Swimming Lessons

“It’s too hot to go swimming” – my chubby friend

Summer will be here shortly and that means we will open the pool. I have always had a pool. At my old house we had one that seemed massive as a kid. We had a slide and diving board. But when I pass by and check my old home it seems so small. When we moved to my current house there was nothing but grass. Eventually my dad built a deck, fence, pond, shed and pool.  And my parents planted flowers and such until there is no grass at all. Yes both my parents like flowers.

Our pool is massive and everyone thinks that’s really cool. But trust me, like devil sticks having your own pool gets old. The only time I really use it is to cool off. And cool off indeed! The problem we used to have with our pool was that my neighbor’s big ass trees hung over our pool so the pool was in the shade and abundant mixture of insects and leaves sprinkle gently on the pool making it a bitch to clean. And we don’t leave out our pool toys because they are a haven for all sorts of creepy bugs clinging for dear life.

It used to be fucking freezing. The question is do you slowly walk down the steps or do you take a plunge? The pool was too big for its own good. The deep end is huge and the cover is too annoying to use. And we don’t have a heater. We used have a solar thingy but that was a pain too. So we were super happy with 80 degrees. That’s why I prefer above ground pools; they’re warm, clean and fun to make whirlpools. I loved messing around in Wilson’s old pool and playing king of the tubes or whatever. So finally our neighbors cut down their trees out of fear of them falling on the house and wow what a great difference.

The coolest part having a large pool is having a diving bard; which we don’t use anymore. We paid for our first one, but the company went under and we had to pay for another one. I could do all the stupid jumps like a pencil dive, a twirl, like I was running in air or a good old cannon ball. Except for a flip. I could withstand a belly flop but was too scared to do a flip. I’d either pussy out and just jump in or smack and land on my back.

My brother could do it all the time. He and his friends would also always jump from the roof. This pissed me off so much. I get so worried because I could just picture them not clearing it, completely shattering their legs and ending up in wheel chair. The board lasted a while until it started to crack. Later some huge guy jumped off it and bam; no more diving board. At the time it wasn’t that bad because we had a tramboboline to jump from. But my Dad hated it so we never put it back up again. So if anyone wants a trambobline make me an offer.

As a kid I loved having my friends over to play Marco polo or water polo. Marco polo is that irritating game parents hate when you can’t look and keep calling “Marco” and wait for the others to say “polo” so you can catch them. Marco… polo. Marco.. polo. Marco.. … Marco.. …Marco… …Marco!!! Fuck you guys you got to say polo, I know you can’t be underwater that long!

As for water polo it’s everyone on their own and we use our stairs as the net. The ball has to land and stay inside the net. You must get three goals in order to play goalie. If you throw it out you have a minute penalty. And if it lands in old man Samson’s yard you must retrieve the ball and watch out for the dog. Okay I made that up. This game gets real violent as people are dunking and drowning each other or smacking them with a ball. Good old fun.

We also tried the game of who can swim the farthest under water. I think I might have killed some brain cells. I know Stics can stay underwater for a good minute. Seriously he’s like a navy seal.

A great part about swimming is seeing chicks in their bikinis and showing off your pecks and hot back hair! But like gym class fat kids loathe taking off their shirts and revealing their man-boobs. We already know you have male tits so who cares? It’s not like “oh my God your fat! I never realized it until you took your XXL shirt off.

Whatever you do, absolutely do not swim after you had something to eat!