Camping

I love going camping maybe once or twice a year. After that it gets a bit tedious. Camping is always a good excuse to start drinking in the early morning all through the day until you fall asleep or pass out. And listening to some rock music. Preferably Pearl Jam because they rock.

Camping as a kid was me and my brother sleeping in a tent in the back yard and eating Ritz crackers. Later on we would go to my aunt’s trailer park every summer. Only people don’t like to call them trailers because they don’t have wheels and are not white trash. They like to call it community living.

The park had a massive pond where me and my brother would take a canoe out and go fishing. We would catch a lot of fish. My brother caught a huge large mouth bass and I caught a magikarp. In hindsight I felt kind of stupid for paying a $100 for one where I could of have caught it for free.

And I loved catching frogs and bringing them back to my dad’s pond. I used my stealth powers to sneak in and swoosh catch one in the net and store them in a bucket. I caught a poliwag, it’s now a poliwrath.

I’m pretty much useless at everything and that includes camping. I have no clue how to set up a tent. I get in the way and my friends just tell me to drink some beer and play my Gameboy. I would play Pokemon of course. Do you notice when you’re about to sleep and you end up talking for another hour. You know like about funny movies or the Golden Girls. And apparently I snore.

Camp fires are awesome except I always get smoke in my eyes wherever I sit. White rabbit white rabbit. You should always bring a chair. I hate when people throw toxic waste in the fire pit. It was a blessing in disguise because that’s how I got my super powers. And cancer. I could save anyone, except myself. And I hated when someone pisses on it the next day. Gross.

I have no clue how to start a fire. I mean cave men could start a fire with wood and rocks. I can’t even start one with gasoline and a barbeque lighter. And if I could I would lose my bushy eye brows. I always wondered what’s better, a teepee formation or a block formation. My friend must always be the master of the fire with his huge poking staff.

One time I was at a party with my brother at his friend’s place.  He had a picnic table that he didn’t use and so we thought hey let’s set it on fire. It was huge, it was beautiful. Do you notice I say “one time” a lot, just like Willow from American Pie?

Every time I go camping everyone brings way too much food. Food that could feed thousands of starving people.  My mom packs so much. Here Greg, I got you some hot dogs, hamburgers, yogurt, animal crackers, some fig newtons, marshmallows excreta. Just keep them cold.

So much food I end up throwing most of it away. Whats the worse that could happen? We all bring a package of hotdogs and if we are really hungry we could always hit the grocery store or McDonalds. Or hunt some delicious raccoons.

My friends Kevin and Aaron along with their family and friends are hardcore. They go portaging. I could never muster enough strength to carry a canoe over land. And they certainly can’t carry beer so I guess they bring some Captain Morgan and some Mary Jane.

The best time I ever had camping was years ago during May 24 when we were still in high school and underage. We got a camp site in the Pinery but it was a dry weekend and nobody could bring in any alcohol. But that didn’t stop us. Me and Steve canoed in two 24s along a river that went through the Pinery. We were the only ones that had beer.

So we brought the beer to the concert and drank in the parking lot. This was one of my first times getting drunk. After like five beers I was completely wasted. I tried walking in a line, doing cartwheels and saying the alphabet backwards. Only I can’t even say the alphabet backwards when I’m sober. I can barely say in normally.

So we had a case of beer that we didn’t drink and since we couldn’t bring it back into the park we hid it in a ditch by a farm. The road was actually called

Cold Storage Road

. We thought it was a sign. We left it at night thinking we hid it well and can pick it up in the morning. But someone beat us to the chase. I was probably still drunk.

One funny story is when three of my friends said they were going to gather some fire wood. I assumed they were salvaging wood from people’s pits that had left. No they were stealing wood. And they stole it from the main cabin. Well they got caught and paid a fine. I heard that one guy was hiding in the bushes and the cops were like we can see you. Afterwards that person told us to never speak of it again. Whoops.

We made sure the fire was extinguished because Smokey the Bear is always on our ass. His line is only you can prevent wild fires! No shit Sherlock, I thought it was up to the chipmunks and ducks to make sure every fire is put out. But after three days of camping all I want to do is sleep in my own bed and watch T.V.