before the parents come home from some opera or some event. Now I must ask if in Never Land does time slow down relative to Earth or what? Because the kids must have been in Never Land way longer than the parents have been in the opera.

I forgot what happens to Pete in the end but I don’t really give a shit. Throughout the movie they call each other cod or cod fish but it sounds like cock or cock fish. And they used the word eh. That’s cool eh.

I already wrote a blog about the creepy Michael Jackson but here’s more. I bet Michael Jackson watched this movie every day and is part of the reason why he was so fucking crazy. You see the late Michael Jackson never had a childhood. So he named his place Never Land Ranch to lure in kids to play with him and share a bed. That’s right an adult sleeping in a bed with young kids. He thinks he’s Peter Pan. And I think I’m Teen Wolf.